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I don't know if I am sexually attracted to women

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by forestwitch, Sep 2, 2021.

  1. forestwitch

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    Hey guys!

    The title already says it all - I don't know if I am sexually attracted to women. I've identified as demisexual, pansexual, bisexual and even heterosexual before ... but in the end, no label seemed to fit. I am so confused and I have been for so long. I thought that maybe someone in this forum might be able to relate to my confusion and tell me if and how they figured themselves out.

    I don't know how to put all of my experiences/memories into a continuous text which is why I'll try summarizing them by making a list. I know this is a long post, I just didn't know how to accurately explain my confusion in a shorter post. Sorry!:see_no_evil:

    • As soon as I hit puberty, I noticed that watching women kiss (for example on TV) sexually aroused me.
    • As soon as I hit puberty, I also started masturbating to fantasies of men getting pleasured by women. (These were always men and women I invented in my head, I never had fantasies about people I knew).
    • Something that I realized in hindsight is that my sex drive has always been quite low. Which is why I did and still do not masturbate often. I can forget about sex for weeks (if I'm not reminded of it in some way).
    • I've never had any crushes, I only fell in love with my ex-boyfriend (after a year into the relationship - and even then the infatuation was never as intense as people tend to describe infatuation). But I was also bullied in school, mostly by girls. In addition, my mother physically abused me and there is a tiny chance I might have also been sexually abused (by a man), I'm just not entirely sure about that. So I don't know if I simply never deemed people safe enough for me to have crushes on them if that makes sense.
    • This is where the idea of me being demisexual came from though. Just because I do not experience primary attraction to people I do not know (primary attraction = finding body attributes sexually attractive). I don't see a stranger on the street or at a bar or in a club and think to myself "wow they're so hot I wanna do sexy stuff with them". NEVER. Not once has that happened to me. All strangers are boring to me (from a sexual perspective). I can recognize beauty and find a stranger aesthetically pleasing but thats about it. However, as soon as I know the person and like their personality, I am suddenly able to experience primary attraction. I experience it rarely though (apparently I am very picky). And even when I am experiencing it, I don't feel a desire to kiss or sleep with them. I've only ever felt that desire with my ex-boyfriend. Its soooo complicated y'all. :rolling_eyes:
    • While watching porn as a teenager, I mostly focused on men - but womens pleasure sexually aroused me too. This rarely happens anymore - if I watch porn (about every 2 to 3 months) I focus on men about 90 percent of the time now.
      I've asked myself again and again if the sexual arousal in response to womens pleasure has to do with my ability to put myself into someone else's shoes or if I'm indeed attracted to a sexually aroused woman. I am very empathic, I even enjoy giving people massages because its like I can feel the massage I'm giving the other person on my own body thanks to my empathy. I even get as relaxed as the person that I'm massaging. I know this sounds crazy but I just wanted to give you an example for how much I can feel what the other person is feeling, even physically (especially when it comes to pain). Which is why I sometimes think that watching a sexually aroused woman simply triggers empathy in me and makes me sexually aroused as a result. Sometimes I can even feel the way she's being pleasured (e.g. orally) in my own body. Btw, this kind of sexual arousal is not psychological, its only physiological - when that happens, I don't look at the woman wanting to kiss or sleep with her. There's no psychological desire, only a desire for a physiological release. But thats also the case with men in porn.
    • I don't know if thats important information (lol) but I think I watch way too many tiktoks/youtube videos about lesbians and bisexuals for me to simply be an ally. They make me so very happy for some reason.
    • When I smoke weed, I feel as if I am more sexually attracted to women. What I know for sure though is that I am way more hornier when I'm high than when I'm sober. This is also the reason why I smoked weed everytime before I had sex with my ex bf. Due to the trauma I had experienced as a child, my dissociation made me feel too numb during sex otherwise. So weed helped me experience sexual desire for the first time in my life (sexual desire as in "I want to have sex with my bf").
    • Another out-of-context-info: when women flirt with me, even when they're being extremely respectful, I feel scared. The same way I feel scared when creepy men don't respect my boundaries. And I've never understood that. It also feels unfair to these extremely respectful women. I think it has something to do with me being scared of expectations that people could possibly have of me (even if they don't have any).
    • After my break up, I kissed a very close female friend of mine and we even had sex several times. However, I never felt sexual desire when that happened. I also felt as if I was missing some kind of male energy (e.g. a beard, a deep voice, a penis). I even felt a little bit of disgust when I ate her out (not because of her body or anything, it was just a feeling in the background of my head - and I guess it has something to do with me thinking of her as a sister of mine). I finally managed to tell her that I needed to stop doing sexual stuff with her (I am not good at finding out what I want which is why it took me so long to say that).
    • After my break up, I also kissed another close female friend of mine. We had both taken a microdosis of MDMA beforehand so I don't know if it was the drug, but I felt sexual arousal when we kissed. I think I also felt some kind of sexual desire ... because I didn't want her to stop kissing me. Lol. It just felt kinda ... right. I would also love to kiss her again. So that is probably the "strongest evidence" that I am not straight.
    • But still ... I don't go about my day craving sexual intimacy with women. I never fantasize about it. I also don't go about my day craving sexual intimacy with men - only with my ex bf (cos I'm not over him yet :face_palm:). When I fantasize, I fantasize about him and not about any other man. I tried fantasizing about other people but that just doesn't arouse me.
      I wish I wouldn't be so picky. Then I'd maybe be able to figure myself out quicker just by making out with a bunch of people. But I just don't wanna make out with anyone except my ex bf (and maybe that one female friend). I'm just so tired of being confused.:frowning2:
      And I think what adds a lot to my confusion is my past trauma. It's possible that I emotionally disconnected myself from my queerness while I am actually as sexually attracted to women as I am to men. It's possible because sometimes, I am completely dissociated from my emotions. So why not be dissociated from my queerness?

    Thanks so much for taking the time to read all of that! I appreciate any kind of feedback.

    :heart:
     
  2. forestwitch

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    Whoops, I forgot to mention that I have also had two dreams about having sex with a female stranger. (Btw, I almost never dream about having sex with a male stranger either). And both times, I had an orgasm while I was sleeping. But it wasn't a nice experience. Because during the dream I felt kind of violated, almost as if I did not want to sleep with these women (in my dream they had initiated the sex and I had just played along with it). After waking up, I felt disgusted - and not because of the gender of my sexpartner but because of the way the sex had happened in my dream if that makes sense.
     
  3. QuietPeace

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    Welcome to EC.

    Often I quote and respond to each separate thing but many of yours are grouped and thus the quotes would end up being unnecessarily long. I will try to address the things that I see here.

    As far as the lower interest in sex portion. Given that you might have been sexually abused I think that it would be good to try to address that in therapy as a history of abuse can interfere in how our own lives and interests develop. That said, I definitely was sexually abused and I still identify as demisexual. Like you I have no interest in having sex with someone that I am not close to. I was pressured when younger to have casual sex and it was never a good fit for me nor do I have an interest in porn (I even avoid soft sexual scenes in regular movies or in books that I read).

    As far as what you may have done while under the influence, I think that those things should be discounted. What matters more is what we desire when in our right minds. If a person needs to be high to be interested in someone sexually then I think that points more to them needing to address things in therapy.

    I also do not believe that our dreams necessarily indicate anything about our orientation. Dreams are just dreams.

    As far as whether or not you could comfortably be with a woman maybe it is something to cover in therapy. It might just be that you need to meet the right woman. It might be that you need to get help with your traumas. It might even mean that only men are a good fit for you. I think that much of what you have said points to you needing to address issues in therapy.
     
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  4. forestwitch

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    Thanks so much for your answer! I appreciate it very much.

    You're right, I have to address many issues in therapy. My traumatherapist has already done EMDR and parts work with me for the last two years. The thing is that there is so much I still need to recover from that we did not even start to really talk about the potential sexual abuse. Especially because there are no memories of it, only weird symptoms (which could also be explained for the most part by the physical and emotional abuse that I experienced). This makes me think nothing happend. And it makes me scared of accidentally inventing false memories. In addition, my therapist thinks that at the moment, I am too unstable to open that box of potential sexual abuse yet. But I totally get what you're saying and I hope that someday, I will be able to process whatever I need to process in that respect.

    For some reason that was validating to hear. Thank you for sharing. And sorry that happened to you. Hope you could/can heal from it!

    I sometimes think thats the case. Hence my wish to not be as picky:grimacing: But oh well ... I guess I won't be able to change that aspect of me.

    Have a good day and thanks again:relaxed:
     
  5. forestwitch

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    In that thread about porn and sexual orientation someone said that your own fantasies say a lot about your sexual orientation. But since puberty, I haven't really had any fantasies. When I masturbate, I only think about sexual stuff that I have experienced with someone before, thats all. When I try to fantasize about men or women doing sexual stuff to each other or to me, my brain kinda goes blank and no arousal comes up. I just don't know what and especially who to picture. Inventing people in my head does not arouse me (even tho it did in puberty). And thinking of people in my life does not arouse me either. Even watching porn does not arouse me all the time, I oftentimes think its boring. I only started to watch it now and then after the break up.

    I just remembered that while being in a relationship with my ex bf, I began to really want to kiss girls and started to imagine how it could feel like. But that did not feel like a fantasy. It felt like curiosity.
     
  6. silverhalo

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    It can be tough to figure things out. Whilst nobody can tell you what you are from what you have said I would say that it definitely sounds like there is some level of attraction to girls.The fact that you didnt like the sexual stuff with your friend doesnt have to mean anything. Being gay doesnt mean you will be attracted to all girls.
     
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  7. mobius5

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    I hope I can ask a very serious and honest question here without sounding insulting or condescending in any way shape or form, cause I certainly don't mean that.

    Several times now around this forum I've seen people say something along the lines of "I haven't had sexual desire/attraction even while I was *having intercourse or [insert some other sexual act, oral, anal or what-have-you]*. I clearly am missing a lot because I don't see how this is possible? Unless you're being physically or mentally forced (which is a whole other can of worms). I don't imagine I could even give a person a message let alone have any kind of sex with them if I had no attraction/lust/love for them.
    I mean what is the desire to have sex if there's no lust/sexual desire??
    I am a very inexperienced person if you couldn't tell...

    I will add to try to respond to the OP about loosing interest or being disinterested... I think we can easily get bored sexually just like being bored with anything else. And that results it you feeling urged to try new and different things, some more extreme than others...
     
  8. I'm gay

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    I am a gay man who fathered two children in my marriage to a woman. How is this possible? For me, I can explain it this way: Although I was aware of my homosexual desires, I desperately did not want to be gay. I saw nothing good or positive about being gay. When I was in my teens and twenties, I attempted to have sex with guys, and the experiences were mostly awful. What I didn't understand at the time was that my deep shame was tainting my experiences with guys, leaving me feeling like it was all "wrong." Meanwhile, I had dated girls in high school and college because it was what I thought I was expected to do. My best friend, who later became my wife, had feelings for me and we were very close. When she and I had sex for the first time, I honestly thought it was saving me. I was totally able to have sex with her and enjoy it. So, when you combine my desperation to not be gay, shame for my feelings, disgust at what sex with a guy was like, success with having sex with a woman and enjoying it - this is how I ended up in a 20+ year marriage with children, even though I am gay.

    I came to understand that when you're young enough and horny enough, sex with a woman is totally possible for a gay man. What wasn't possible for me was to maintain it over the years. As I grew older, especially in my middle thirties, it became increasingly difficult to get and maintain arousal for her. By the time I was 40 I was no longer able to have sex with her at all and no longer desired any intimacy. That as much as anything was the beginning of the end.

    While some people might claim that I must be bisexual if I had sex with a woman for years, I can say that although I enjoyed having sex in the early years, it never did feel natural to me. I always felt as if I was performing a scene. Sex feel good, no matter the genders, if one can be relaxed and wanting it. When you are no longer relaxed or don't want it, that's when it no longer works.
     
  9. Engdood1

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    Wow. This resonates so strongly with me. I think I’ve had almost the exact same experience. The last two girlfriends I’ve had I completely lost any desire to be with them sexually. I dreaded having to do it. When I was younger I could do it but often had performance problems which I never understood at the time. Amazing how similar our experiences are, thank you.
     
    out2019, forestwitch and I'm gay like this.
  10. forestwitch

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    Thanks so much for your input, @silverhalo !

    Yeah, I oftentimes think so too. Problem is, I constantly switch between confidently thinking "you're definitely bi" and feeling like I'm lying to myself and others while saying that - or rather like I am pretending to be bi. Which doesn't make sense, why would I want to pretend to be bi? I just don't get myself.

    I agree, me not being sexually attracted to my friend doesn't mean that I am unable to be sexually attracted to other women.

    I'm not quite sure if your question relates to the mechanical aspect or the psychological aspect of having sex?

    As for the psychological aspect, having sex even tho I feel no sexual desire has to do with the trauma I experienced as a child and teen. I often dissociate during sex - which means that speaking (=saying stop) becomes really difficult for me, as well as physically getting away from the other person. I begin to feel paralyzed, numb and like I don't care if the sex continues or stops. Its easier in that moment to just let it happen. But because of my therapy, I have gotten better at grounding myself so that I don't even get to that point anymore.
    Also, I oftentimes I have no clue what tf I feel. It's like I am disconnected from my body and mind now and then. Which means that only after a couple of days, I am able to put two & two together and realize that I didn't actually feel sexual desire.
    In addition, before I experienced sexual desire for the first time, I thought sex just feels like that: boring. So I thought thats all I will get and didn't wait for a moment of sexual desire to have sex. Because I didn't know of its existence.
    Furthermore, I used to have sex to feel close to people. Which is a trauma response as well. I thought sex is the only way I can experience physical and emotional closeness.
    Another trauma response was searching for sex to feel worthy. I thought my value was tied to the willingness of other people to sleep with me.

    As for the mechanical part of sex, I oftentimes used lube. Beyond that, your body will respond to stimulation even when you're not psychologically aroused. That can also happen during rape (sometimes to the point of orgasm). Which doesn't say anything about the sexual desire of the victim - because there obviously is none. Its just a mechanical response.
     
  11. Contented

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    My experience is quite similar to I’m gay as well. For many years I worked to convince myself I was straight. Married for many years, divorced, had a long term GF and something always seemed off. It was like I was an actor playing a roll. Sex was ok but it certainly didn’t rock my world. I was 50 when I met the man that changed everything. He opened my eyes to the fact I was and always had been attracted to men. Shortly afterwards I lost my desire to be intimate with a woman and then the ability. Instead of being upset I was relieved that the charade was finally over. The idea of sexual intimacy with a woman now almost seems repulsive. Some might say I am bisexual because I had been with women but for me, I consider myself 100% gay. I know without a doubt if I had had the courage to come out as a young man I would have been much happier. Outside of my daughter, those “straight” years now in retrospect was an emotional and physical waste land. My only advice is if your gay, don’t hide it go with it. Life is too short not to be happy.
     
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  12. Engdood1

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    This is how I feel about sex. I had friends talk about it all the time but when it came down to it I never honestly enjoyed it. Perhaps if I’m with a man it will be different. I get the feeling I will be way more into it.
     
  13. forestwitch

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    I'm glad that you can relate to each other so well! Maybe you could open a new thread about that topic to dive into deeper discussions?:blush:
     
  14. silverhalo

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    What do you think it is that most makes you feel like you are lying to yourself about being bi? Ultimately even if you only ever dated men, it is not for anyone else to tell you you are not bi. I think perhaps it is your conscious and subconcious mind having a bit of a tug of war over the situation.
     
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  15. forestwitch

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    I guess its the fact that I have never had a crush on a woman, I have never felt sexual desire towards a woman (except that one time when I kissed my friend), I sooo very rarely fantasize about women when masturbating (maybe like once a year - just because it doesn't really arouse me), and so on. I guess I think that there's not enough "evidence" that I am into women. And I'm scared that I am pretending to be something people are being discriminated, attacked and even killed for while maybe being actually a straight, privileged girl. When I'm flirting with women, I am afraid of faking my sexuality the most because I don't want to "lead them on" only to discover later on that I can't actually be attracted to them. I don't want to hurt anyone. And I don't want anyone to think I toyed with their emotions just to experiment.

    But I have some interesting news from the research department :joy:I collected more evidence. :stuck_out_tongue:Recently, I tried to masturbate to the fantasy of a woman I invented in my head. The fantasy didn't arouse me at all. So I tried masturbating to memories of the sex me and my ex bf have had. When I was aroused enough, I tried masturbating to the fantasy of that woman again and it actually worked. It even made me orgasm! The fantasy was just her laying next to me pleasuring herself or being pleasured by someone else. Because as soon as I tried to involve myself in the fantasy, my arousal began to fade immediately. I really have no clue wtf that is about. Probably has to do with #trauma:v::joy:

    Maybe my problem is that I only experience sexual desire towards a person when I am in love with them - and apparently, maaaaaany conditions must be met for me to fall in love with someone. I have a hunch that if I ever fall in love with a woman and have sex with her, it'll be like a wake-up call. Because I had that wake-up call after falling in love with my ex bf. Before I knew him, I had never felt sexual desire towards a man either.
     
  16. silverhalo

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    I think the fact that you are so concerned about leading people on probably means that you never would. I commend you for not wanting to do that though because it wouldnt be good for anyone.
    I can totally understand why you are worried about having no fantasies. I think this was part of what made it take me so long to figure out my own sexuality. I had never really crushed on a woman or looked at a girl and had the urge to kiss her or anything. It wasn't until I was watching a TV program with a lesbian storyline in it and I suddenly had this moment where I was watching them on the TV and thought 'hang on I really think I am into this more than the average straight girl'. I'm not saying the case is certainly the same for you but I do understand why it is confusing and I am definitely saying it is totally a possibility.
     
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  17. forestwitch

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    That's so interesting to hear! And it means it's entirely possible that I am into women - even though I don't have that much "evidence" for it (yet). Thanks for sharing:relieved:
     
  18. silverhalo

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    No worries anytime. If you have any other questions or want to chat more feel free to post on my wall
     
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  19. mobius5

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    thanks for the candid explanations; it was helpful.
    I guess part of what makes it hard for me to understand these things is everyone's different and friends/intimacy/sex seems to come very easily for some people, or the opportunities are plentiful, where as for others, like myself, nothing could be farther from the truth.
    The number of close friends I've had in my whole life I can count on one hand and I've only had three actual crushes on another human being.
     
  20. silverhalo

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    I can totally understand where you are coming from, when I questioned my sexuality I was in my mid 20's and I had never dated or kissed anyone or anything. As you say other people always seemed to find opportunities but I didnt. Try not to stress about it you will get there.