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I’m convinced I’m straight, but still questioning and it’s bugging me

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by jjusa, Jul 30, 2021.

  1. GrumpyOldLady

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    I used to repress it or avoid it entirely so yes, it's partially a matter of admitting it to myself, but it's also allowing myself to think about it and work through it.

    I haven't had a real female friend for many years because I was afraid of getting too close; in the past I would channel any feelings into an obsession with something else to avoid facing any feelings that came up. Even with my recent crush I did the same thing at first, I channeled it into an obsession with a mutual activity until I couldn't deny what was happening because I almost lost the friendship. That's when I finally admitted to myself that I had strong feelings for her and just allowed myself to feel those feelings so I could work through them.

    There's nothing wrong with not wanting a relationship, not everyone enjoys sharing their life with another person. Being in a relationship doesn't necessarily mean it has to be forever, though. I spent way too much time worrying about finding "the one" when I was younger to enjoy the freedom of being young and single so I'd say sometimes the best thing is just to take things as they come and enjoy the moment.
     
  2. jjusa

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    Same, though it’s because all my female friendships have been toxic.

    I’m sorry. That sounds complicated. Are you still friends with her? How did you allow yourself to feel your feelings?

    Yeah, it’s a lot of pressure to put on oneself. I do a lot of mindless activities and become obsessed with them sometimes so I don’t have to think about relationships and marriage. At the same time though, I don’t pursue these things. I do a lot of these mindless activities to enjoy the present moment, like binge watching a TV show. All I know is being single so relationships feel like a pipe dream.
     
  3. GrumpyOldLady

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    I am still friends with her but it was pretty complicated for a while and still is to a certain extent. I was crushing on her for quite some time without acknowledging it until it started to affect our friendship and it became pretty obvious to me that my feelings went way beyond that, I had all the signs of a serious crush including overthinking everything she said and getting jealous when she spent time with other people. So the first step was to acknowledge that the feelings were there and allow myself to feel them.

    In the next step I had to back off a little bit for a while, both to give her space and to figure out what I wanted out of the relationship. I value the friendship very much, the crush grew out of the close friendship we had and came unexpectedly so it was secondary to it. In the end I decided there were so many barriers to having a healthy romantic relationship with her that it was unlikely to work out whether she was interested or not so I decided it was better to let the crush and any expectations go before talking to her about it.

    I'm not going to lie, it was a painful process and I had to go through the stages of grief because I was letting go of something that I had become very attached to. I'm still working on acceptance but when it stopped being so painful I was able to talk to her about it and get some closure, luckily she is supportive and wants to remain friends. Things are still a little delicate between us but they've been much more relaxed since I told her and time will tell if we can maintain a real friendship or not. I still love her, the boundary between friendship love and romantic love is still a bit hazy but it's not quite as intense as before and it's easier to let go now.
     
  4. jjusa

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    Do you know if she is straight? Regardless, I think it takes a lot of strength to maintain a friendship if the friendship is still worthwhile.

    I've felt similarly with some people before. I started realizing that I have serious feelings for someone - at least something I can't ignore - when I left town because she had no interest in me, not even in being my friend. Well, she wasn't the only reason; I needed to go back home, but the situation was one motivating factor. I still have a hard time acknowledging the feelings because I've never been in this situation before and I don't understand it. I will still deny it was anything even though I just contradicted myself. Two years later and I still think of her. :frowning2:

    That's great that you got closure and she still wants to be friends. I realize that I never got any. I hope you are more at peace with yourself.
     
  5. GrumpyOldLady

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    It's actually irrelevant whether she is 100% straight or not, she told me she's not interested in a romantic relationship and I'm taking that statement at face value. Any other approach would be counterproductive to having a friendship with her because it would prevent me from gaining closure. Another factor is that there is little chance that we could have a healthy relationship for a variety of reasons so even if the feelings were reciprocated it would still be better not to pursue it.

    It took me a while to acknowledge the feelings because I didn't want to admit that I had them, when I finally acknowledged them they came at me full force which was quite a thing to deal with but it was necessary to feel them first before I could start letting go.

    If she didn't even want to be friends with you then that is a form of closure in itself, sometimes it's just not possible so you have to make your own closure.
     
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  6. jjusa

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    It'd good that you are looking out for yourself and what your needs are.

    And I need to accept that I may never have a healthy relationship with another women, as all of my previous ones have been toxic and unhealthy. It's clear as day that a relationship is just not meant for me. I don't even know if my feelings for her were romantic or not, but I guess that doesn't matter anymore.