I can't figure out whether I'm a lesbian or bisexual. Please help! I need a second opinion.

I'm not certain whether I'm lesbian or bisexual, and I really need a second opinion! I feel like I've gone the farthest I can possibly go through only self-analysis, rumination and obsessive chronicling.

Okay, I guess I should get one thing out of the way first: I don't want to be bisexual. The possibility that I am makes me upset. There was never really any one moment (at least in the last couple of years) during which I wished I was bisexual. Basically, I want to be a lesbian, and I hope I am one. But I don't know if I am.

I've never been in a relationship with a man or a woman, but I have rejected the advances of three people. Two of them were women, one of them inadvertently (and we'll get into that in a moment), and the other was a man.

Okay, so I'll call this man Brandon (for confidentiality's sake). Basically, it was pretty well known he liked me, my friends frequently mentioned it, and finally this all coalesced in him asking me to a school event via text. As soon as I saw the text, I felt dread, but I immediately knew that I would reject him. There was no chance of me accepting the invitation. I sent a very polite rejection (something along the lines of, 'I'm going to the event, but not with you' except with a lot more placating comments such as 'I'm sure you'll find someone' and 'you're very nice' and 'I hope we can be friends'.)

That was the end of that. Actually, I can't even remember if he responded...I think he might not have. But anyhow, I wasn't particularly attracted to Brandon, but neither was I repulsed by him. I thought his face was kind of 'eh' and I didn't know much about his personality, but he seemed fine, not vile. Our circles were kind of peripheral, without much interaction. It was, however, gratifying that someone liked me.

The other person I rejected was my close female friend, who looking back, I may have had a crush on without realizing. (I didn't consciously notice any crushes on women until a year ago, but if I analyze the way I felt towards the girls around me growing up, I think I may have had multiple crushes without realizing it.) I didn't think that I felt any feelings towards her besides friendship, and that was basically it.

The third person I rejected was a girl who asked me if I listened to girl in red, and when I said no, she played the song, “I wanna be your girlfriend”. I was profoundly mortified (but in a flattered way), my heart started beating a million times per second, I probably started flushing, but I thought I was imagining things and being egotistical, thinking she liked me, of all people, and basically nothing happened. Looking back, I definitely had a crush on her. I thought she was attractive and very nice and loved greeting her in the halls. It's a little embarrassing in hindsight. I also now know that “do you listen to girl in red” is a lesbian code phrase for “do you like women?” There are several other factors that make me certain she liked me (I knew she was pansexual, or bi, can't remember which), but it's not really relevant. Let's move on.

I just reread what I wrote, and I don't feel I've conveyed what I was like during these years. Basically, I had no interest in romance whatsoever. I read plenty of books with romance (but usually a lot more melodrama, I'm speaking of depressing mental health YA fiction predominantly), but while I enjoyed it, and the romanticized depictions were kind of appealing, I wasn't actually interested in dating anyone at my school, in real life. A lot of my friends started getting in romantic relationships, and I kind of viewed it with a sort of horrified fascination...Horrified might be a strong word, though.

So, a couple years ago is when I'd started questioning my sexuality. (For a timeline, let me just say that I've been questioning for five years now, approximately). But it wasn't super important to me. I viewed it as an abstract kind of thought experiment. I thought it would be very interesting and cool if I wasn't heterosexual, but I didn't think it was that likely; not because of any fact of my own behavior, but because I was too ordinary. Rather, I wasn't special enough to be different from the majority, from the herd, so there was no way I could be anything other than heterosexual, even though the idea appealed to me.

I didn't really ever think about whether I wasn't straight when I was physically at school. Mostly, it happened when I was at home, journaling and ruminating. And let me tell you, I took a lot of 'Am I gay' quizzes back then.

So, for a couple of years, my sexuality really wasn't a priority issue in my mind. I thought to myself that it would be years before I dated anyone anyway, so why should I worry about it then. I had maybe 2 and ½ crushes on boys in the span of three years, but they weren't serious whatsoever, and looking back, I can't tell whether they were manifestations of some sort of ingrained compulsory heterosexuality or were real. I'll explain them, and you tell me:

1.
The first, who we'll call Adam, was a boy I liked purely for visual reasons. My primary feelings toward him were anger, but I thought he was the most visually appealing boy in the school. (I also thought that there was an incredible dearth of attractive boys at school, and I wondered whether that would change in a few years or not. It was actually a very shocking observation to me, and I rationalized the overwhelming quantity of pretty girls in comparison to so few attractive guys as being due to guys taking little care with their appearance, while girls tend to put more effort in.) He had very nice hair, a very nice face, and a kind of raspy voice that I liked. The few times I had to pass him in the hall, I felt like I didn't know how to walk and felt intensely self conscious. But I never, ever, ever had any intention to or desire to talk to him, interact with him, or bring myself to his attention, much less to date him. In fact, I remember thinking that, as a member of the more popular squad of kids in our school, he was kind of an asshole, arrogant, etc. Adam and I never had any face to face interactions whatsoever, and I think we only had a couple classes together, in which our seating arrangements were never very close. Within a few months, I was mostly over this 'crush', and while I still found him visually appealing, I just didn't think about him very often. Actually, I don't think I really thought about him that much in the first place, but because people often talked about 'crushes', when that word came to mind, I associated with him. So, that was the deal with Adam.

2.
Next we have Sebastian. (Again, not his real name.) Actually, I didn't find Sebastian physically attractive. Can you have a crush on someone without finding them physically attractive? I don't know. (I do know that the girls I've had crushes on I've all found beautiful.) But what appealed to me about Sebastian was basically what kind of person he was, what he did. I'd had a few interactions with him because he was friends with a close female friend of mine, and also before school started we hung around in the same area. Plus, we both spent a lot of time reading. I saw him the most before school, during which we both sat in the hallway reading books because we were quite early. I can't remember exactly what books he read – I don't think there was any one specific book that I saw him reading that I also liked – but I'm guessing he read a lot fantasy and sci-fi. Sebastian was very tall, and I suppose he was...distinct. A very tall bookworm. I don't even know how I decided what I felt towards him was a crush, but in my memory, it is that, and I said it to one of my friends at one point in time.

I can't remember whether I felt very nervous in his presence...I assume I must have, at least a little, but a fact you should know is that I feel very nervous in the presence of all men, and I think I have at times misinterpreted that anxiety as butterflies. But, what separates that anxiety from butterflies is the fact that whenever I feel the anxiety, the only thing I wish for is to get away from the man and to not have to interact with him, be close with him, see him, etc. At any point, I think I liked Sebastian for a longer period of time than I did Adam, and I might have interacted with him while I had a crush on him...I don't know. But I never had any intention of pursuing anything with him, I didn't find him physically attractive (not even his voice – I just thought of him, in terms of appearance, as pretty average), and I actually didn't tell anyone of my 'crush' on him. I said I told one friend, but that's kind of a misnomer: I told my friend who moved to the other side of the country, via email, with a fake name. (Paranoid much?) I also got over this within some amount of months, I really can't remember, but I suppose what attracted me to Sebastian was that he was quiet and introverted, like me, and he really liked to read books, like me. Was this a crush?

3.
The third and final boy I would say I had a crush on was a boy named Brendan. We were in an extracurricular together outside of school for a couple years before I developed any 'feelings' for him. I remember he approached me in the halls once, to say hi (because we'd joined the same activity outside school and he was presumably surprised to see me there) and I responded pretty coldly, a common attitude towards boys I had then. And kinda still have. (It's mostly instinct, plus fear/anxiety, plus a vague dislike. I don't know.) We didn't really interact at school outside of that, but after a few years, I found myself thinking I had a crush on Brendan. And, unlike the other two 'crushes', this one had a few points that may have given it legitimacy: I liked Brendan's personality, and there were qualities of his appearance I found attractive. But it's a bit more complicated.

I certainly did not find him sexually attractive, but I liked his dimples. I did and still do find dimples very cute on men and women. So, when he smiled, which was pretty often (he was cheerful), I remember finding it appealing. I also liked the sound of his voice. Again, I thought it was very pleasant, and he always sounded quite happy. But! And here's the but: I wouldn't say I found him attractive as a whole...I mean, I wouldn't have considered him 'handsome.' I could afford him 'cute', but not 'handsome' and not really even 'attractive.' He was boyish looking, I guess. I do remember wanting him to like me, but I never made any overtures towards him, and while I wanted him to like me, I did not specifically want to date him. I also didn't tell any of my friends of my 'crush', until I was kind of forced when they learned I had one on someone and I gave up out of frustration at how persistent they were being. At one point, my mom asked me whether I had a crush on him, because he was the only boy my age in the extracurricular we were in. I adamantly said no. My crush eventually dissipated just because I never saw him anymore because I stopped going to the extracurricular and stopped really thinking about him.

By now, this was a few years ago. I haven't had a crush on any boy since then (just because of scarcity of interaction; I don't go to a public school anymore, and for a while, because of COVID, things were online and no one turned on their cameras), but I have had a crush on a girl. And I was very shocked by how different the experience was to my 'crushes' on guys. Because of the nature of how I met her, we interacted pretty often, and while I always felt very anxious around her, I never wanted to leave her presence. In fact, I really, really wanted her to like me, and I was always embarrassed by the way I acted around her, but I didn't hate being around her or want to leave because of my anxiety. I also thought about her a lot, had some delusions that she liked me back and really, desperately hoped they were true (which has never happened with my crushes on guys – I never felt any strong desire for them to like me back), and I had such difficulty with meeting her eyes. I also had (and still have) tremendous difficulty meeting guys' eyes, but it's different, because with her, I wanted to meet her eyes, or, I found it thrilling and terrifying, but with men, I hate it and it makes me think that they'll think I like them, and it scares me without any of the positive feelings.

I still do want guys to like me, though. Well, I want everyone to like me. I've always been a people-pleaser, a teacher's pet, someone who gets validation through academia. Just to give you some background.

Anyhow, the big question is, am I bisexual, or am I a lesbian? But I'm not done providing background, so keep reading, if you've made it this far.

I've had dreams about both men and women, but while my sexual dreams about women have involved women with both bodies, faces, and personalities (who I always miss when I wake up, or think back to longingly), my sexual dreams about men (of which there have only been 2 I distinctly remember) generally have a floating dildo, or, and this is quite more common, I'm not myself in the dream. I had one dream in which I was in a relationship with a man (not sexual – the dream itself was only romantic) who was a fictional character, and we were holding hands in a car casually. He rubbed my hand with his thumb, and that was basically the entire dream. But I wasn't myself. I was a separate character. I was also, and this is pretty important, a man in the dream. Not a woman. What does this even mean?

There's also a third category of dream with men that I had recently where I had a sexual dream involving a man, except in the dream, I didn't really enjoy it. It incited no passion in me. Basically, in my dream, there was this man who was quite obsessed with me, and I found him kind of pitiful. Eventually, after some period of time, I gave in through a feeling of charity and pity and gave him a handjob. He was sitting on a chair, I think, while I was standing. (Perhaps that means something – there was a kind of power disparity. He was in the more submissive, inferior position. He had no power over me.) He came within maybe three seconds, I thought it was pathetic, and then he started trying to kiss me. It was a disgusting, wet, sloppy kiss, and after a few seconds I noticed this awful, salty taste in his mouth, and I had to tell him to stop because he tasted foul and I couldn't bear it. That was the end of the dream. What do you think this means?

I also had another dream recently in which, after a culmination of events, I kissed a boy, and it was actually quite thrilling in my dream. Well, the leading up to it. When he touched my knee, it felt like a shock (you know, the whole romance book cliche.) But after a minute or two of kissing, I got kind of bored and pulled away. It was nice, but not altogether as thrilling as the leading up to it had been, and I kind of wanted to do other things. That was the dream.

In terms of women, I am physically, spiritually, emotionally attracted to them. That is not the issue. I just can't determine whether I am attracted to men.

One issue is that I find quite a few fictional men appealing. But I don't have any celebrity crushes, actor crushes, etc; actually, my true fictional crushes are all on animated men or men from books. But if I actually have to see the stubble on their face, the physicality of their bodies, then I can't have a crush on them. I do find a lot of men on Pinterest attractive, but they're generally all very effeminate men, and while I like looking at them a lot, when I actually imagine being in a sexual situation with one, the idea is profoundly unappealing. But let me expand on that – it's more like, the thought of being vulnerable sexually to a man is unappealing, but it's not as unappealing to imagine having a man being vulnerable to me. The idea of a man fucking me is profoundly unappealing; less appealing is the idea of me fucking a man. But I can't figure out whether this is an actual manifestation of bisexuality, or if it's just a manifestation of my feminism, of me not wanting to be the slab of meat for some man to fuck.

In terms of imagining a relationship with a man, my initial reaction, before any complicated thinking, is one of instant repulsion. I don't want to be with a man. I want to be a lesbian. I hope I am a lesbian. But when I start thinking of it, start imagining these scenarios, like a man holding my hand and petting my hair, being tender with me, the idea is very nice. But is that just me wanting tenderness from another human? Because I can imagine a relationship with a man, I can envision me somehow making it work, but the idea makes me angry. It makes me really angry. It feels like a concession. It feels like a failure. It feels like giving up. It feels like giving in to the heterosexual expectations of my parents and the heterosexual expectations of the world.

So, am I a lesbian?

One other thing I feel I should add is that through all five years of questioning my sexuality, I didn't really staunchly believe I could be anything other than straight seriously until a couple years ago. I thought about it a lot, definitely way more than any real straight person would, but I thought I wasn't special enough. And the labels I did consider were always “pansexual” or “bisexual”. I never really thought I could possibly be lesbian until, well, a year ago, but even then I thought it was unlikely. It was too...solid a stance, too incredibly different from heterosexuality. I thought it was really cool, because it was the opposite of the “norm”, it was the sexuality of someone totally separate from boring old heterosexuality, but I didn't think I could be it. And if I ever came out as it, what if I changed my mind? What if I ended up dating some guy and I had to rescind it? The idea frustrated me. And it still does. One of the core reasons I don't want to come out as a lesbian (if I become convinced 100% that I am one) is because there's this possibility that a very nice, attractive guy will come along, and suddenly we'll be dating, and I'll have to be like, “Oh, no, never-mind, I'm bisexual.” And to my parents, it'll basically be like being straight...It won't count. I'd be with a man. Ergo, hetero. (Just so you know, neither are homophobic. Actually, I am extremely fortunate in that they have said they'll love me no matter who I date. But they are very heterosexual, and that is their reality, their norm. They have some ways of viewing gay people that are kind of...biased. I don't know.)

I could go on and on even more, expanding upon my growing up and everything, but I feel like I should stop now. Any further information would just complicate things beyond what's necessary. Please help me, though. I really would like a second opinion. Am I bi? Am I a lesbian? (Please tell me it's the second.) (Also, is my desire to not be bisexual biphobia? I don't think so, because I have no issue with other people being bisexual. Other people's sexualities really doesn't affect me. But...urgh. Please help.)

 

Thank you so, so much for replying! I understand that the only one who can reach a final conclusion on this topic is me - no one else can really, irrevocably determine my sexuality, when you get down to it - but your response was really helpful, and what you said makes a lot of sense. To be honest, both of your impressions strike me as possible; me as a lesbian or me as bisexual but with a lot of internalized biphobia. I just really wish I knew which one it is...but I guess that'll come with time. It'll probably help to get into an actual relationship with someone. In any case, at present, I'd say I'm leaning more toward the lesbian identity as being more likely as to who I am, and your comment that it'd be safe for me to use the lesbian label is really comforting. I feel a lot better...Still confused, but less agitated, haha. I don't really have any friends who I can talk about LGBT issues with (I'm not out to anyone, basically, although I've been getting the impression my brother and mom might have suspicions), so I guess all this stuff gets kind of bottled-up. I hope you have a great day!