I have a biologically male body. I grew up in a very conservative part of the country where I still live but want to move when I can afford. My finances aren't great but will improve if I can survive for 6 months. Until recently I have never told anyone my thoughts on my gender and sexuality because I had religious guilt I couldn't shake and am surrounded by people that I know would disapprove. I have lost friends and have strained family relationships simply from having liberal political views. Feelings I have had: 1. Being forced to wear a shirt and tie at church as a 6 or 7 year old and thinking the dresses girls in my Sunday School were wearing looked more comfortable. 2. In high school my friend explained to me what Powderpuff football was (girls play the game, guys wear the cheerleader dresses) and it sounded really appealing to me. 3. After that I would fantasize about being a woman and wearing extremely feminine clothing and that fantasy has always persisted. 4. In video games where I can create a character, I always create a female character. I have pretended to be female in MMOs. That was the main attraction I had to those games. 5. When I was still single and lived alone, I once bought a pair of pantyhose and wore it around the house under my pajamas because I was afraid a neighbor could see from the window. 6. I never liked traditionally masculine things like sports, working on cars, home improvement projects etc but felt pressure to. 7. I also am not into many traditionally feminine things except for cooking. Most of my hobbies and interests are gender neutral. 8. I don't want to transition. The medical procedures are more pain and expense than I can bear. 9. I am comfortable presenting as male. I have no problem living my life as a man. It isn't uncomfortable or wrong feeling to me. At the same time some days I really wish I could wear a dress and heels. I worry about looking bad in them. I am heavy set and large and broadshouldered and I have a beard that I like having when presenting as male. I also am bald. If I ever ventured out I public like that I would worry about judgment and my personal safety or someone I know that wouldn't approve seeing me. Am I nonbinary and hiding my feminine side? I don't know what to do to work up the courage to let it out. I wish I lived in a more accepting area. I don't know if I am genderfluid, trans or just a dude that's into cross dressing. Sometimes it doesn't bother me at all and sometimes it bothers me a lot. The majority of the time it isn't a big deal but occasionally it really eats at me. I told my wife the other day after 9 years of keeping it from her and she was very accepting and said she just wanted me to be happy and my best self and we could dress up together
I don't have any advice but your wife sounds wonderful! You're very lucky to have such an accepting partner.
She says that she has some clothes that probably would fit me. I haven't brought it up with her again partly because we have some really nosy neighbors that have extreme right wings views and both of us would be concerned about them seeing me through the window. It's part of why we want to move. Also as much as I want to bring it up again, I have so much internalized shame about it that it is difficult for me to talk about despite the fact that I know she will not judge me and is cool with it.
I am a young teenager and live in a very liberal area, so I wouldn't know how to deal with your conservative family members any better than you would. However, I can totally relate to the emotions you have been experiencing. I am still struggling a great deal, but here are some lessons I have learned that might help you as well. 1. Don't worry too much about labels. It can feel good to confidently say "I'm trans," "I'm non-binary," etc, but this won't make much of a difference in the long run. I identify as non-binary, but if I identified as trans, agender, etc, your perception of me would still have been the same up to this point. Instead of worrying about a label, focus on finding a name, pronoun set, and gender expression that feels natural to you, and don't let confusion over labels hold you back from being yourself. 2. You don't have to be all-masculine or all-feminine. For instance, if masculine clothing doesn't feel right to you but you aren't comfortable wearing a dress, try wearing something androgynous, such as a hoodie and jeans. If going by he/him and a male name doesn't feel right, but going by she/her and a female name would feel too embarrassing, try going by they/them and a gender-neutral name. There are many other ways you can find a compromise between masculinity and femininity that will at least somewhat satisfy your desires but not trigger conservatives around you. I'm pretty sure you get the idea by now, but if you have any questions, feel free to ask. Anyway, I hope this advice helped and will continue to help you along your journey. If you have any questions, feel free to ask me. Good luck!
