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I love him but I blame myself for his sexuality...

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by Chrollisp, Nov 20, 2012.

  1. Chrollisp

    Regular Member

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    and I feel like such a predator.

    Hi, this is my first post and I was wondering if I could get some good advice on an issue I'm dealing with.

    We grew up together. My best friend and I were always so close. His mother happens to be my mother's cousin, and we come from the same town. My parents and I went abroad and visited in the summers, where I spent the entire time with him.

    At the age of 11, we started watching porn and masturbating together. That is completely normal for all boys. Even straight boys. Knowing that I have a much stronger attraction to guys than I do girls, I did something hasty at 13 and grabbed his, well you know.

    By the age of 14, him and I were engaging in full on foreplay that led to oral sex which sort of ended things abruptly due to the unbelievable amount of guilt that came with the sexual please.

    Since then, things remained normal, we stayed closer than ever, and life went on. We managed to stop for an extremely long time and I established that I was equally, if not more, attracted to men as I am to women, and I embarked on my own sexual adventures while trying to protect my reputation. He on the other hand had numerous crushes on different girls in town.

    At 17, during the summer, we partied like there was no tomorrow. I had gotten a new car and we'd drink and drive all night. One night, after a party we went to, we drunk and he slept over. We were laying in bed when out of nowhere he started to kiss me and I kissed him back. This went on for ten minutes until oral sex was involved again.

    It was the next morning that I realized that I was in love with him. Being around him was were the most enjoyable times I'd spend and when I wasn't with him, I'd be waiting for his replies on my phone. I always presumed it was the fact that he was my best friend, but suddenly it felt like he was mine.

    Again, two years passed and nothing happened. I had a new boyfriend and have moved home for uni, and he was in love with his girlfriend. A few months ago, things started to escalate again. We drink a lot more and flirt a lot more but he's still not mine and I wanted him to be.

    So two weeks ago, we were drunk and he was talking to his girlfriend on the phone telling her how much he loved her. It was at that moment that the thought of me never being with him really hit me. I started to cry and got out of the car. He asked what was wrong as he followed, and I made up the excuse that my boyfriend is cheating on me, as he is the only person aside from my mother who I'm out to here. He kisses me and tells me I deserve better than that and asked if I loved him more than my boyfriend.

    The next morning I sent him a long message revealing that I was in love with him, and that I couldn't breathe when I'm around him and that it's ridiculous I feel this way because I used to think we were like brothers. When he didn't reply, I went over to his house to confront him and he told me to just get out of the car and leave. Next morning, he sent me a message blaming me for confusing as I was the one who started this twisted relationship and ordered me to stay away for he really loves his girlfriend.


    I don't know what to do. I don't know what it is that makes me feel predatory but I guess it's the fact that I always seemed to be more mature. Richer, more educated..I don't know what it is, but everyone viewed me as the more capable one. So if his parents found out about what we were doing, it feels like I would get the blame which is ridiculous because I'm only 8 months older.

    I know this was long, but I'm confused and heartbroken.
     
  2. Chip

    Board Member Admin Team Advisor Full Member

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    Welcome to EC.

    First, it's complicated to say what's going on here. It's possible that he is, in fact, straight and the activities that you initiated sort of took him in the wrong direction.

    And yet, when he asked you if you loved him more than your boyfriend, pretty clearly he would not have done that if he were not also feeling something.

    My guess is that he's confused. And probably was in denial, for himself, about the fact that he might not be completely straight. Following my hypothesis, when you put it all out there, that broke through his denial and, basically, freaked him out. So he responded by pushing away, completely, any indication that he's gay. Which means pushing you away.

    My guess is he feels just as miserable as you do about pushing you away, and that he is probably very confused. Whether he has genuine sexual feelings for you, or whether he's straight, but his friendship is intertwined with the sexual activities you two shared... he's the only one who can answer that, and my guess is that's what he's working through right now.

    So unfortunately, for now, there isn't much you can do. While it does sound like there was a bit of an imbalance in your relationship with him (the age matters less than the perceived balance of power), my sense, based on your description is that for the most part, the activities were consensual and he enjoyed them. And that (probably) indicates he isn't 100% straight, though, as I said above, it doesn't really matter, because what does matter is how he feels, and what he wants.

    You may just have to wait and let him work this out. Weeks, months, maybe longer. But what you might do is say that your friendship is important, and because it is, you'll give him the space he needs, and when he's ready to talk or reestablish contact, on whatever basis he feels comfortable with, you'll be there. And basically leave it at that.

    I know this is hard. I wish there was a magic solution but there aren't any that I know of.