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How to tell fiance I'm trans?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Alek27, Oct 15, 2020.

  1. Alek27

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    So, I might need a little help from you guys...

    Short introduction: I realised that something's not ok with my gender about 10 years ago, in high school. I knew I'd be much happier being a boy, but I thought it was impossible. So I started to deny it, then ignore it, then trying too hard to be as feminine as possible. With different effects. One of those effects was meeting my current fiance, we have been together for five years now. And about a year ago all those trans-thoughts came back to me and hit me too hard to stand it any longer.

    And here things start to get complicated. We live together in a small flat, he's unemployed right now, so we see each other almost all the time. Plus we have two cats, and I love them more than anything. And I'm really used to this way of life, I can't imagine this might change, but I also can't imagine I will be a wife for the rest of my life. I feel like I have too much to loose in both ways - loose my family, or loose myself. I can destroy my life, or waste my life, and I don't know which one is worse.
    I'm also very unsure about myself when I'm home with him, like I'm too deep in that wife role (we're not married, not even planning a wedding, but we live togehter just like a married couple, so that's not a big difference when it comes to lifestyle) that I don't care anymore, like ok whatever. On the other hand I have very strong feelings of certainty, like I'm a proud rainbow unicorn, I can do it, I can fight for myself, I have to tell him. But I just don't know how to do it, I feel paralyzed. I only managed to tell him I don't feel ok with my body, but he didn't get it right, and I was too scared to explain. I also feel that I can't really fight for myself staying in this relationship, how can I even try to look less like a woman, when I have to be a woman?
    I'm more than sure that telling him that I don't feel like a woman and want to start HRT will be the end of our relationship. I don't even expect any way of support. I just don't want him to feel cheated or even traumatized (cause you know, he's the kind of heterosexual man who says he's totally ok with gays, but turns hid head back theatrically every time there's some gay scenes in any movie).

    So, any advices how to start this conversation? How to feel confident enough? Cause I feel like I'm waiting for some magical moment, when I will be suddenly 200% sure and fearless, but I know that won't happen.
     
  2. QuietPeace

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    I tried the whole heteronormative route, it was a disaster for her, the children and me. Losing the fake life may feel like a sacrifice now but trust me living the rest of your life pretending that you are someone who you are not is worse.

    He will feel cheated but he can recover and move on to someone who is a better match, do not sacrifice yourself to avoid him feeling that.

    Start thinking about how you really want to live and who you are. What your life can be like when you live as your true self.

    "We need to talk" is a perfect opener, everyone knows that means that something very serious is going to be discussed. Before you do it you need to write out why you need to live as your true self. Include how long you have felt this way and why you know this is who you are. Let him know that it is not that you just want away from him but that you just want to be you. If you are feeling it even let him know that you would prefer to stay together if he were up to celebrating the changes in your life. By writing it all out ahead of time you will have a script to work from and you can think it all through first.
     
  3. Alek27

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    I was trying to write a coming out letter at first, but it didn't go very well, maybe your idea will be better. I'll definitely try it. Thanks a lot!
     
  4. Alek27

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    So, well, I'm still a coward, the the longer I wait the more doubts I have and the stronger my "I can force myself to live my life as a woman" feeling is. Until today, until that "hey maybe you could finally shave yourself tommorow cause you know..." YES I KNOW AND I DONT WANT IT I just want to puke thinking about any intimate contact right now and I know it would be a "nice" opportunity to have this conversation, but I'm so so so panicked right now, I don't feel ready, I don't feel confident enough, I just don't know what to do now and what to do with the rest of my life, maybe just sitting quiet about myself and just escaping from reality only in my imagination from time to time will be enough I DONT KNOOOOOOOW
    And I'm sorry for being so chaotic, I'm so stresses that I'm shaking and I just had to throw it away from my head somewhere, not just to myself but somewhere where someone could actually hear me, but I don't know if any advice would help, I will probably do what a good wife should do, and hate myself even more than I hate already.
     
  5. QuietPeace

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    I came out prior to any serious relationship, I had dated a little but nothing major. I came out because I could no longer stand living a lie, it had built up and I was ready to explode. I was shoved back into the closet by conversion therapy. I did try to do "the right thing" and marry. That was one of the worst decisions of my life. It is up to you if you want to try to live in the closet but remember, it is not just you who is going to be affected.
     
  6. Alek27

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    That's it, thank you once again. Yesterday I just totally freaked out. I'm trying to calm myself down today and I'm writing him a letter again, cause I know I can't have this conversation peacefully and explain everything well enough, and that he will react just by staying calm for god knows how many days after, as he always do when something's not ok, and that will make me feel only worse. I hope giving him a few days to think about it alone will be a good idea, I'll stay at my friend's place and try not to loose my mind.
     
  7. quebec

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    Alek27.....I think that writing a letter is your best bet. It gives you a chance to be sure that you've said all the important things while giving you time to be sure that the unimportant stuff is left out. This also lets you give him the letter to read when you aren't present. You've had time to think through this...he will need time also...a letter lets him do that. There are sample letters here on Empty Closets that might help you. Here is the link: http://emptyclosets.com/home/pages/resources/coming-out-letters.php
    Remember that you are a part of our LGBTQ+ Family and we do care. Please keep us updated on how this works out!
    .....David :gay_pride_flag:
     
  8. Alek27

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    Thank you David, I checked the sample letters already, here and on some other polish websites. I think I did my best writing mine, I did it as honest, clear and gentle as possible. I left it for him on Friday, so a week ago already, it was one of the of the most stressful moments in my life. I spent 4 days at my friend's place as I mentioned before, 6h by train from the place where I live, because I had no other options. All he did was sending me a picture of our cat (I still dont get it, my therapist said he could do it automatically because he denied what he read so much), I asked if he even saw the letter and he answered with "we'll talk when you'll come back". So I'm back, he didn't even turn his head when I opened the door and he still dont even look at me, talks only to cats like nothing happened and treats me like Im not even here and goes to sleep as soon as I wake up. Im not even trying to start the conversation, Im more than sure he will be like "I dont feel like talking to you", just like he did it to me before for any other reason. Im slowly looking for a room to rent for myself anyway, Im still surprisingly calm and have no doubts or regrets at all.
     
    #8 Alek27, Nov 19, 2020
    Last edited: Nov 19, 2020
  9. quebec

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    Alek27.....So sorry that he is avoiding talking to you. Perhaps time will allow him to accept what you said in the letter. At least you know that you have made the effort to be true to yourself as well as upfront with him. Please keep us updated and don't forget...we're here for you in any way that we can, so don't be afraid to vent to us if you need to.
    .....David :gay_pride_flag:
     
  10. Alek27

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    So two days ago he just left with his computer (not a laptop, a big desktop computer) on 5AM when I was sleeping, didn't tell me where he's going or anything, and took my car. Today I asked what he's up to next, cause I'm a bit confused, and it seems like I loose my time and energy writing this letter. He didn't get it at all, told me that all I can do is writing pointless letters (I wrote that I feel transgender very clearly) and run away (I also wrote I was too scared of his reaction and want to give him some time alone to think about it). So we just broke up via messenger. I feel like a piece of shit, but a free piece of shit.