Hey guys! The title already says it all - I don't know if I am sexually attracted to women. I've identified as demisexual, pansexual, bisexual and even heterosexual before ... but in the end, no label seemed to fit. I am so confused and I have been for so long. I thought that maybe someone in this forum might be able to relate to my confusion and tell me if and how they figured themselves out. I don't know how to put all of my experiences/memories into a continuous text which is why I'll try summarizing them by making a list. I know this is a long post, I just didn't know how to accurately explain my confusion in a shorter post. Sorry! As soon as I hit puberty, I noticed that watching women kiss (for example on TV) sexually aroused me. As soon as I hit puberty, I also started masturbating to fantasies of men getting pleasured by women. (These were always men and women I invented in my head, I never had fantasies about people I knew). Something that I realized in hindsight is that my sex drive has always been quite low. Which is why I did and still do not masturbate often. I can forget about sex for weeks (if I'm not reminded of it in some way). I've never had any crushes, I only fell in love with my ex-boyfriend (after a year into the relationship - and even then the infatuation was never as intense as people tend to describe infatuation). But I was also bullied in school, mostly by girls. In addition, my mother physically abused me and there is a tiny chance I might have also been sexually abused (by a man), I'm just not entirely sure about that. So I don't know if I simply never deemed people safe enough for me to have crushes on them if that makes sense. This is where the idea of me being demisexual came from though. Just because I do not experience primary attraction to people I do not know (primary attraction = finding body attributes sexually attractive). I don't see a stranger on the street or at a bar or in a club and think to myself "wow they're so hot I wanna do sexy stuff with them". NEVER. Not once has that happened to me. All strangers are boring to me (from a sexual perspective). I can recognize beauty and find a stranger aesthetically pleasing but thats about it. However, as soon as I know the person and like their personality, I am suddenly able to experience primary attraction. I experience it rarely though (apparently I am very picky). And even when I am experiencing it, I don't feel a desire to kiss or sleep with them. I've only ever felt that desire with my ex-boyfriend. Its soooo complicated y'all. While watching porn as a teenager, I mostly focused on men - but womens pleasure sexually aroused me too. This rarely happens anymore - if I watch porn (about every 2 to 3 months) I focus on men about 90 percent of the time now. I've asked myself again and again if the sexual arousal in response to womens pleasure has to do with my ability to put myself into someone else's shoes or if I'm indeed attracted to a sexually aroused woman. I am very empathic, I even enjoy giving people massages because its like I can feel the massage I'm giving the other person on my own body thanks to my empathy. I even get as relaxed as the person that I'm massaging. I know this sounds crazy but I just wanted to give you an example for how much I can feel what the other person is feeling, even physically (especially when it comes to pain). Which is why I sometimes think that watching a sexually aroused woman simply triggers empathy in me and makes me sexually aroused as a result. Sometimes I can even feel the way she's being pleasured (e.g. orally) in my own body. Btw, this kind of sexual arousal is not psychological, its only physiological - when that happens, I don't look at the woman wanting to kiss or sleep with her. There's no psychological desire, only a desire for a physiological release. But thats also the case with men in porn. I don't know if thats important information (lol) but I think I watch way too many tiktoks/youtube videos about lesbians and bisexuals for me to simply be an ally. They make me so very happy for some reason. When I smoke weed, I feel as if I am more sexually attracted to women. What I know for sure though is that I am way more hornier when I'm high than when I'm sober. This is also the reason why I smoked weed everytime before I had sex with my ex bf. Due to the trauma I had experienced as a child, my dissociation made me feel too numb during sex otherwise. So weed helped me experience sexual desire for the first time in my life (sexual desire as in "I want to have sex with my bf"). Another out-of-context-info: when women flirt with me, even when they're being extremely respectful, I feel scared. The same way I feel scared when creepy men don't respect my boundaries. And I've never understood that. It also feels unfair to these extremely respectful women. I think it has something to do with me being scared of expectations that people could possibly have of me (even if they don't have any). After my break up, I kissed a very close female friend of mine and we even had sex several times. However, I never felt sexual desire when that happened. I also felt as if I was missing some kind of male energy (e.g. a beard, a deep voice, a penis). I even felt a little bit of disgust when I ate her out (not because of her body or anything, it was just a feeling in the background of my head - and I guess it has something to do with me thinking of her as a sister of mine). I finally managed to tell her that I needed to stop doing sexual stuff with her (I am not good at finding out what I want which is why it took me so long to say that). After my break up, I also kissed another close female friend of mine. We had both taken a microdosis of MDMA beforehand so I don't know if it was the drug, but I felt sexual arousal when we kissed. I think I also felt some kind of sexual desire ... because I didn't want her to stop kissing me. Lol. It just felt kinda ... right. I would also love to kiss her again. So that is probably the "strongest evidence" that I am not straight. But still ... I don't go about my day craving sexual intimacy with women. I never fantasize about it. I also don't go about my day craving sexual intimacy with men - only with my ex bf (cos I'm not over him yet ). When I fantasize, I fantasize about him and not about any other man. I tried fantasizing about other people but that just doesn't arouse me. I wish I wouldn't be so picky. Then I'd maybe be able to figure myself out quicker just by making out with a bunch of people. But I just don't wanna make out with anyone except my ex bf (and maybe that one female friend). I'm just so tired of being confused. And I think what adds a lot to my confusion is my past trauma. It's possible that I emotionally disconnected myself from my queerness while I am actually as sexually attracted to women as I am to men. It's possible because sometimes, I am completely dissociated from my emotions. So why not be dissociated from my queerness? Thanks so much for taking the time to read all of that! I appreciate any kind of feedback.