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I want to come out to my brother again, but the last time went badly.

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by TinyWerewolf, Nov 26, 2021.

  1. TinyWerewolf

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    I was more or less found out really the last time. He accepts other trans people but he did not accept me. He said I didn't show the signs when I was little or anything- he's right, I was in denial and bottled all of my emotions up from a very young age due to thinking I should and trauma. It was not until I read other trans people's stories and found one that mentioned repressed dysphoria that I began to realize that's what I was doing. Every time I try to lower my voice while singing or do something subtly more masculine he asks me why and gets annoyed still. He's also a bit of a nark and I had to go back in the closet due to the circumstances I'm in. And yet I feel the urge to tell him about it and having a girlfriend. I know it's probably a bad idea but I still want to- help me snap out of it please.
     
  2. Rayland

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    We are very similar to each other. No one noticed any signs, when I was little either, but inside I knew I was different, no other girl liked playing with cars or played more with boys. I have been always good at bottling up all my emotions too and hiding what I liked, because I saw how different I was from other girls. To cope I went into denial.

    If I understand correctly, then he already found out about you, but don't accept you?

    If that's the case, then you don't have to tell him anything more. He chooses to be this way. Maybe he will come around eventually, but you are not obligated to explain it more to him and if he don't understand, then this is his problem. I understand how awful it must feel, but I'd suggest just leave him be and live as you want to as well. He will start asking you questions eventually, rather than you telling him about it. If he thinks of you as a family and loves you, then he would want you to be happy no matter what.

    I have told before, that I'm out to one of my friends, but even though she said she accepts me, she still isn't supportive and we don't talk about it, because she makes comments that hurt me and I haven't tried to correct her, even though I really want to talk to her about these things. This is one of the reasons I'm also hesitant to tell more people.

    I do get how hard it is, but you are a lot stronger, than you think. Sending hugs.
     
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  3. TinyWerewolf

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    Yes that's correct, he found out and doesn't accept me. I keep hoping he'll come around, but knowing how he is it's probably just not going to happen. I'm sorry your friend isn't supportive either, that really sucks.
     
  4. BiGemini87

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    I think it's less about coming out at this point, and more about trying to broker a peace with him--a peace that, I'll be honest, it doesn't seem he'd be interested in establishing.

    But then again, maybe he's having a rough time of this because it's hard for him to view you as anything but his (baby?) sister. Perhaps he's afraid that you'll do something you regret, because he doesn't know what you've been thinking and feeling all your life. Maybe you can write it to him in a letter/email? That way he can't interrupt your explanation and you can give him as much information about what you've been experiencing as possible.

    The problem with this, of course, is that he will have evidence in which to tell on you.

    Difficult as it is, you might need to hold off on having this conversation with him again until sometime later--ideally when you're in a position of financial independence (I assume you live with your family?) and not at risk of any volatile repercussions.

    Whatever you decide, I advise you to tread carefully. Your safety comes first.
     
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  5. TinyWerewolf

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    Yep. I'm the baby of the family and I still live with them. Maybe someday he'll get a letter addressed specifically to him but for now I'm not doing that- I can't give him any evidence proving I'm in a relationship, the rest I've already dealt with to a degree (it wasn't pretty) and that's why I went back in the closet. Maybe I will regret transition, but I think it's highly unlikely. Regardless the signs were there, just mostly invisible to him and my family I guess. Thank you.
     
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  6. BiGemini87

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    No problem, sorry I couldn't be of more help. It's always rough where family and close friends are concerned, isn't it? I hope in the future your brother and the rest of your family (or at least those you're closest to) will be able to accept the you that you need to be. Even if it takes time, it would make all the difference. <3
     
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  7. TinyWerewolf

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    You were helpful, like I said earlier I knew it was probably a bad idea and needed to be talked out of it. My brother is the only actual family member I've felt like telling about my girlfriend and re-coming out to at all. The rest of family would completely flip out, and I am not looking forward to their reaction when I do come out again. Actually I'm probably going to do a letter for them like I am for my extended family so I don't have to be there. My extended family won't take it well either for the most part.

    I'm out to three close friends (one of them is bi and another is ace/bi), three of my cousins, and a coworker who accept me. Also a few former coworkers who accept me.
     
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