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I’ve just realised I’m gay

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by poohbearxo, Dec 24, 2020.

  1. poohbearxo

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    I’m posting here because there’s no one I can talk about this issue with, and I’m feeling really emotional. I’m a female, 22, in a LTR and only realised just now that I’m massively gay. It has always been in the back of my mind, and something throughout the years I’ve pushed away due to being scared. I had my first girlfriend when I was 15, and I realised then I wasn’t straight, but the feelings I had for her scared me and made me panic, so back into the closet I went. It was also then when I tried to turn myself straight and thought if I had a boyfriend I would ‘balance my sexuality’ and magically become straight. It is that boyfriend I am still with, and I love him, and he is my best friend, but I’m so incredibly gay.

    I met a girl at work a few months back, and she is the reason I now know that I’m absolutely and definitely gay, not bisexual as I once thought. She made me question it all. Since the first time I laid my eyes on her, I was in love. She is everything perfect and every time I see her I’m more and more in awe of how perfect someone can be. She drives me mad! However, due to some shitty circumstances I’m leaving my job in a few weeks, and the only thing I’m sad about is her. I won’t get to see her lovely face every day and talk to her. She doesn’t know my feelings, but I think she can have a good guess. We talk sometimes on social media, and I have hinted loads that I’m not straight, but unfortunately she has a girlfriend. :frowning2:

    For the past few weeks I’ve been battling in my head whether I’m bisexual or gay, and whenever I would think about it, some part of my brain would literally not let me think about it. Now I’ve realised it’s the stress of it all and the fact I don’t want to accept that I’m a lesbian. My whole world is going to change. I’m stressed out because I love my boyfriend so so much, I want to be with him forever, as a friend. I’m stressed out because we are soon to buy a house together, and I want that so badly, but I want to be with him as a friend. I don’t want to hurt him. I wish I could have realised my sexuality years ago.

    I really really don’t know what to do. Half of me wants to bury my head in the sand and ignore it, and hope that when I move jobs my gayness will disappear. I wish I could just ignore it and live a straight, stress free and simple life. The other half of me is wishing I had the courage to be myself, fully. But I know I will lose my boyfriend in the process. I still live with my family too and they are very homophobic so I know coming out to them at the moment isn’t the best idea. I just really dont want to hurt my boyfriend. He is the best person I’ve ever met and he doesn’t deserve the shit I’ve put him through the past few years all to come and say, sorry I’m Gay. I’m getting very emotional just thinking about it. I really don’t know what to do!
     
    #1 poohbearxo, Dec 24, 2020
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 24, 2020
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  2. TheJack

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    If you're buying a house with this guy in the foreseeable future, I say break it off quick. Buying a house would be the ultimate commitment. Your world will change, but don't look at it as negative. You like who you like, and there's nothing anybody can do with that. I say you should probably keep your secret from your parents until you've moved out on your own.

    You'll figure it out, everyone always does in the end.
     
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  3. QuietPeace

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    I am sorry that you find yourself seemingly backed into a corner. I have been in a situation that is somewhat similar and I know that it is difficult and that is feels that there is no way out.

    You say that you are now sure that you are not straight and very possibly are not even bisexual. You say that you do not want to hurt your boyfriend. At this point it is not really a choice of not hurting him but of minimizing the amount of hurt. To stay in your current relationship and even make further commitments (as buying a house would be) is only going to make the situation more difficult. The longer you stay in it the harder it will be to extricate yourself and the more hurt it will cause everyone in the end. I tried to live in the closet and it was a disaster, it only hurt everyone involved more than simply walking away at the beginning would have been. I think that your safest option will be to be honest with him. If being open with your family could endanger you then waiting on telling them until after you have a place of your own is probably best.

    I hope that you are able to find some peace.
     
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  4. poohbearxo

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    Thanks for the reply!

    I understand that the sooner I do it, the easier it’ll be on everyone, but I don’t know when the best time is. I feel like I need a few months to get my head over it all and to accept it myself first, before coming out to anyone else. If that means pushing back the date we originally planned to buy a house, then that’s what I’ll do. I just need to know and to feel comfortable completely in myself first. My boyfriend has quite bad self-esteem issues, and has always had this belief that I’m too good for him and that I’ll leave him for someone else, and I don’t think he’ll take the news well whatsoever, I am worried he would do something stupid. I’m not sure when the time comes to to tell him the truth that I’m gay, or simply to say I’m not in love with him anymore, or something along those lines.

    I just feel an immense guilt because I love him so much, he’s my world and my best friend for the past decade, and I know I’m going to hurt him badly.
     
  5. Noval

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    I know it's hard but he is your best friend and "boyfriend", he deserves to know the truth, don't lie to him.
     
    #5 Noval, Dec 24, 2020
    Last edited: Dec 24, 2020
  6. QuietPeace

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    Your only responsibility here for his health is to not be cruel about it (I have had people be cruel during the relationship and in leaving). Telling him the truth in a caring way is the best, you are not leaving him for anyone in particular you are leaving the relationship because it does not work for you.
     
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