Hello, I posted on here back in November 2020. Thought I would give an update on my journey and share some issues I'm having now. At the time of that post, I was completely in the closet, too scared to tell my family. I come from a very faith based family and consider myself very faith based. So with the help of my therapist and a lot of prayer on my part I came out to my best friend at work. That went great, which in turn game more more confidence. I also put myself out there on a dating site and ended up meeting a wonderful woman, we instantly clicked (same core values, family oriented, also faith based). The only downside is its a long distance relationship. This December made 1 year of us being together. Anyways I'll skip a bunch of details to keep this as short as possible. May 2021 I came out to my parents, this did not go well at all. I sat quietly while my mom unloaded on me how I was going straight to hell and a bunch of other stuff that I don't want to rehash. A few days after that she asked if we could talk and of course I agreed. She apologized and said that her and dad were going to work on it and that my girlfriend would be welcome. Fast forward, Mom and Dad have been really trying they have met my girlfriend a couple times now and she is coming in and staying the whole week after Christmas. Mom and Dad have bought her all kinds of presents and are going to make a big meal and have went all out. Well last night I mentioned that my girlfriend was going on a cruise the week after being here and Mom went cold...she would talk anymore. I asked what was wrong and she starting saying stuff like when I first came out. That it was weird that she was going on a cruise with another woman and that she couldn't be trusted and all kinds of crazy stuff. There was just so much, I was blindsided and hurt. We talked it through and by the end of everything she was calm again. I have felt so defeated today. All I want to do is cry and give up and hide again. I hope that makes sense. There is so much more to this but I don't want to bore you with it. If anyone has any questions or needs anything clarified please ask.
FindingMe.....Your mom's reaction reminds me of my own attitude when I was going through acceptance of my sexuality. Some days I was OK with it and others days it was horrible. I am also what you call a "Faith Based" person and there were days when I condemned myself and then would later turn around and "forgive" myself. It took time for me to reconcile all of my conflicting emotions. I see that same kind of reaction in your mother. It's difficult when parents realize that the dreams they have carried for the children are not going to happen. When religion is involved it becomes even more difficult. I'm sure you went through a period of time when you were trying to figure yourself out and your mother is doing the same. Hopefully, with time, this will work out. The fact that she has made the effort to accept your girlfriend is a huge step in the right direction. You may be dealing with a step forward and then a step back, before another step forward situation. It sounds like you have good parents who do care for you...it's just going to take them some time to adjust to the new you. In the meantime...keep us updated and remember that you are apart of our LGBTQIA+ Family and we do care! .....David
When we encounter people whose ideas about human sexuality are shaped from a conservative faith perspective it can be very challenging. On the most fundamental level these people may buy into the idea that we are destined for hell and it can take some time for them to work through all of that. Even if they manage it, they may still hold the view that no good will come from a same sex relationship... that our relationships are 'unhealthy, transient and lacking in any stability'. The fact that your girlfriend is planning to go on a cruise "with another woman" may confirm all of these stereotypical ideas in your mother's mind. In the same way she had to overcome (or set aside) her ideas about eternal damnation, she may also have to overcome some of the stereotypes about same sex relationships. Remember, her views are very much coloured by conservative religious values, rather than facts. Maybe when the dust settles you can ask your mom to rationally outline her concerns to you, without all of the hellfire hyperbole. To some extent, I can understand her concerns, even if I don't share them or accept where they are coming from. Sadly, people dive into the deep end without thinking when they have become married to a certain set of values or ideas about life. In the same way as we have to unlearn shame narratives, they have to unlearn layers of religious indoctrination and the two don't often come together at the same time. Both are a journey!
Thank you so much David for your kind words and understanding. What you said I feel has really hit the nail on the head, because it has taken a lot of time to "forgive" myself and I still struggle with it at times, I can only imagine what Mom is dealing with. I do have wonderful parents and I know they love me no matter what, but I also know I need to give them a little grace to work through all this because it was a huge shock. Thank you again, its so nice to have someone else's perspective that is like minded and understands.
Thank you PatrickUK. Thankfully towards the end of this rough conversation I was hopefully able to clarify some things for her. She seemed to be listening, whether she took anything I said to heart is a different matter but I was able to say them aloud. I was able to explain to Mom that just because I was gay and liked woman that didn't mean that I wanted to be with every woman, just like her (Mom) being straight didn't mean that she wanted to be with every man. That it was ok for my girlfriend and even myself to have same sex friends without worry of cheating. Just like she could have male friends and not cheat on dad. I think that clicked with her. I know we have a long road ahead of us with probably more of these conversation and I hope they become easier and that the more she learns that what I have with my girlfriend is as normal as if I had a boyfriend that it won't be such a big deal for her. I guess only time will tell.
Coming from a faith based family I can maybe relate a tad too what you went through with your parents. The best thing though is they accepted you! That is huge! My parents accidentally caught me writing my coming out letter (It did not go well, we had the same talk about how I'm going to hell, shame on you etc) and though, unlike you, who initiated the conversation of coming out, I wasn't ready at all, I had no talking points or ways to defend myself. In my view, it sounds like your mom is acting like a lot of mom's would if their child was in a relationship, making sure they're safe I guess. If you trust your girlfriend, she has nothing on you, maybe explain that y'all trust each other and maybe give an example of trust y'all had. Parents love examples. FindingMe7, I wish you the best of luck with your mom and your girlfriend and hope things resolve soon! -Parker
@FindingMe7 I'm sorry it's been a bit of a rough, back and forth road between you and your parents--but I'm glad they accepted you, even if it comes with some rough edges. When it comes to your girlfriend going on the cruise, your mom sounded more protective of you, which even if misguided, is really touching. It sounds like she's coming to accept this part of you, even if it's been difficult to do. I wish you the best of luck in continuing this journey with your parents, and I hope you all find peace with it.
Thank you all for the kind words, they all help so much. We had a really good Christmas together and week. Things seemed really good no issues. Today was my first day back to work from the visit. After work I went over to see Mom and Dad and Mom was super quiet and didn't want to speak. I tried asking about their day, what all they did, small talk but all I got was quick two word answers. I left and went home and sent her a text asking what was wrong. She said everything was fine. I replied it didn't seem like if was fine. She replied "Sometimes I just have a hard time dealing with it all." She wouldn't explain any further than that. I told her if she needed to talk I was always here. She just replied "ok". I worry that this is never going to get any easier and that this will be how it is all the time. I felt like everything was going so well and then out of the blue this. I've done nothing this evening but cry.
FindingMe7.....As I said in my post to you, sometimes it's a step forward and then a step backwards. I know that I started actually recognizing and dealing with being gay in about 2010. At first it was just a very low key awareness in the "back of my mind" that I wasn't straight. It wasn't something that I consciously thought about...but it was there. Over a period of years it gradually became more and more obvious to me that I was gay. I didn't want to think about it and did my best to ignore it. However, eventually I couldn't push it away any longer and in 2014 I came out here on EC. With the help of the wonderful folks here on Empty Closets and a really great therapist, I came out to my wife in March of 2016. She was accepting, but didn't fully understand for quite a while after that. We spend years reconciling our sexuality and then turn around and expect people close to us...especially parents...to accept and adjust practically overnight. Our parents have visions of our future from the time that we are tiny babies...I know, I have three grown sons all of whom have taken paths quite different than I thought they would. When we take different paths it can be difficult for them. When we take a wildly different path and come out as LGBTQIA+ it can shake them down to their core. It's not that they don't love us, it's that we have turned their world view on its head and sometimes they just don't know how to deal with it. From day to day they can go up and down...completely accepting one day and not so much the next day. The only real cure for this is time and love. You give them time and your love and they will come around. Most parents love their children too much to let being LGBTQIA+ come between them. .....David
Thank you so much for this. What you said makes total sense. Yes it has taken me years to figure out me and accept me, so I should give them the same grace I have given myself over the years. I do have wonderful parents and I know they love me and would do anything for me. I find myself holding and trying to be responsible for my parents emotions and I know I can't carry that load but it is so hard not too. I just want them to be okay. Hopefully like you said with time and love it gets easier. I fully believe in honoring your parents and I feel like I have with not getting out of the way when things are said out of fear. I continue to love them no matter what, just as I would want to be loved. It's true patience is a virtue and I need to walk in patience. That's a hard road sometimes because I just want it to be all good now. Thanks again David.
