I'm breaking up with this crazy guy in two days and I'm really scared

New update before I reply: still absoutely not a single regret. You folks always get me to make the hard but right decision!

And... Contrary to what everything else indicated , Anthony doesn't understand boundaries. On Tuesday I made the mistake of launching a search in my inbox that included trashed emails in the results (I was looking for something irrelevant for the story), and ended ud up seeing an email from Anthony from Monday, just a couple of hours post-breakup. The subject was "Just answer to this," which clearly sounded as respecting what I'd asked for. :/ I deleted it without reading a word, to avoid the pressure of knowing it's there for 30 days. The experience made me feel weird for around 5 minutes, but it's good training for when I inevitably bump into him in the street.

Sheesh, Anthony, you had *one* job. One!!

Hi, Ram. It's nice talking to you again! And feeling understood. I'm glad that you also managed to get out!

Thanks for caring! As for blocking, look what happened with the only communication tool where I couldn't technically block him. I don't think an email was his first idea, so that shows a bit of determination.

Each time I've envisioned attending therapy someday, I always picture the moment in which I start describing my mom as one in which the therapist's eyes become bright and (s)he starts to furiously scribble notes on their notebook, haha.
When I tell friends specific stories about my mom, they usually reply: "Wow, I'm surprised that you aren't... Less sane," or similar.

This really makes a lot of (evolutionary) sense.
I've also grown up seeing my dad constantly scared of disappointing my mom (when not doing it is impossible) and "walking on eggshells and avoiding conflict." So I not only had the stimulus of a mother in not great mental health, but also a father that has always been a role model for that behaviour (which I've always noticed and hated). That said, my behaviour is *way* less exaggerated than my dad's.

Well, until less than a year ago, I wouldn't say no... But I've been feeling "able" to come out to them since October. I decided to postpone it because: (a) it doesn't cause me any trouble to hide for some more time (I'm not less free); and (b) I have a very specific plans for coming out to them next Summer because the timing and the circumstances will be ideal (I'll leave the details for a future thread).

Honestly, the only thing I fear in this world is a bad reaction from my dad when I come out to him. I'm not even scared of being mortal (I'm totally okay with the idea of dying someday), but I feel that a bad reaction from the person I love the most (and live with) would destroy me. I love my mom too (though she makes it really hard), but I know she'll find a way to try to make me feel guilty for being who I am, for not having come out before, for something related to her crazy pseudoscientific theories, or whatever. I'm completely sure she'll use my sexuality as a weapon against me, as she does with everything.

So I'm basically postponing it for my dad. My mom's reaction is predictable and unavoidable.

What I could see rooted in that same fear you mention is the fact that it took me 25+ years to come out to myself.

I'm not a fan of online and don't have lots of money, so I'll wait at least until we have less covid here. But probably I won't decide to go for real until I find additional reasons to do so. Did anyone have sane parents?

Thanks heaps! I'm 100 % doing it! And I really appreciate your comprehensive reply!

 

I'm doing so, so well with moving forward that I barely remember that Anthony exists by now. I think about him max. 4 times a week, which is very little, given that I have to walk by his house twice a day. I could try to avoid that, but I live in a small town and it wouldn't make much of a difference.

So it appears that this thread will live longer that my ability to give fucks about him, haha.

Oh, hi, Mihael! Thanks for dropping by here.
Well, while we were fake boyfriends, his strategy was more like trying to pull me towards him and then push me away, in cycles. Or at least towards the end of it.
Once it finished, yes, he was def trying to make me go back to him.

It was. It was! After we did something the first time, the next morning I cried four times, two of them in very public places. It was so, so bad! And that was the first experience I ever had, ugh. But I later came to terms with it and learnt to live with it -- now I see it more as part of a learning process and whatnot. Thankfully we did almost nothing because I didn't let it go further, but it was still way too much.

I don't know... It didn't seem so horrible as it now sounds at the moment. But now I think about how many times I said that I wasn't into his body and that I just wanted to be friends and how he kept trying to arouse me (he literally did *everything*) and realise how horrible it was.

Thanks for caring, Destroyed, but don't worry! As previously said, I broke up with him and immediately blocked him everywhere. Not even the tiniest part of myself wants to look back!

And I honestly don't care about him at all... Maybe I'm being too cold, but right now he's literally not more important to me than a total stranger. I don't love him, I don't wonder how he's doing, I don't hate him. I guess it's normal, given that half a year ago we weren't friends and that I "fell out of friendship" with him in early 2021.

 

Oh, and I almost forget... The other day I deleted an email accidentally and wanted to recover it, so I said: "For God's sake, I have to go to the Trash folder again..." So I tried to block part of the screen with my hands in order not to see anything else, but it didn't work well and I saw an email from Anthony whose subject was something that I don't remember very well, but it hinted that he had moved from trying to lure me into his tentacles again to raw anger.

I deleted it so quickly that I didn't even see when it was sent -- I estimate that somewhere between 1 and 4 days after the first one. Of course, I didn't open it. And my wonderful email provider doesn't offer previews of unopened emails. So I'm safe!

Thanks again to all for your support!