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I'm being pressured to have sex- please help

Discussion in 'Physical & Sexual Health' started by lottaotter, Apr 10, 2022.

  1. lottaotter

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    Have being seeing a guy. We've seen each other a few times including me statying over at his a few nights.

    He knows I have a history of sexual trauma and would like to take things slow, however when I was staying over I did feel pressured more than once into trying to do stuff I didn't want to.

    It's been about a month and because of scheduling problems (he seems like a workaholic) and a bereavement on his part we haven't seen each other since. I texted him first a few times to offer to meet up, but we never managed to. Then he texts me out of the blue asking how I am. I ask if he wants to meet and and then get ignored for 2 days (he's always the faster responder usually).

    Then tonight, when I'd finally made my mind up to not contact him again (feel like I'm being led on) he texts me this: "I want to have sex with you so bad".

    This makes me feel really uncomfy. Yes, I'm a bit of a prude. Yes, I like to get to know a person before I can find them attractive. But I can't just turn on my sexuality like a switch! Is that not normal?

    I want to ask him one last time if he wants to meet up but I don't want to get involved in that kind of texting- it's a MASSIVE turn-off for me. But I don't want to be un-sexy and kill his vibe and be boring either. I feel I'm being ungrateful that someone wants to sleep with me. What should I do?

    The big problem with all of this is that I am not good at asserting my boundaries. I may say 'Yes' (or more often 'Um...OK', 'Sure' etc.) but my body language and facial expression screams 'NO NO NO NO NO!!!'.

    I also can't tell if I want to be with him or not. I was thinking about how I'd like to sleep with him (as in literally, sleep next to him) chatting and cuddling the other day but I've since gone cold.
     
  2. TinyWerewolf

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    I only had to read the title before thinking, "kick his butt to the curb." If you and your boyfriend, partner, whatever he is to you want to have sex that's one thing- but both of you have to be on the same page! If you're not ready, you're simply not ready and you have to communicate that. You aren't required to tell him about your history of abuse unless you actively want to, but you need to tell him that you don't feel sexual attraction until you've really gotten to know someone or you'll both be frustrated. If he pressures you after that rather than giving you time, leave that man in your past. Pressuring someone into sex is not ok.
     
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  3. lottaotter

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    Thanks for your reply. I ended up replying just asking if he'd like to come over later in the week (I'd prefer to assert my boundaries in person, I hate using text for anything). But he's just responded straight away with more sexual stuff :frowning2: and I'm back to feeling that yucky feeling of dread in my stomach. Dating shouldn't be like this, should it? Is it just me and my messed up brain?

    One thing that is bothering me is that his field of work is helping people who have been through sexually traumatic events- he was very kind with me when I told him, more so than most guys I've been with. And the fact he must be knowledgeable about these kind of things makes me think maybe I'm the one who's out of order- am I being too much of a boring prude?
     
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  4. TinyWerewolf

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    Nothing is wrong with you at all, quit thinking like that. I'm not on the asexual spectrum, but I have a dear friend that is a gray ace (and dated someone else who is ace). What I've learned from her is that y'all experience sexual attraction in a whole different way and a lot less often than someone like me (if at all). People like your boyfriend need to know your boundaries and respect them (that really goes for anyone in a relationship) but sometimes we may not grasp that you're not feeling the exact same way or experiencing this too even if you genuinely love the person. It kind of goes hand in hand for us (or me at least). Tell him sexting makes you uncomfortable, tell him you enjoy cuddling and spending time with him, and if you love him tell him that- but for your own sake tell him you're not ready to sleep with him. Have a conversation with him about this.
     
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  5. lottaotter

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    Thank you, it is genuinely reassuring that you don't think there's anything wrong with me. It's funny- I saw a therapist this week and when I said that I wanted to want sex more and sooner, she pretty much said the same as you- that maybe if I just wait and get to know someone then I will want to sleep with them.

    I should also note that I have checked and I definitely don't have any medical reasons for low sex drive.

    I responded to his last text by saying I'd prefer to talk in person and he hasn't responded which pretty much sums up that only wants sex. I'm a bit disappointed but kind of relieved too.

    Thanks for listening to my long and rambling post! I am feeling a bit better but this has highlighted how much work I need to do on:
    -listening to my body
    -asserting my boundaries clearly
     
  6. Sunchimes

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    Hello @lottaotter

    I just wanted to say I agree with @TinyWerewolf in that there is nothing wrong with you here.

    You aren’t prude, you’re not out of order and if someone gives you a feeling of dread in your stomach they’re not right for you.

    I would find it impossible to have sex with someone that I hardly know. I need to build up a bond and have emotion at the back of it. So you’re not alone with that at all.

    I cringed when I read your messages because this guy needs to be told where to go. Especially given your history and his job! He should know better.

    As @TinyWerewolf said … "kick his butt to the curb.
     
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  7. TinyWerewolf

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    You do need to work on both of those things (and so do I in my situation). And no problem, you're not broken and don't need fixing so remember that going foward. If you don't want sex or aren't ready for it don't force yourself into it. You weren't rambling either, all of that seemed relevant to me. I'm sorry he's treating you like this though, you don't deserve that.

    I thought that was weird that he's pressuring @lottaotter into it when he works with those who have suffered sexual abuse. Like you said, he should know better. Often people who have gone through that find sex triggering for a while anyway, and pressuring your partner for that would likely make it worse. Regardless pressuring someone into sex is a red flag. No means no.
     
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  8. lottaotter

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    Thank you both @TinyWerewolf and @Sunchimes I am thinking of telling this guy I'd prefer not to see him again/don't see it working out but I feel like because he's had a bereavement in the family that might be why he's acting weird. I don't want to be mean and horrible but at the same time after last night's texting behaviour I don't feel attracted or interested in him at all.

    Am I self-sabotaging or just standing up for my boundaries for once? I'm sorry to ask so many questions-it seems like all I do on EC is ask and I'm never able to help anyone else.
     
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  9. Sunchimes

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    There is absolutely no need to apologise for asking questions. You’re needing help and advice and this is what a forum like this is for. Sometimes we go through phases where we need the help and then other times we are able to help others. It’s ok.:slight_smile:

    I think telling this guy that you prefer not to see him again is the best thing you can do. His bereavement is no excuse for treating you in such a way. That is for him to deal with and you shouldn’t feel any guilt for putting yourself first here. You are in no way self sabotaging and yes you’re standing up for your boundaries which is absolutely the right thing to do.

    You sound such a lovely person and you deserve someone who will treat you with the utmost respect and love.
     
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  10. lottaotter

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    Thank you very much, your message really means a lot to me. It feels unpleasant to follow my gut instincts for once bur I hope it will get easier in time
     
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  11. Sunchimes

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    You’re so welcome. It will definitely get easier. Once you’ve told him you’ll feel instantly relieved. It’s a good feeling when you put yourself in control. You’ll be absolutely fine :slight_smile:
     
  12. lottaotter

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    My housemate has convinced me that it's mean to tell him I don't want to see him anymore during a time when he's probably mourning. Instead I am just going to not message him at all.

    She said his behaviour might be a result of the bereavement. Unsure how I feel about that as he was a little pushy before all this happened.
     
    #12 lottaotter, Apr 11, 2022
    Last edited: Apr 11, 2022
  13. Sunchimes

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    Why don’t you just tell him that you don’t want to be in a relationship with him but you are happy to remain friends?

    That way you won’t feel any guilt as you won’t be firing him off altogether.

    A great place to start is by not messaging him. But if he messages you then you could just make it clear to him that a relationship isn’t an option for you but friendship is fine.

    Just a thought.
     
  14. Chip

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    Your housemate should be more concerned about your needs than his.

    Yes, it's possible he is handling his bereavement by seeking out sex. Sex can be like a numbing drug for some people. But that does not make it OK to pressure someone who has sexual trauma issues.

    This guy is bad news. He's probably wounded, but so are you. You have zero obligation to take care of him, especially when he won't respect your boundaries.

    If I were in your position, I would send one last text saying "I've repeatedly told you I am not interested in sex. You do not seem capable of honoring my boundaries, and I do not feel safe. I will not be discussing this further and do not wish to see or talk with you again. Please do not contact me again."

    And then block him.

    It won't feel good, because, due to your sexual trauma, you have difficulty setting boundaries. But it is important you begin to set them, and over time you will start to feel good about setting boundaries. This is a great place to start.
     
  15. Sunchimes

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    I totally agree. He displayed this behaviour before he was bereaved so it’s obviously how the man behaves in general.
     
  16. lottaotter

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    @Chip and @Sunchimes thank you for your responses, you are both completely right. My housemate does not know the full story.

    I have no desire to see this guy again at all. As he's not currently contacting me, I'm going to take a day or two to come down out of panic mode so I don't day anything I'll later regret (I carelessly spilled information about past trauma to him early in the 'relationship' that I don't want used against me). Then I'll take an action. I can't promise it'll be as assertive as telling him that he's overstepped my boundaries nor as subtle as just ignoring him but somewhere in the middle. Hopefully it'll be good practice for standing up for myself on the future.
     
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  17. Chip

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    It's interesting to me, and telling, that you consider telling someone they have overstepped your boundaries to be 'assertive'. That's actually one of the most low-key things you could say. Assertive would be "You pressured me and made me feel like shit. I won't tolerate that any more, and so I'm done. Go away."

    Saying that someone "overstepped your boundaries" is about as gentle and polite and nonjudgmental as it gets. It's saying, in effect, "hey, you may not realize it but you accidentally did this." And the fact that this is so uncomfortable, and so 'assertive' for you, tells me that you have basically no boundaries and no capacity to stand up for yourself. Which is entirely understandable for someone who has been traumatized.

    My hope is that simply by bringing this to your awareness that you have time to think about it and begin to change your perspective and realize that you do have the right to set boundaries and have them honored, and to not have people hassle you when you set them.
     
  18. Sunchimes

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    You are heading in the right direction! You’ve made your decision not to see him again and that’s good enough.

    In truth you needn’t give him any reasons. It’s your decision and you’ve made it and you’re sticking by it. That’s assertive enough. Well done!

    For the record, I was sexually abused as a youngster. It changed me totally and it knocked my confidence. However, in my case, as I got older (I was very young when I was abused) I developed an attitude where I wouldn’t tolerate anyone treating me with disrespect. Especially sexually.

    That attitude will be your attitude soon. This is your start. Some people are overboard with assertiveness and come across as cocky! It’s getting a balance between empathy, seeing the other person’s perspective and putting forth your own needs. Making sure you make your decisions and don’t get manipulated into doing anything you don’t want to do is top priority.

    In your case here, with a man pestering for sex when he clearly knows you don’t want that, you’re doing the absolute right thing. Cut him off. It’s not possible to even like someone like that, let alone love them. He has shown no respect for you and in all honesty he deserves nothing from you at all.

    You sound such a lovely person. You deserve someone equally as lovely to be with.
     
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  19. CL1990

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    you have had some great advice but i did want to reiterate that there is nothing wrong with you and if you dont want to have sex that is the end of it.

    Ive been in a similar situation to you and i did like the idea of sleeping with this girl but when i saw her something inside me just shouted No! as if very scared. You will meet someone that will care about you and wont want to pressure you into doing something you dont want to do. If this guy doesnt care about your boundaries and is just looking for his gratification at any cost it says more about him than you: would you want to have sex with someone that is clearly not feeling it?
     
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  20. lottaotter

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    As you say, I have had a lot of good advice already, but this sentence made something 'click' for me. I would never want to continue having sex with someone who seemed/looked/said they weren't into it - it's one of the biggest turn-offs there is, just like how someone being really into it is a huge a turn-on.

    Thank you.