I don't wanna be gay

kellynec,
This is a complex situation that u will have to resolve for yourself … tho others can help.

It'd be helpful if u provided more information such as why u think you're gay, & your relationship / sexual / friendship experience w women & men, & why u don't want to be gay.

Without anything further to go on, I'd say:
- u may be obsessing, as on here your profile u say you're "questioning". In your post, u say you're a "little bit straight". So u could be bi.
- Myself, being bi, my response to u is different than most gay men. If you're bi, u can choose whether u want to be w a woman or a man … or choose the person, according to how you're drawn to them, & not based on their gender. If you're gay, u need to accept your orientation, for long term happiness.

Plz say more … I think it'd help u be more comfortable with your own inner beauty & nature. The path to wholeness is loving who u are.

 

Dude, I'm sorry, but there is no way you were possibly getting off when you were 8...

 

If you dont masturbate to guys(am assuming) and women dont turn you on, ever thought that you might be Asexual but hetero-romantic? Also your still so young, it may take some time to know yourself better.Just work on fighting the negative bit on gay attachment, or male on male attraction. Your over obsessing on that bit and its not healthy but dont worry just cause your different doesnt mean your not special and beautiful. Just take time to learn yourself, be safe, good of heart and considerate of others and everything will be clear in time. Your not alone.

Totally unrelated to your post Op. Its interesting, to constantly see how people panic on realising they might be into guys. Means the societal homophobia is still lethally heavy, even with gay marriage. There is still urgent need for a revolution against homophobia in religions and cultures globally.

 

Oop your 20. Lol Judging by your wanting whatever you did when younger back, i see internalized homophobia, your over obsessing on societal norms and wanting to fit in, its affecting your peace. Its common for some lgbt folks to have this excessive Shame, of not being straight, they will cling to anything to be fully straight. As said above by someone else, walk in your nature and truth, you cant delete your sexuality, you will just be asking for chaos and unhealthy hetero relationships. If your attractions to men and women was currently happening naturally, with no conflicts or wanting to forego anything. You would be in a healthy state of self, thus forming positive bonds with others but currently your not. Work on the internalized homophobia. I.H has nothing to do with your dislike for gays, its self explanatory with the word -Internalized. Societal prejudice has got the best of you and its crushing your inner self. In addition i have no clue why your only physically obsessing on things. Your not even thinking of forming meaningful bonds.

In the words of Rupaul- If you cant love yourself, how in the hell are you going to love somebody else.

 

I thought I was straight to you know, for quite long time, between the age of approximately six and twelve years old. Although now I remember a moment during this period when I was freaking out because I seemed to like boys and girls the same way (yes, a repressed memory...). I thought I was abnormal at that point hence the freaking out.

 

Well, your a very unique specimen, i must say, though i have heard the same life stories with some lgbt folks.
Even if no one can explain your shift at childhood, i still dont get why after the age of 12, you werent upset with your gayness but now at 20, suddenly your acting up,panicking as if it was months ago when the shift happened. I just think your current environment is playing a huge role in your current mental struggle. Maybe you should just take a vacation away from everybody and soul search before you hurt your mental health.
In 10 yrs to 20yrs, there will still be no technology to change sexual orientation. More like a better understanding of the variations of sexual orientation and more progressive laws, that aid lgbt people in having fulfilling lives.
I do understand your struggle, maybe based on your environment its hell to be different. But dont let hate win your soul and heart, search for lgbt allies, dates and friends to make you feel at home. To counteract any hate you may be facing. Therapy also can come in handy, on overcoming difficult times.
We need guiding hands always, to help us in this treacherous and painful journey called life. Therpay, to keep us grounded and self aware of our goals, know our importance and to keep on growing our inner selves at the end of the day.

 

A girls body was never a turn off for me. I just kept thinking I was straight because I didn't know bisexuality existed so I minimized my attraction to girls. I mean, if I was attracted to boys I was straight, right?

Now, we are all unique, and it's not because we have different experiences that you can not be bi. Put ten bisexual people in one room and you get ten different stories. Only you can know your sexual orientation.

Why do you prefer to be bi? Because if you think it's easier being bi than being gay, I honestly think it's not.

 

Actually, kellynec, that's NOT what @Tomás said. Or, at the very least, if that is what he stated, it is wrong.

Just as gay guys can 'choose' to be celibate, bi guys can 'choose' to focus their attention on opposite-sex attractions. That doesn't lessen, by any means, any same-sex attractions that we have. It simply means that we can 'pretend' - at least for a while - that our same-sex attractions don't exist. In the longrun, that is a zero-sum game because we just have to be who we truly are. You can't be 'authentic' to anyone, especially if you aren't authentic to yourself in the first place.

My 2cents.

 

That's why I asked the question. I already thought I would get this answer. I agree with Quantumreality. I have exactly the same experience. This 'pretend' period lasted for me until I got to know my gay colleague better who is always unapologetically himself. And it just struck me at some point. Who do I want to be for the rest of my life, myself or someone else? And then the acceptance began. Because up until then I was still partly in denial, still thinking I was in a bisexual phase although I was 34 (although I had not been able to think of myself as straight from about the age of 15)! I am glad I'm out now and I think I should have come out way earlier but no regrets (we're ready when we're ready). I always thought it wasn't necessary because I have boyfriend (who knows I was interested in girls from early on in our relationship and is totally fine with it) but I was wrong. I feel way better now.

 

No offense to you, but I HATE when someone who is Bi or might be Bi describes their attractions as "mostly gay" or "mostly straight". If you are Bi, you are Bi. Regardless of whether your attractions are more same-sex or opposite-sex. To "identify' as "mostly gay" or "mostly straight" just strengthens Bi-erasure.