We’re to start? I don’t know what I am looking for. advise maybe? Acknowledgement that I am not crazy?! Here is my story. Sorry it’s so long. On Monday night I found out my husband is cheating on me. But not in the typical way you’d expect. Yes there was sexting and videos. But here’s the rest of the story. The weekend before he went to a cabin with “the friends”. Or so he told me for weeks. Turns out it was a cabin to himself. To figure out his identity. See my husband thought he’d come back and tell me he’s a woman. But what he discovered was a past trauma he never dealt with and it’s so much more complicated. Let’s rewind for a second. Our relationship is strong, was, I suppose now. I never worried about either of us cheating. I know he loves me (he still does even now). There’s an ex girlfriend from high school he still randomly touches base with. Mostly emails. Never hid it from me and I don’t really care. We’ll see, she lost her husband a year ago to cancer. Tragic right?! So she reached out to him cuz he’s always battled depression and she wanted someone outside her peer group. Ok cool. I get it, he’s talking to help a friend. We even talked about what she’s going through. Again no one hiding anything. Somewhere along the line the conversations between them changed. He choose to disclose to her his feeling about identify issues. Because he didn’t know how to talk to me, his wife about it. Ok I can even get that too. Back to the cabin. He figures out trauma from his high school years were never dealt with. He split into different people back then. And he panicked, lost it, by himself in a cabin in the woods. Suicidal (not the first time) So he called HER. Instead of his wife. She drove 6 hours to see him. They were together for over 2 days together. Supposedly nothing physical happened. Mind you sexting and videos have been ongoing for weeks at this point. He’s now head over heals in love with her. They got matching tattoos. They cuddle and comforted each other. Now it’s Sunday and he comes home. (I’m still clueless) though I know something is “off”. He continues to tell me about his weekend with the guys. Explains the new tattoo as” for the dogs”. At this point he’s on his phone constantly. By Monday night I’ve checked his phone and found the text messages between the two of them. “I miss you holding you. Love you with all my heart. Can’t wait to talk to you. She (being me, his wife) is upstairs, call in an hour. “ There was of course a confrontation. I walked outta the house that night. The next day we talked. I’m being told he planned to tell me everything. That he was trying to figure out the words. He still loves me but is IN love with her. That he’s broken into different people. It was not done maliciously. None of it was planned. But does that even matter? Can someone love more than one person at a time? And can those other people accept that there’s someone else. How does one process all this. He cheated, he lied, he’s also not himself. He’s broken. His identify has fundamentally changed. And it’s all tied together into a massive knot and one can not be solved without the other unraveling. I know I should be angry, furious and I am. But I’m also sad and hurt and defeated. I’m mourning a relationship? Is that a thing people do, I don’t know. I don’t want it to be over. I can’t image a life without him in it. Even after everything I love the stupid man but this can’t be undone. I’m crying and pushing him away and missing him all at the same. I am supportive. I can accept gender fluid and he’s no longer a “him”. But I also know what he’s done is not ok. So here I am sitting and considering. The man I’ve loved my entire adult life. The man I moved to another country for. The man I’ve gone through hell and back for has shattered not just me but his own self too. At what point is it too much. I can’t find myself between all this confusion. What are the next step. How does one set detangle the web that has been spun. It’s all broken. He’s broken I’m broken. Our relationship is broken. There is SO much fucking healing that needs to happened. Will it all be done together. I simply don’t know. We’re both seaking help but seriously. Is this a gender issue or a relationship issue. Maybe it’s a mental health issue?? All of the above. Why am I posting here idk. Suppose I’m trying to see if from the other perspective. Coming out to a long time relationship can not be easy. But I don’t understand how this played out and I’m left gutted for now. I realize this is umm unusual and no one can speak to the specifics but if you have any thoughts ont his please do share cuz it’s hard to find the right forums to reach out in.
There is a lot here to unpack here and I don't have any answers for it. I'm sure that everyone will be able to contribute. I will say that grieving/grief would be the right words and a normal, healthy reaction as long as you don't get stuck there permanently.
Gothic2Black.....I am so sorry for what you are going through. I don't think anyone could understand how you are feeling... your emotions right now. People are...complicated. We care about you, and for that matter, we care about your husband too. Right now I know that we can give you a place to express what you are feeling so that you don't bottle it up inside. Perhaps we can do the same for your husband, if he cares to become a member and post a message to us, we'll do our best to listen to him also. I realize that this is quite soon after the incident, but finding a good therapist is going to be a very good idea. Please keep us updated on how this continues to work out...we really do want to help and support you in any way that we can. .....David
Hello, I’m glad you’ve reached out to us here. We can’t solve what is going on but we can certainly be there for you and help you deal with the issues that have arisen by offering you support. You’re not crazy that’s for sure. It sounds to me, that your husband has been dealing with the fact that he may be trans and has feelings as if he’s female. Whilst offering support to his past girlfriend, he’s offloaded his gender issue onto her and they’ve got closer. I’m going to refer to him as a him for the purpose of my reply since I’m not sure if he’s officially come out as a transwoman or not. I don’t want to confuse things. Now in my mind I wonder has she fallen in love with him as a woman. If so, this will have sent him high as a kite. If indeed he feels like he’s truly female, suddenly to be loved as a female by someone he was once in a relationship with, then that will have created all sorts of feelings for her. I have a suspicion (and I may be totally wrong) that he’s booked the cabin so they can go there together to try and see how they feel in person. Obviously they’ve confirmed they’re in love and they have seemingly had a ball together. I don’t believe nothing happened. If you’re sexting for a while and you’ve built up feelings then if you finally get to a place together alone then you’re going to be together in every way. I mean, if they’re close enough to be getting tattoos together then that’s kind of sealed the deal hasn't it? What he’s done is utterly wrong because he’s married to you. He should have discussed as his gender issues with you. He should have talked about what he wants next in his life. If he was getting feelings for this other woman he should have spoke to you about it all. Going to a cabin with her was wrong, getting tattoos with her is insensitive towards you and unfair. So you’re left dealing with the new information that your husband may wish to identify as female and also at the same time he’s having an affair with another woman. You ask is it a gender issue. Yes it possibly could be the fact that she’s loving him as a woman but without further information I don’t know. You ask is it a relationship issue and I’d say yes because he’s fallen in love with someone else. You ask is it a mental health issue. I don’t know if a mental health issue has caused your husband to fall in love with someone else or want to identify as female. But what I do know is in these circumstances, mental health is affected badly. For example you and your husband are both in turmoil over this. You also ask can someone love more than one person at the same time and I’ll answer yes to that question. Some people are polyamorous and do love more than one person at the same time and have a relationship with both. However, everyone has to be happy with that for it to work. I believe there are different types of love. He says he’s in love with her and that he loves you. The love he has for you is a very deep love, and I do believe he never wanted to hurt you. These situations arise in a lot of people’s marriage regardless of gender or sexuality. I don’t have a magic wand to wave to fix it all, and it’s something that can only be worked out by you and your husband. If he truly wants to save the marriage with you though and you want to continue as a monogamous couple then he’s going to have to end it with her and not be in contact again. Perhaps some marriage counselling would help if you’re both wanting to save your marriage. It all depends on where he wants to go with his relationship with the other woman. Only good communication will help from here on. He needs to be totally honest with you and Keep talking. I hope I’ve helped in some way. Others will help as well and put in their thoughts too. Please stay here and know that you’re not alone with this. I hope everything turns out for the best for all. He’s in turmoil as well as you. I’m glad you’ve offered him support. Maybe that will be a game changer for him, knowing that you will love him regardless of what gender he chooses to identify as.
