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I disgust myself

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by Bludzee, Dec 3, 2022.

  1. Bludzee

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    It's been few mounth I felt this way but I didn't talk about it before. But right now it's becoming worst.
    Since (at least) february, I'm in love with one of my close friend and I'm really guilty about this. I don't want this, and I never did. I want this to stop. I'm tired of thinking of cheesy thing. I'm affraid to waste our friendship. If I loose her because of this, I'll never forgive me. When I feel actual atraction toward her, I disgust myself so much I want to throw up. Few times, I do throw up. Usually I just punch myself.
    I'm becoming a bad version of myself. I'm jealous, I'm bitter, stupid, cheesy, boring, I basically become everything I have always hate about love story. I put my friendship in danger it's awful.
    I feel like I don't deserve to live, and I know I shouldn't feel this way. I tried to talk to my therapist but I'm not brave enough for this. It's hard to confrnt every single things I hate about me. I also become self-centered. I care less about my close one, I don't help and confort correctly my friends when they have troubles because I'm too occupied with mine. I'm not a good friend.
    Some day I just want to destroy my brain. I feel so guilty about this, I need a person to blame.
    I don't even know if I expect advice or not, I just need to vent without overwhelming people around me.
     
  2. quebec

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    Bludzee.....Empty Closets is a place where you can vent! So if you still need to vent so more...go for it! :old_smile: Seriously, though...depression caused by this attraction is hurting you. That depression is hanging on to you because you are hanging on to the secret that you are attracted to your friend. The only way to put a stop to the depression is to "kill" the secret. That means you have to tell the secret to someone so that it isn't a secret anymore. I know you said that you aren't brave enough to tell your therapist, but I really do think that is what you need to do. That's one of the things therapists are there for. When you tell your therapist the secret you will be on the road to the end of the depression. I kept the secret that I am gay for many years and it almost destroyed me. The only way that I was able to heal the terrible depression that I was suffering from was to tell my secret to one and then another. I only told a few, but it was enough. That started me on the path to ending the depression...and it actually happened quite quickly! Please consider this. Don't forget that you are part of our LGBTQ Family and we do care!
    .....David :gay_pride_flag:
     
    #2 quebec, Dec 3, 2022
    Last edited: Dec 3, 2022
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  3. Bludzee

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    I’ve already talk to friend, kind of. I haven’t told them how I feel bad but they know the core of the story.
     
  4. BocciBee

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    There is nothing wrong with being in love with your friend. It happens to people all around the world every day. You are not a bad person for it at all. I think it's important you have someone tell you this. You are not bad. Being in love is not bad. There is nothing to be ashamed of.
     
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  5. Bludzee

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    Thank you very much, really.
     
  6. BiGemini87

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    I'm so sorry you're struggling with this. It's bad enough when other people express intolerance or disgust towards same-sex attraction, but when we punish ourselves for it, it's infinitely worse. You are not a bad person for having feelings for your friend, nor for being focused on your problems. It sounds like you're normally the type to be there for people, no matter what they're going through--but we can't draw water from a dry well, and right now, in the midst of your own problems, your well is dry. That's okay; you can't be 100% on all the time. We all need time to rest, to look inward, to heal from our own wounds and traumas.

    Difficult as it may be, I agree that you need to talk to your therapist. They are there to help you, and the only way they can do that is if you're honest with them. Holding on to a secret like this--especially one with this much weight--can have a negative impact on you, both mind and body. If you still can't tell your therapist right away, perhaps you can keep a journal where you can write down all of your thoughts and feelings, something no one else will see unless you want them to. Sometimes, merely expressing some of what we're feeling can make a big difference in how we feel.
     
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  7. Bludzee

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    Thanks for your answer. It made me feel better. You must be right but I'll need time to really apply your advice.
    I already have a journal (kind of) for few month. It help first but it was temporary.
    As say before, I have tried multiple time to talk to my therapist. Actually, I have mention my love once but never say how it affect me and it was just before the end and I kind of ran away and never talk of it again. I see them next week. I'll try to talk about that.
     
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  8. Bludzee

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    I just come back from my therapist. I couldn't say anything. I tried, really, but I can't. I don't understand why.