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I don't have long left

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by lottaotter, Dec 2, 2022.

  1. lottaotter

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    I often get throughts of wanting to die, but I've always been unsure how or if it is worth it.

    But today I have a plan. I have about a month and a half to get better. If I don't see improvement by that date I'll end it all. Something that will get everyone's attention. Finally. People will see me and people will hear me. Thinking of how some people might be sad doesn't make me doubt my decision. It makes me feel like I'll finally get my revenge on society. I'm mute and invisible. I have lived in misery for almost 29 years. On the anniversary of my birth (the first and worst event in my life) I will end it for me.

    I have lost hope I'll get better. How can I get better? This is what I've tried. I'm so tired of reading all the advice online. The same old trite listicles. Nothing is working.

    -I exercise every single day. My job is active and I also walk, run, cycle and do some light weights
    -I eat a balanaced diet. I am cutting down on sugar (the only thing that brings me joy). I rarely drink and I neither smoke nor take any drugs. I used to never drink caffeine but I have one weak coffee in the mornings now
    -I am seeing a therapist. There has been some breakthroughs but I have been experiencing lows that last longer and are lower than ever before
    -I journal every night
    -I meditate for 3 -10 mins a night for over a year. I still don't understand what I'm doing wrong
    -I force myself to socialise with people I dislike, paint on the smile and do the fake laughter. I cannot do this anymore
    -I set my alarm for the same time every day
    -I write positive affirmations every night

    What more can I do?

    I want there to be a big outcry about how no-one ever asked if I was OK. No-one chose to notice the scars on my wrists. No-one wondered why I sat in the corner looking nervous. I doubt anyone will notice me climbing over the barrier to jump off a high building. I am invisible .

    Maybe I'll feel something in the beautiful dramatic pain and public spectacle. Maybe they'll struggle to scrub the blood of the paving slabs. I hope so. Maybe people on social media will say 'Thoughts and prayers'. Maybe I can have value in death.
     
  2. chicodeoro

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    LottaOtter, the tone in which you've written this is, quite frankly, scary. Suicide isn't 'beautiful'. You wouldn't be making some dramatic statement. You will just be messing up the lives of your friends and your family.

    And you will have wasted your own precious life. We only get one. That's it.

    I'm not sure how you want us to respond to this. If this is a cry for help then I urge you to reach out to people in the real world who can help you practically - friends, your therapist. And then there are the Samaritans, whom I cannot recommend highly enough - 116 123.

    Have a good day,
    Beth x
     
    #2 chicodeoro, Dec 2, 2022
    Last edited: Dec 2, 2022
  3. lottaotter

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    I'm sorry.

    No one can help me and I'm not allowed to contact the therapist outside of sessions. I'm around many people who think mental health is a frivolous indulgence. I guess it is when it's me. I'm sorry. No need to reply

    I will try Samaritans again if I get privacy at some point today.
     
  4. Cinnamoon

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    Sometimes it's okay to just be. To stop trying to socialise when we don't want to. I don't journal, I don't stick to any kind of regular routine. Because for me, it doesn't work.

    I've felt similar to you. In fact, I feel like this quite often. But please listen to Beth. Please reach out to the Samaritans if you need to. It's okay not to be okay, the coping mechanisms you're trying don't work for everyone. Sometimes it's okay to eat a chocolate cake instead of a banana to feel better, sometimes it's okay to binge watch Netflix instead of making yourself exercise when you don't want to. The key is moderation but it sounds like you're striving to be perfect when that's not possible for any of us.

    But please please please if you're feeling like this, reach out for help. Call the Samaritans, make a GP appointment - in fact I'd highly recommend getting in to see your GP if things are this bad. If you need to, call NHS 111. If you feel you're at immediate risk you can even take yourself to the nearest hospital, there may be a wait but someone should be able to see you there.

    Listen to Beth please and listen to the professionals because when you're surrounded by dark clouds it's hard to see things for how they really are - which is why help is out there.
     
  5. lottaotter

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    I have called Samaritans now. She asked me what could change now to make me feel content or some joy, and I didn't have an answer. She said she wouldn't try to convince me not to take my own life but to call again between now and the planned end date.

    Maybe I will try doing nothing instead of striving. But my housemate will be angry at me, and she already is because I am not sociable right now.
     
  6. Gleek99

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    Ending your own life is final. It's permanent, when in years time you could be living the life you want for yourself.

    It won't be some satisfying end chapter, and you certainly won't "get revenge on society" by doing this. Trust me. Do you know how many people die everyday? Do we cry over all of them? No. We don't even know any of their names. The only thing you'll accomplish is throwing away any potential you have.

    I'm being blunt because I'm hoping to get through to you.. I hope I'm not hurting anything by doing so. It is important not to live in a fantasy. You can't possibly know what happens next if you're not here to live it.

    Also, why are you so strict with your lifestyle? Does it give you any satisfaction or any reason to keep pressing on? Or is it because you're trying everything and anything to better your headspace?
     
  7. lottaotter

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    I keep thinking maybe I could live the life I want in the future, but no amount of trying seems to make it any closer. I don't even want anything big for my dreams. At the moment I just want to be content and have little moments of joy to look forward to.

    You're right, I doubt anyone would cry if I died. I am sorry I offended people or whatever by making this post. It is a cry for help because I have spent my life crying for help and no one hears me or sees me. I need to know what I need to do to get better NOW, because right now fuck all is working for me. In fact it's getting worse, and quickly.

    I am strict with myself because self-discipline is one of my only strengths. One of the only things I am good at. I was raised to believe in self-reliance, self-discipline and hard work. I'm not supposed to complain like this and be weak. I do it because all the advice I read online goes on and on and on and ON about how exercise, sleep, diet help mental health. And meditation. Damn, do the rich white people who write those articles LOVE to bang on about how meditation would solve all my problems! So far, I am really not seeing results.
     
  8. lottaotter

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    I did something terrible today also when I was in the middle of an episode.

    I went out for a bike ride to try to do exercise and be in nature (both are supposed to work for depression) and at one point along the track I lost focus and lost control of the bike and kind of skidded off into the trees. This guy was jogging near me and I suppose I thought my accident looked worse than it was and I just yelled at him sarcastically "Don't ask if I'm OK then!". He took out his earbuds and asked me to repeat what I said so I did and he was like "Are you OK? What's the matter" but I just said "I'm fine, just leave it". I was bent over double shaking and breathing heavily too.

    I feel so bad but I am lashing out at people more and more now and I hate that I'm doing it but I also can't seem to control it. I don't know what to do.
     
  9. Gleek99

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    Okay, so you say you don't have any goals? Is that true or is that because you've essentially given up? Who is the person you want to be/your ideal self and what does their life look like?

    Are you open with people about your feelings? If so, how? I'm trying to figure out if they just don't care, or what the deal is. It's possible that you're surrounded by assholes. Or, maybe it's on you, idk yet

    It is okay to be weak, especially in moments like these where it could save your life. I mean in a sense of letting go a bit, cutting yourself some slack, and doing things that will take your mind off of the suicidal thoughts and make you even a little bit happy.

    Everyone is different, and you may have to experiment a little to find what works for you because, as stated above, what you're doing doesn't seem to be helping enough..

    I get that. The whole taking your anger out on the wrong people. I still do that sometimes, and I'm not proud of it.

    I'm sure you're familiar with this, but things like eating disorders and self-harm can sometimes be seen as not so bad. Yes, it is bad, but if it's what's keeping you on this earth longer, then it is serving some sort of positive purpose (imo). I'm just saying, when things get rough you've got to improvise, especially when it's this bad. At least you'll be alive.. assuming it's not a fatal injury or "indulgence" if you will
     
  10. mnguy

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    I'm really sorry you're feeling so sad and hopeless. I relate to much of your post other than having a date or plan in mind. I do think about the folks who would find my body and don't want them traumatized and I don't want to make others sad. At the same time we are sad and it feels like there is too much pain and not enough joy. I don't know why, but I keep plodding along and hope you will feel better. You're right that society tells us guys we aren't supposed to have feelings, but that's bs and we know that. That mentality causes much of the violence in the world I think. It's a huge disorder among us but treated as though it's good to be aggressive and never vulnerable. Maybe you need other sensitive guys to be with who get you? Please reject the thoughts about revenge and getting attention that way. I wish I could give you a big hug right now and be there to talk with you if it would help. (((hugs)))
     
  11. lottaotter

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    I do have goals. My short-term goal is what I described above. These are the long-term goals I can think of:
    -I want to get married some day
    -I want to be able to have relationships and enjoy sex without being reminded of being sexually assaulted as a three-year-old
    -I want to enjoy my job again like I used to
    -I want to enjoy making my art like I used to
    -I want to reach conversational level in the language I'm learning
    -I want to live in a house with a garden so I can grow some of my own food
    -I want to like myself
    -I want to be openly a gay man and not ashamed

    I am sure it is probably all my fault. I don't know what/when/how to say to people around me. And after hearing what they think about people with mental health issues, it puts me off. My friends at home have things going on with them that I try to help them with or just listen if that's what they want. When another friend told them years ago he was depressed some of them became pretty angry about it. Other people have their problems and I don't like to take the emphasis away from them. Obviously I do the opposite on EC using everyone as a free therapist. I have told my housemate/friend twice when drunk and she is open to listening but after the alcohol wears off she doesn't bring it up and neither do I. I feel brushed aside and like no-one checks-in with me. But why would they? Like you say, would anyone even be upset if I wasn't here?

    Do you think I'm blaming others? I am open to the idea that I am the one in the wrong, the horrible person in all of this because that's what I've believed all my life, that there is something wrong with me and I make people dislike me, like on this forum with this post. Tell me if that's the case, because I can take it.

    I started cutting recently to get away from my preferred method of self-harm, which was to beat myself (legs, arms) and beat my head against stuff. It seemed safer and people take cutting more seriously so I hoped it'd be noticed. It wasn't.

    Am I weak for wanting to kill myself then? I posted because I wanted to discharge some of the feelings that I can't bear to keep inside any more- not that I have much choice, because those feelings are spilling out into my life whether I like it or not nowadays. I'm sorry to waste people's time. You don't have to reply.
     
  12. Rayland

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    I wanted to say something. I'm not sure if it will be comforting, but I wanted you do know that we care. It's very good that you reach out for help. That's a step in the right direction. You posting here and talking through your feelings. These posts can be also helpful for you to analyze yourself. I often turn back to my posts and sometimes see things from a completely different angle.

    Life is unfair and cruel, but it also can be beautiful and happy and filled with love. Right now you're severely depressed and you don't see the good things. I've been there. I was terrified of passing cars for example, because I always imagined how I would throw myself in front of the car or jump off a bridge I usually cross or would step on a bus and never return. It all gave me panic attacks. I saw I had to search for help, because I thought that otherwise it wouldn't end up well.

    Also every time I thought of throwing myself in-front of a moving car, then I didn't imagine what pain it would bring to my family. I imagined what horror would the driver have to go through, then came my family.

    The depression is exactly what takes the enjoyment out of things you loved before. I also experienced this.

    The thing is that no matter what you're going through every single life is important. If it wasn't then why would life exists in the first place? You don't need to always be strong. It's okay to feel hurt and cry and laugh and be happy. It's what being human is. We feel emotions.

    Lots of warm hugs your way. You know my PM's are always open.
     
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  13. Gleek99

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    Of course I'm going to reply! I don't want you to give up.

    It's great that you have goals. even if you make half of them sound grim and impossible. Which, they aren't btw. I'm sure you know that though. I guess it comes down to your willingness to put in the work to get past this nasty stuff and get to the other side.

    I don't know what it's like to have to deal with trauma like that. I have never harmed myself intentionally, and have barely any scars. I can't imagine what it's like to live with that and feel like nobody cares.

    Why does nobody seem to care? I think this is important, because it might come down to how you behave around others. This is just a theory of mine ig.

    There are different ways to bring up what you've been through or are currently going through, like joking about it even, but I get the sense that you want to be taken seriously. Is that so?

    You said that you basically wear a mask around others. This is draining to do, I did it for a long time and needed to switch my job, as I was taking my anger out on the customers. So you need to make a change in some regard. Anyways, You wear a mask. Are you ever genuine with people at your work? Do you have anyone you could talk to? Do you downplay your pain and anguish to everyone?

    They might think you don't want to share yourself with them or want to pry. I could be wrong, idk. But if you have a story to tell, it's your job to tell it. Maybe you could also ask your roommate if she cares to hear you out anymore, and get an answer instead of assuming she doesn't care. I'm sure it's a lot to unload onto 1 person, so have more people to talk to would help.

    And yes, I think killing oneself is a weak thing to do. It means you didn't have the strength to fight on. But some people can't see over the amount of shartooski they have to climb. So it's easier to just not put up with it anymore. I understand that.

    What do you do for work if you don't mind me asking?
     
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  14. lottaotter

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    I am writing this on my phone, so I hope the quotes have come out clearly and my responses.

    What should I put work into? I put that list in my original post so everyone could see that I work hard (I think). If that's not the case, please tell me what I am slacking and being lazy at.

    I know I put a brave face on and sometimes reply 'I'm fine' when people ask how I am. I am often worried about making people feel uncomfy by being honest. I am the one in my friend group and family who has always been the good listener, who will sit and listen to others' problems. But it doesn't get reciprocated. I wish someone outside of EC would ask 'How are you really? Please tell me everything you're feeling'. Sometimes one of my friends will help after I text them a bit but then the issue is cut, dried and put to bed in their minds- I no longer require help.

    I have tried joking. It makes people comfier with it, but it sidesteps the reality of the depth of my feelings. I want to be serious now.

    I absolutely downplay it at work. I never know when to broach the subject. I have tried not hiding being down and I have tried not hiding the bloody slash marks on my wrists. No one noticed.

    I don't know how to convince people that I have been strong for almost 30 years of my life fighting this. I really don't know what to say. I don't have infinite resources within myself to fight forever.

    I'm a cleaner. I used to enjoy it very much. I have had to be working on my own for months now due to staff absences. Makes me feel invisible.
     
  15. lottaotter

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    It is very comforting. I want care and compassion, but I sense people have become exasperated with me constantly attention-seeking on this forum. If that's the case, I need to know and I will stay silent again.

    Thank you for saying that I don't always need to be strong. I THOUGHT I WAS being strong. Almost 30 years of struggling through I THOUGHT I'd made progress through hard work and doing all those things I listed above.

    Posting here is a way to diffuse my emotions ever so little. The only other way that I think would diffuse them would be self-harm or taking my own life.

    Thank you for having compassion. I might PM you when I have more energy.
     
  16. Rayland

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    I think right now the main thing you have to deal with is that depression and your trauma and for that you need to seek professional help. Maybe even psychiatrist. I needed one and if I didn't go, then everything would have been way worse. It won't go away on it's own. The more you let it go on, the worse it gets.

    The depression and anxiety can suck all life out of you, but once you get help and try to get better, then you will start becoming hopeful again and see enjoyment in life too. Sometimes you need medication, so it would help you to recover and continuing doing all the positive things, like journaling and setting coals and be healthy helps in the long run.
     
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  17. lottaotter

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    Thank you. I am seeing a therapist now and we were making progress but the lows have got more frequent, and for longer and are worse. I don't understand why. I have 10 days to wait to speak to the therapist again :frowning2:

    I may try getting a doctor's appointment on Monday. I'm worried about that because I've already tried twice and the first time I was just told it was social anxiety and to go to a support group. I really want to try medication.
     
  18. Rayland

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    Have you told the doctor about the cutting and your plans? It can help you to get the needed help. I told my psychologist about my struggles with suicidal thoughts. Also know that once you get the medication, that it takes time at least 4-8 weeks for the depression medications to kick in. If you get side effects, then it's important to tell your doctor and they can either lower the dose or get you other type of medication. You need to be consistent taking them.
     
  19. lottaotter

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    This time I will tell the doctor even about the 'messy' stuff like my plan and the cutting. Maybe that will get the message across.

    I just need a break. I have hope I could get better if only I had a break. But a break ain't gonna come. There is a lot to do at work and at home too, all without help. Ignored and taken for granted. I have to run around cleaning up and organising and reminding everyone of their responsibilities and then rushing in to help when they don't do it/don't show up. I'm fucking fed up.

    But if I ever say I want to take a break and for example not socialise tonight oh boy there is hell to pay- people get angry quickly. No rest for me, I have to live my life fulfilling the 'needs' of others. I am fed up with that. Why do I have to be their mommy all the time, holding their hands through life?

    I have hope that I CAN feel better but I just need a break to gathet my
     
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  20. Rayland

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    It feels like I wrote those words, this is what I'm dealing with at home, but sometimes you do have to put your foot down and divide the chores between you all. If they don't clean up, it's on them. Just leave it.
     
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