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I re-came out!

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by NotQuiteANerd97, Jan 9, 2022.

  1. NotQuiteANerd97

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    TLDR: I identified as bisexual for almost a decade, and now, upon looking at all of the repression and self-hatred I put myself through, I've come to discover that I'm gay. And I'm the happiest I've been in awhile.

    I've (24M) known I'm into men for a long time. The usual signs were there. When I was a kid and would go to the store with one of my parents, I enjoyed passing through the men's underwear aisle for obvious reasons. In junior high, I changed in the locker room before cross country practice and had to sneak glimpses of my crush discretely that way I wouldn't be outed. This was particularly important because in class and everywhere else at school, I was being called gay and a bunch of other slurs by a handful of other kids.

    So yeah, this is where my self hatred came from.

    I'm an ethnic mutt with a strange name, I'm a nerd, on the autism spectrum, and there's probably a bunch of other odd things about me that aren't coming to mind right now. It doesn't help that in junior high I was also called ugly and that caused a bunch of issues for my self-image.

    From a young age, I told myself: "Try to be somewhat normal. You're incredibly weird and life is going to be hard, so don't make it any harder than it already is". This included following a "normal" path in life as best as possible. This included finding a woman to marry and starting a (biological) family. This was especially important to me because I was the only one left in the family who could continue the bloodline. That being said, my family wasn't as preoccupied by this as I was. My parents don't care if I have kids, and even my grandmother, who is well into her 80s said "we have too many people as it is". Nevertheless, I put this obligation on myself. I could accept my same-sex attractions and simply acknowledge that I should ultimately settle with a woman and do what I have to do. I came out as bi at age 16. My friends were totally supportive and my parents were too, though a bit surprised. I distinctly remember telling my parents "I'm like 80% straight, I'll probably end up with a girl".

    With all that being said, there was a misery that accompanied my endeavors to find a girl. Not only was my luck poor, but there was this bad vibe that loomed over it all. I found girls attractive, at least aesthetically, but something felt a little off the whole time, like I was doing something I had no business doing. At the time, it was impossible for me to acknowledge that. Being gay was alienating, relegating you to a different part of society that doesn't overlap enough with the mainstream, where I wanted to be so badly after a childhood of feeling that I was weird. I wanted to grow up and escape weirdness, live the dream and prove to my bullies that I'd overcome everything.

    By my late teens, I started having sex with other boys. Even then I told myself this was temporary until the right girl came around. These encounters were good, and I enjoyed them, but I ended up telling myself I was indulging too much and that I needed to focus on finding a future wife before the well supposedly dries up. This just caused more misery, well into my early 20s. It doesn't help that I also had a deathly fear of being alone, and since there are more women into men than men into men, I figured that it'd be more statistically advantageous to seek a woman.

    I've had two long-term relationships with women. I loved their company and they treated me so well, but as the novelty wore off, I found myself craving men. After the first one, I found myself swinging hard towards the same sex and I even identified as gay in certain circumstances, and it felt great. For the first time, I was confident about my same-sex attraction instead of admitting it as if it's something incidental. At this point, my "attraction" to women was more about aesthetics rather than wanting to be with them romantically or sexually, and I think some of the heteronormative wiring society had done was starting to be untangled. Being a man who loves men felt so liberating, so like me. Even when I was single in between these two relationships, identifying as bi, and would be referred to as "gay" in conversations due to my mention of my experiences with men, it felt amazing. That being said, it was not a pill I could fully swallow. I had been with women, and I had still planned to start a regular nuclear family.

    That being said, some of this internalized homophobia remained. I dated another woman, and again, things started off well but slowly fell apart. My most recent relationship ended a few months ago, and afterwards, this pull towards men felt even stronger. I went on a few dates with a guy (who ironically ended things because he was still figuring his own orientation out) and it all felt new, almost a little scary, but so liberating and I didn't feel so much as a twinge of dissonance. When I was with women, I felt like even though I was openly bi to them I had to suppress something in me by being with them. With the men I've been with, I feel like I can truly be myself. There may not always be a romantic connection (most of my encounters with men have been FWB situations), but the connection feels raw, uninhibited, and just plain amazing. It's truly crazy how being in a heteronormative society can pressure you into thinking you should be straight even if you yourself think being gay is okay. Maybe I'm just impressionable, but in retrospect that's how it felt.

    I've spent the last few months reflecting on all of this, and as of late December, it's all been coming together. My subconscious self hatred has been eroding, and I began to get the guts to tell my friends that "I think I'm gay". This felt right, it just clicked. On New Year's Eve, I attended a small party with a few friends, While the two guys there were out in the yard grilling, I ended up hanging out with two girls I'm friends with. We smoked some weed and started doing shots. Eventually we spilled out a few secrets to each other and I basically came out to them, though the night was a bit of a blur. We remained crazy all night and it was one of the best nights of my life.

    Shortly thereafter my confidence increased, I began telling more friends that I'm gay. Just the mere act of doing it made me feel like a fog was lifting. When I visited my parents last Thursday, I re-came out to them. Judging by my tone, my mom saw it coming and was able to get us forward to the main point of the conversation. Her and my dad (though he has the classic straight guy attitude) are totally accepting.

    I've been a lot less self-loathing lately, things have clicked mentally. I'm more at ease and my internal monologue has been much quieter. If you made it to the end of this post, thanks for listening to my story.
     
    I Love Dory and BiGemini87 like this.
  2. old tacoma

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    Congrats, and best wishes for a great New Year!
     
  3. BiGemini87

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    Congratulations! This is a huge step, and you should be so, so proud of yourself. You've put so much thought into this, show such self-awareness in how you not only realized your orientation, but also what was blocking you from accepting it. A lot of what you described isn't uncommon, either; the disparity between being accepting of homosexuality but being afraid to be part of it is something I can understand (from a bisexual lens. In my case, it was the fear of having same sex attraction at all).

    I'm glad it's been a largely positive coming out experience, and I hope it continues to be so. :slight_smile:
     
  4. quebec

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    NotQuite.....I am really happy for you! ***Happy*** ***Happy*** ***Happy*** ! :old_smile: :old_smile: :old_smile:

    It took me until I was 64 years old to say those three words "I am gay". My life started to change the moment that I finally accepted the fact that I am and always have been gay. I am so glad that you didn't wait as long as I did to accept yourself. I truly am very happy for you.
    .....David :gay_pride_flag:
     
  5. I Love Dory

    I Love Dory Guest

    I've known i was Pansexual since i was 10 but could never tell anyone. I ended up telling my sister when i was 11 and she said she wasn't homophobic or anything but she wouldn't do anything of the sort herself. I felt like she didn't accept me or thought i was unnatural because of what i was. When i was 12 last year my sister slipped up in front of my aunt (who takes care of me) and she asked me if i liked girls, so i was basically forced to come out. When i came out it was a week before Christmas. My aunt said she didn't approve and that it wasn't natural for me to be attracted to other female. I was devastated and locked myself in the bathroom. I even thought of suicide while i was in there but knew i wasn't alone and would be able to overcome this with the help of others. I'm now 13 and uhhh... i'm non-binary now and i don't think im coming out about this to my family anytime soon. but i've told some of my very close friends.
     
  6. I Love Dory

    I Love Dory Guest

    i honestly am just scared to be hurt by my own family again i think, but i can't keep the secret forever