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I think I'm gay but I don't want to be.

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by limeslam, Apr 28, 2013.

  1. limeslam

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    Hi everyone.

    My name is Seth and I turned 16 about a month ago. I think I might be gay. I'm extremely confused and I don't know what to do. I think I find guys attractive, but my mind has done stuff to me in the past where I think about something so much that I think its true, so I might just be psyching myself out.

    But I've always wanted a Jim and Pam (The Office) type of relationship and get married and have kids. I know thats possible with a guy, but I've just never seen that happening.

    But the thing is I don't act gay, and I don't see myself as gay. But I for some reason find guys attractive. I want to experiment, but I don't see that happening. I go to a small, conservative, high school where everyone is straight or deep in the closet. I turned to craigslist at one point, but most of the guys on there are really sketchy and creepy. Plus, I'm really high up in my Student Government program and I'm tempted to apply to West Point, so being out will not help me there.

    Thanks so much!
     
  2. Exoskeleton

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    Two questions for you, Lime.

    One: Are you attracted to females, too?

    It seems pretty clear from what you wrote here that you are indeed attracted to males. You didn't write anything about being attracted to females. I can't tell you if you're gay or not, but the answer lies into what sexes you find yourself attracted to.

    Two: Exactly how do gay guys act?

    You said you don't act gay. Does that mean you don't snap your fingers, speak in a feminine falsetto, love fashion, or use the word "fabulous" frequently? Is it because you don't wear dresses, get manicures, or put on makeup? Because none of that is what being gay means. There is no way to "act gay," besides acting like a man attracted to men, of course. Being more feminine than masculine doesn't make you gay anymore than being more masculine than feminine makes you straight. Don't think that being gay means you have to fit neatly into a stereotype.

    If you are gay, you were born that way. It may suck that you live in a society that isn't quite okay with that. But there were plenty of black people who wished they were white so they wouldn't have to deal with racism. Plenty of women who wished they were men so they wouldn't have to deal with sexism. But none of them could change who they were. You can't change who you are, either, whether that turns out to be gay, straight, or something else entirely.

    Much love and support.
     
  3. TimidlyModest

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    You sound just like me. It's really confusing, isn't it? What Exoskeleton said about what being gay means is absolutely true, though. I really think you're taking a step in the right direction by talking about it now. I know what you mean about looking for people and thinking they all look sketchy or creepy. I've lurked on the Internet for years and years without ever even thinking about interacting for that very reason, but we're here now, and everyone is so ready and willing to help and talk. I know I may be just another stranger who's also new here, but feel free to message me if you'd like to talk to someone who can relate. Might be ironic for an introvert like me to be saying that, but I'm trying to take steps in the right direction too. I've felt the same way you do for more years than I can count, and it's not something that just goes away. You're braver than I am for trying to talk to people and figure it out so much earlier.

    EDIT: Didn't realize we can't send each other messages without being full members, but maybe we'll both stick around long enough? Who knows.
     
    #3 TimidlyModest, Apr 28, 2013
    Last edited: Apr 28, 2013
  4. Dans le placard

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    I have only recently come out at the age of 24. Even though I'm still young, unattached and am simply happy to be out, I do think that I should have done so a few years ago.

    I think that my anxieties over coming out in the past mirrored yours: the fear of being the "odd one out" in school, and particularly the prospect of no marriage and children. What I learnt to tell myself, though, was that I can have a happy marriage and children despite my sexual preferences (though unfortunately, this may not be the case at present depending on which state/country you reside in). I can still be "straight acting" and be friends/do things with straight guys. My sexuality can be part of who I am, but I needn't define me completely.
     
  5. limeslam

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    Haha yeah. Sorry. I'm normally more careful about the way I phrase things. But just to clear things up, based upon stereotypes I'm not the feminine gay type. That doesn't make me not gay, just different from that stereotype. Honestly, I'd rather be that than what I am now, which is somewhere in a limbo where its hard to distinguish me as gay. Based upon society, if I'm gay, I feel like it will be more difficult for others to understand the fact that I'm gay.

    ---------- Post added 28th Apr 2013 at 03:52 PM ----------


    Awesome. Thanks man! I'll do my best to stick around.

    ---------- Post added 28th Apr 2013 at 03:54 PM ----------

    Thanks!
     
  6. TimidlyModest

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    Man, I can't even describe how familiar that sounds. It's like... I don't fit in with straight people, I don't fit in with gay people, I wouldn't really consider myself bi, but I'm definitely not asexual. Somewhere in limbo is exactly how I would describe it.
     
  7. limeslam

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    Haha for sure. But whatever. I'll just leave it with "I'm confused" and blame society because that really is the source of all problems haha. But like, I fit in with my straight friends. But they don't know or suspect anything, so that could be an issue in the future...
     
  8. All Star

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    I fit in with my straight friends. Not straight though, now am I? :lol: You're a teenager, puberty and hormones hit hard. You could just be going through a bicurious stage, just sit back and enjoy the ride.
     
  9. That1Guy

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    I think you're over thinking it. Who cares if you're gay or what label people slap on you? If you like guys you like guys. Be who you are and not what you think society wants you to be.

    PS: I also don't fit in stereotypes and everyone assumes me to be straight, but that's not really relevant when it comes to your actual sexual orientation though. Being gay is defined solely on whether or not you're attracted to the same gender, nothing else. You and I aren't any "less" gay than the most feminine, over the top flamboyant drag queen, it's just a matter of different personality types and interests.
     
    #9 That1Guy, Apr 28, 2013
    Last edited: Apr 28, 2013
  10. TimidlyModest

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    I mean, I fit in with my straight friends too. I don't even have any close friends who aren't straight. It took a long time to talk to anyone about it, but you start to get a sense for how your good friends will take it if you talk to them, especially after the first person. Everyone I've decided to tell has been really supportive, even if they can't really relate or fully understand.

    No one ever suspected me, either. I got the "I never would have been able to tell" response a few times. It wasn't an issue with friends for me, and I wouldn't think it will be for you either. As All Star said, though, teenage years are a good time to just ride it out for a while and see what happens.
     
  11. limeslam

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    Haha thanks. But yeah... I guess waiting is my only option.. Kinda sucks though.

    ---------- Post added 28th Apr 2013 at 10:08 PM ----------

    Haha yeah. Very true. Stick it to the man! But yeah. Sorry, I need to get a lot better on the way I phrase things. Like I'm not saying I'd be any less gay, just it would be easier to be feminine because gays could tell you are gay, and straights would "understand/accept" that you are gay. When you are masculine, it seems like there aren't as many masculine gays out there. Kind of underrepresented. So in a sense, people would be more questioning as to wether or not we are actually gay... Right? Sorry, I'm kind of one of those "respected" guys at my school. VP of my school as a Sophomore, I'm nice to everyone, and (not to sound narcissistic) but people like me. I'm afraid that that could all go away if I come out.

    ---------- Post added 28th Apr 2013 at 10:10 PM ----------

    True true. I guess I have to just wait it out. I should probably tell one person though. Just to get it off my chest. But I'm not even sure about that, so I don't want to come out then go back in.
     
  12. Jeff

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    Well, the good news is that things are changing fast now. You will find acceptance and support like you would not have just a few years ago.

    Do not worry to much about it, and take it all at your own speed. I always tell high school ages kids that they should only come out then if there is obvious support, and most everyone know anyway.

    If they do not know, and the class seems to be ultra conservative, I would not share this info with them or anyone just yet.

    But I will say that when one does drop small hints that they are gay, something happens often that is unexpected, other guys will approach you in private and state that they are as well. When you thought you were the only one besides the few flaming queens, you find out that there are many others, masculine types, quiet types, nerds, jocks, and comedians, geeks, etc. The ones that pass well as straight, and do not come out at some point never get to make friends with the nice, fun, bright ones, not to mention good looking ones. So coming out to at least a few people (when it is finally safe to do so) has some benefits. Even jobs can get offered to you by someone in power (who happens to be gay) because they know you are gay. It used to be called (perhaps it still is) in code "a friend of Dorthy's" which meant the person is gay.

    Anyway, yes being gay is not the easiest way to live, it sure is better than it used to be. We are only a months away, or a year or two, from seeing top military personal stating that they are gay men and married to other men, simply as a matter of fact.

    You are bright, and young, and your time is coming. You have lots to be thankful for. Be safe with sex, and do not play risky ever. You'll likely find a guy that makes you glad you like men.
     
  13. limeslam

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  14. Anonymous777

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    OP. 100 percent relate to your whole story not wanting to come out because your not sure. How are things for you nowadays?