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I broke my BF's heart...my struggle to be a better human being

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by JToivonen, Jan 12, 2021.

  1. JToivonen

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    Well, here I am again. It's been a while...

    Some of you might remember me...perhaps. Anyway, I'll try to make my story is short as possible (even though I know I won't be able to do that).

    Oh, before I start, just a little disclaimer: I'm not, in any way whatsoever, justifying what I did. I made a huge mistake. I'm the wrong side, he's the victim.

    What I'm truly looking for here is help. Help to be a better person. I'm sick and tired of hurting others. It's a burden, really. I'm not one of those toxic people who go hurting others, acting as they please, with no concern of other's feelings. (even though he now believes I am just that). I know I'm not like that.

    But I'm so addicted to porn and seeing beautiful guys online that it undermines any relationship I get into. It happened once and now it happened again.

    I'll try to break this story into smaller posts, so I'll keep writing below.
     
    #1 JToivonen, Jan 12, 2021
    Last edited: Jan 12, 2021
  2. JToivonen

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    So here it goes.

    I was married to a woman. I had a daughter. I could no longer hide who I really was and we separated. It was hurtful, painful, filled me with guilt. She went to live in a distant town and it's been more than a year since I held my daughter in my arms for the last time.

    My ex was a terrific woman, best wife a guy could ever dream of having. She was beautiful, loyal, she was good company. And she loved me, deeply. And I loved everything about her, but I wasn't true to her, since I had my secret urges. I was drawn to guys. So I always watched gay porn, I always had fake accounts on social media to follow and see the guys I found attractive. It'd started way before she came into my life, I was a single teenager/young adult when it all started. Still, when we started dating I always knew it had to stop. But I just couldn't. I thought it would end once we got married and started having an active sexual live (as conservative christians, we were both virgins when we married). It never stopped. The pressure kept growing inside of me, I got into a depression, decided that I needed to go out and try...see what it was like, being with another guys. So yes, I cheated. More than once. And hated it. That was not who I was, it went against all my principles. I stopped the cheating and we parted ways.

    No need to say she was devastated. Destroyed. Heart broken. And I was destroyed as well.

    I said to myself that, next time, I'd do things differently. I wanted to be a better person, I wanted to be different. I never wanted to cause the harm I did to my wife. I truly wanted to be different and I meant it.

    Problem is: I couldn't.
     
  3. JToivonen

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    The post above is known to some people here, or it's very similar to other's struggle.

    Here comes the brand new information.

    So one of the guys I met when I had my experiences was wonderful. Actually he was my first. He's handsome and he has the greatest heart. We fell for each other, but after two brief encounters, we decided we couldn't see each other again. It was wrong, both of us were feeling intensively guilty. So we parted ways.

    When I separated, I looked for him. We talked and I showed to him that, even though I cheated once, I'd never do that again. And, to tell you the truth, I really didn't. Never cheated on him, never talked to anyone with second intentions, no texting, no sending nor receiving hot pics. This I really didn't do, nor planned to.

    So what did I do wrong? My compulsion. Porn and seeing guys online. I didn't interact with them...I mean, at first I did liked some pics or RT them, but that was all. I'm not saying it was wrong, all I'm doing now is explaining what I did and making clear what I didn't.

    He knew I enjoyed porn. And he was okay with that, at first. But I wasn't. Still I just couldn't stop. It was shameful, it was an embarassment, it made me feel guilty. So guilty that I couldn't be honest with him. Once again, my addiction was silently taking its toll, undermining me and my confindence.

    But it got worse.
     
  4. JToivonen

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    Just to remind you again: none of this is a way for me to seek validation. I want to make clear what I did, what I didn't and how it had an impact on me in on my relationship. For me to get the help I want and need, I have to be true to myself first and then to anyone who might have the endurance to read this thread.

    Well, back in March 2020 he found out about me logging into my fake accounts and liking and RTing pics or vids. Honestly, it was part of my compulsion (on a note site: "collecting" things online is a sort of a habit for me. I do that everywhere, even in my real accounts. Everytime I see an image I somehow enjoy, I hit the like button, save it and/or RT it), it really didn't mean anything. And, again, I didn't talk to anyone, I didn't go sexting. It was meaningless in the sense it was just a reflex of my addiction, it was compulsive. But it was wrong and I hurt his feelings.

    I tried to explain this to him and he believed me. But he had certain conditions: I should never see porn again or log into my fake accounts. And if I ever had the slightest desire of doing that - or if I failed to tell him - I should talk to him. 100% transparency, that's how it should have worked. And it worked for a while.

    Just to make things clear: I never got into my accounts again, not even to delete them. They're just there, abandoned. But after some time I saw porn again. Even before I seeing it, I started to have urges to see it again...so what was I supposed to do? Tell him? I mean, that was exactly what I had to do, but I feared how he'd react and how it'd ruin what we had...how many times would I have to tell him that? I felt guilty and anxious, which only made things worse. And in the times I saw something, the guilt increased, I felt like garbage.

    But none of this matters. I made a promise I couldn't keep it.

    The final nail in the coffin happened now when, for some shitty, stupid reason, I got into that hookup app, the one with the yellow mask. Honestly, I did it out of curiosity and compulsive behaviour. I had no intentions to interact, which I didn't. I didn't post any photos. The last time I'd logged into the app was in December 2019, because I wanted to vent. The "about me" session was still the same: I wasn't there to hook up, I just was there because I was feeling shitty about myself.

    He found out about me because, in the end, he'd always had suspicions about me, which I understand. He constantly checked on me, so from time to time he'd download the app to see if I was on (since we met first on the app, he favorited me so he never lost track on me). So when he realized I had logged in, it destroyed him. He confronted me and, out of fear, shame and guilt, I denied...I even swore on my daughter's life (this is something that makes me sick...it makes me wanting to end my life right now, it was just SO REPULSIVE). you can banter me for that. I'm a hateful person.

    No need to say we're over. He can't stand this anymore even though he says he still loves me - unfortunetaly, according to his own words.

    Contrary to what some (or all) of you reading, I wasn't okay with that. What I did made me feel sick about myself. I truly hated myself, for everything. Goooosh...I told, I promised myself I'd do things diffenrently this time. And, once again, I hurt the person I love the most. I destroyed him, crushed his heart, his mental health is gone - to add insult to injury, it's been a particularly tough time for him and I was the one who represented something good in his life. Same thing my than wife told me when we were separating...

    When I said that I wanted to be a better person, I meant it. Problem was that I didn't know how to battle my addiciton, which in turn led to awful consequences.

    So I decided to do the one last correct thing to do: to admit that I logged into my old account and ask for forgiveness. I didn't ask this because I want to be with him again (even though that's what I want....I miss him dearly). I don't deserve him, quite frankly, he's too perfect to me. I have my own issues to fix.
     
  5. JToivonen

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    So to finish this long story:

    I asked him for forgiveness not because I want him back (although I do want him back), but because I want to correct my wrongs.

    At the same time, I decided that I need to be alone for some time. Before I enter into a new relationship (I sincerely doubt I could have him back some day), I have to solve my problems, my compulsion, my addiction. I'm a broken toy who needs fixing.

    I made two victims...two people that I loved deeply are now seriously hurt. All of this because of my inability to handle my weakness.

    While we were talking the last time, he accused me of thing which I didn't do. But it doesn't matter that I didn't cheated on him in the literal sense. I broke a promise, I betrayed his confidence. And I lost him for good.

    I truly want to learn from my mistakes, I truly want to learn my lesson. I truly want to be different.But he says he heard it before, that's why he doesn't believe me. I can't blame him.

    I can't erase what I did, but I know I don't wanna do it anymore.

    But...how can I fix it? How can I truly avoid not falling into this trap? Gosh, I don't wanna make another victim!

    How can I stop being a wrong-doer?

    So, banter me as much as you want, I know I deserve it. All I'm asking is help.

    I want to stop being dominated by my urges, so, please, help me. Any advice will be very much welcomed!

    Thanks for enduring this long story.
     
    #5 JToivonen, Jan 12, 2021
    Last edited: Jan 12, 2021
  6. old tacoma

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    You wrote a lot. As I was reading, two phrases stand out — “conservative christians” and “wrong-doer”. I will not banter with you. Because, in our own ways, each of us knows we come up short of our own and others’ expectations. Hence, the power of forgiveness —the ability to accept ourselves as we are, and to forgive. Sometimes it helps to remind ourselves “Always we begin again.” Sounds kind of trite, I know, but down deep, it really is true. For every time we fall, we pick ourselves up and begin again.
     
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  7. bluehorizon

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    "No porn ever" is a boundary begging to be broken. He shouldn't have asked it of you, and you shouldn't have agreed.
    Have the two of you considered joint counselling?
     
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  8. JToivonen

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    No, we haven't. He's not out, so it made things a tad difficult.
     
  9. JToivonen

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    Sorry about that

    That's what I want to do, begin again. This time stronger, so I can face my fears and not fall again. And each time I begin again, I do it as a better person, compared to what I was before.

    I own him that. I own myself that.

    And yes, forgiving myself takes a lot of effort. It's very easy, for me, to forgive others but extremely hard when it comes to forgiving my own short comings. There's always this voice in my head saying that trying to forgive myself is the same thing as trying to do wrong and get away with it. I know it isn't but it's sometimes I struggle with. I know I'll only be able to make the right choices if I'm healed.
     
  10. JToivonen

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    The secrecy of it all was the poison that kills us, I consider now. It took its toll....it just reminded of sentence I was today, which goes like "if you're doing it in secrecy, than it's wrong"". Wow, this is obvious! Why couldn't I remember that
     
  11. justaguyinsf

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    It sounds like you have emotional needs that aren't being met ... not necessarily emotional needs from your (current?) boyfriend, but a need to heal your own bad feelings about yourself, which is a major theme in what you write. It sounds like you reach for porn or hook-up apps to take away your bad feelings about yourself. So I would first start practicing self-forgiveness and maybe use your religious faith in this regard. After all, the main message in Christianity is forgiveness. Going to Sex Addicts Anonymous may also help, as you'll meet other people who struggle with compulsive behavior and feelings of loneliness and lack of self-worth. I also agree with an earlier post that a 100% no-porn policy is unrealistic ... why couldn't you and your boyfriend enjoy porn together? Hope that helps!
     
  12. JToivonen

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    Unfortunately he's not anymore...

    Yes, I do have emotional needs, but it has/had nothing to do with him. After the last session of therapy - after the breaking - I realised I've been carrying so much guilt that it is/was holding my back big time. I was (still am) drowning in this pool of bad feelings, guilty for the past, anxious about the future, which led me to be even more guilty...and I just couldn't tell him everything I was going through, even though he made very clear, many many times, he'd be open to help me. But I was scared stiff and shameful. You have no idea how much I regret it now...
    I guess it was also a form of self-sabotage...I have this pattern.
    That's what I'm trying to do, together with therapy, some mediation and trying to be around my friends, so anxiety won't eat me alive. But there's this voice in my mind pointing fingers at me, saying that I'm doing it to get away with my responsibility, which is sooo not true.

    Me and him at least keep in touch. He didn't block me, hopefully he won't. He's still angry at me, which I understand, I let him down when he most needed me. But he still loves me, that's what he said. Yesterday we talked a lot and most of the time the conversation was amicable. He not only asked questions about my life (not in a investigative manner, but like taking interest in how I was) but also he, voluntarily, told me things about his. The conversation didn't end well though
     
  13. johndeere3020

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    For those who believe,

    When that Roman soldier threw the spear everything changed. Correct? Through that one act we can be forgiven. Correct? What right do we have not to forgive ourselves? Shame and guilt are powerful emotions. Make sure and be completely open with your therapist. Be proactive and do the work. Its ok for tears to fall. It is not a sign of weakness, only a side affect of healing a broken spirit.
     
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