I need help.

Hello, @John543. I'm sorry you've been struggling with this. I don't know if we can give you any definitive answers, but maybe we can help you find them.

Firstly, porn on its own isn't the best of indicators. Many people can watch porn that differs from their sexual orientation, because porn is intended to stimulate (though I will say people, for instance straight men, generally don't seek gay porn out; if they seek anything other than hetero, it's usually lesbian porn).

Secondly, when you have sexual fantasies, have they been exclusively about women? Or do you fantasize about men too? If you've never really let yourself fantasize sans porn, give it a try and see where your thoughts lead you. What we fantasize about is a much better indicator.

Following that, though--have you ever been attracted to another guy? This could be as subtle as being inexplicably drawn to someone (friend or stranger) to as blatantly obvious as arousal in their presence, thinking about them often when they aren't around, etc.

If you haven't/don't experience attraction to other men, then chances are you aren't gay. You could be bi with a strong preference for women, but even this, without attraction to men, doesn't seem likely to me.

OCD is a possibility, but that's really up to your therapist to either confirm or deny. If your therapist doesn't specialize in LGBT patients, perhaps you can get a referral to one who does? They will likely have an easier time in helping you separate one issue from the other.

I'm sorry if this isn't much help, but at the very least, I hope it's given you some tools in which to work with.

 

Hey @John543

I'm bisexual. A common misconception is that being bisexual is being "gay lite". That we cannot be attracted to another of the same sex with the same intensity that a homosexual can be. This is untrue. Our feelings for those of the same sex can be as compelling as for a gay person. That said. Sexuality is a spectrum. Most of us are capable of situationally being attracted to the same sex. This might be porn or a fleeting fantasy of same sex.

The difference between really being "bisexual" and being "straight" is when these attractions are really something that is there without the benefit of forced stimulation by porn or kink fantasy. It would seem from what you have written that you are a straight guy. That's OK...we aren't all perfect (meant to be a joke).

I would suggest stop testing yourself. One of the common myths is that we can determine our sexuality by these tests. I think this stimulates anxiety more than anything. I would suggest, instead, to just be open to allowing what you really feel. If an attractive guy stimulates a desire (you know what this really is) then you could be bisexual. I really doubt it based on what you have written. That said, denial can be a powerful tool to ward off desires. So, you have to be careful that you are not in the situation where you deny your sexuality because "I don't want to be gay". I just don't see that from what you've written.

You've mentioned obsessive behavior and have been receiving treatment. Sometimes it's OK to recognize these thoughts as nothing more than part of an obsession and write them off to that and move on. What does your therapist say?

 

@John543

I'm no expert on OCD or Obsessiveness that is maybe not full blown OCD. But, I do know that there are therapies that can help with the obsessive thoughts. It's not that you can learn to not desire the constant testing. But, you might be able to learn to manage them.

It is really hard to determine what someone's sexuality is since we can't live another's reality. But, from everything you have written I would say you are straight.

I have a tool that I use when I worry obsessively over something. I decide to put that worry aside for a later date. So, instead of saying "I need to quit this thought" I say to myself "I will schedule this worry for next Friday". I sort of procrastinate on the worry. Sometimes this can be helpful to clear my head. Sometimes I even forget to worry and that in itself will teach me that I can do without it. When I came out to my wife a few years back I was in a mental knot trying to figure out what to say and do. It was overwhelming and I had constant obsessive thinking, worry and anxiety. So, I put an odometer on my bike and decided I didn't get to do anything about my situation anyway until I had ridden it 500 miles. At that time, I had a lot more clarity to face my reality.

You may be able to find other ways to set aside this compulsion. Maybe bring this up again in therapy.

 

Believe it or not, there are straight men who sometimes watch gay porn and even participate in the making of it. Equally, there are gay men who sometimes watch straight porn and may also participate in the making of it. Yes, it happens and it actually doesn't have to undermine our sexuality or cause so much stress. As previously mentioned, our sexuality is on something of a spectrum and very few of us can seriously claim to be 100% straight or gay. Most people have a predominant attraction to the opposite sex (straight) or same sex (gay), but it doesn't mean we hold a gold star and never show the slightest curiosity in what the other side is getting up to. Curiosity is part of human nature and watching porn goes some way towards satisfying that curiosity, but it's not indicative of anything greater.

Based on what you have written in this thread I doubt you are even bisexual, but the checking and testing is starting to cloud everything you have known and trusted so far. Instead of enjoying healthy curiosity, you have gotten into panic mode and an obsessive pattern of thinking about your sexuality and that's a cycle you need to break. You may need medication alongside talking therapy to try to unlock everything, but I would urge you to consider what I wrote about curiosity being entirely normal and healthy.

 

As @Chip mentions sounds like OCD and no amount of 'testing' is going to help you.
But imagine this was describe someone else - does it sound remotely gay or does it sound like someone straight?

I had a lot of anxiety and denial about my sexuality and even tried to rationalize that it was OCD but even at the height of that, I had vivid sexual fantasies about guys that I didn't have to test or force about guys and couldn't really get aroused by women at all.

Seems to be a good indicator that its OCD -

 

@John543 take @Chip 's advice -

If a friend said this to you would think they were gay?
Look you have two gay guys (Chip and myself) and everyone you know IRL saying you're not .....
I was in repression and denial - but even then - to be blunt, the thought of giving a blow job or having a guy perform anal intercourse on me aroused me like... well how you get aroused about women that's because I was gay even though I was in denial. I don't even have to watch pornography - I can just think about giving a blow job to a guy I have the hots for and I get super aroused.. .that's me, gay... I don't have to test myself or force myself (in fact I did the opposite and tried to force myself to fantasize about women - guess what , it didn't work! The only pain came from denying myself....

Nothing you say indicates you are anything but straight and no amount of testing or discussion will help. As @Chip says therapy/ and treatment can.

 

Hi bro, i who have ocd can properly say that everything chip and others said it's true, im suffer from ocd and i did everything that you're doing now, as someone who has been with this for 4 years now i learned a ton of things w this, the first is that it doesnt matter how many times you try testing with guys, it will never stop, you'll never get clarity of what you're feeling and you will only waste your time and plus hurt yourself, i think you can even make your body start getting reponses from it, since i think it's what's going on with me. If you have time and wish to do it, you can read my treads, i did a lot of things and i was a real pain in the ass, it was hard and i went through a lot. I'm even having some problems with responsives now, sometime ago i used to get hard whenever i would test with me, i don't know why it happened, it was so sudden. And even explaining that they still say i have ocd and yeah, it turns out to be that i think. My brain have this normal response frkm thus tests just bc i spent 4 years doing everyday 5x per day.

So you need to stop testing l, i'm getting better with medicine and psychiatrist, at leats i think so haha, so be sure to go read my treads bc it can help you, chip and the others can say how much i bothered their lives haha. Be well bro

 

Hi @John543, I'm new here and appreciate your post. I've also been "questioning" for the past several years, but in hindsight I would say that I've been opening up. I see some parallels in my situation and yours, but I think we're coming to different results.

I definitely am bisexual. I have no more doubts about it. Maybe if I shared some of my experiences it could help you. Reading your experienced only helped me to further confirm my bi-ness.

I also have done some online research and was also a bit obsessive about it. It affected my sex life with my wife negatively, it affected my mood negatively and I've been drinking too much at times. Now that I'm completely open with myself, our sex life has gotten a LOT better, I'm in a better mood and I'm drinking less (but still working on that...). Only thing left is to come out to my wife and then to everyone.

You seem very preoccupied with porn, so I'll tell you how my experience has been. Some of my first experiences with porn as a teenager included bisexual porn, and I found that MMF porn really turned me on. I don't remember ever finding gay porn, but I did think of gay sex, both oral and anal.

Throughout my teenage years, it was always a fantasy of mine to have a secret male "friend with benefits". I thought it wouldn't mean anything, because I knew I liked girls – so I couldn't be gay. My (male) cousin once told me how two friends once asked him if he wanted to join them giving each other blowjobs. He said something homophobic and stopped hanging out with them. I don't remember how I reacted, but I remember being jealous that never happened to me! Actually, a friend in college did try to come on to me, but I was too afraid that he was trying to trick me and I wasn't attracted to him anyway, so I told him I wasn't gay and he'd have to find someone else, but I'd still be his friend.

Opps, I digress. Back to porn....

You mention lesbian porn. Interestingly, that doesn't turn me on very much. I can't imagine myself in the situation if there's not a man involved.

As others have mentioned – apart from getting some professional help – you should do more exploring in your fantasy world. For example, are you turned on by the idea of passionately kissing a man (perhaps even a particular man) in the shower or your bed, holding his body close to yours? That definitely turns me on a lot. And I can have the same fantasy for a woman. Both fantasies turn me on a lot. And beyond fantasy, I could fall in love with a woman or with a man. Ergo, I am bisexual.

None of this changes my reality of being very much in love with my wife. I love her like crazy and don't ever want to lose her. Being bisexual does not stand in the way of that. In fact, it literally means that you CAN be with a woman.
If you are bisexual (which it sounds like you really are not) you don't have to lose your girlfriend.