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How to let a date know you don't want to see them again?

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by lottaotter, Jan 31, 2023.

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  1. lottaotter

    lottaotter
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    I am an extreme people-pleaser, especially when it comes to dating.

    I will go on dates with guys I don't find attractive at all, and pretend to have a good time all night, then when they suggest seeing each other again I always end up saying 'yes' even if I don't want to.

    That's how I've ended up in the situation I'm in today- I've got a date in a few hours and I've felt sick all day from worrying about it.

    I just really, really don't like being mean to people by telling them I didn't feel any connection between us. I feel extra-guilty if the guy seems very into me. I can totally understand why people ghost, even though I have never (and would never) do that.

    I have planned to tell him by text after the date, but what if he asks at the end of the date?! Will I have to lie? That makes it worse. And what should I say over the text anyway?

    My therapist has discussed with me that I need to be much more selective when dating- at the moment I disregard physical attractiveness and it's got me into a whole lot of difficult situations :frowning2:
     
    #1 lottaotter, Jan 31, 2023
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  2. Tightrope

    Tightrope
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    I see this is hot off the press.

    His suggesting seeing each other again doesn't have a specific date and time. Even if it happens at the end of the date. You can buy a little bit of time in planning the next one and then say that you've opened yourself up to seeing other people.

    I agree with your therapist and I agree with this idea, in general. I've seen it discussed on talk shows. The guest psychologists said that even if the chemistry is good but the attraction isn't there, don't go through with it, especially to significant other level. People can go from just breaking up to divorcing over having gotten together with someone they felt really comfortable with but weren't attracted to deep down.
     
    #2 Tightrope, Jan 31, 2023
    Last edited: Jan 31, 2023
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  3. lottaotter

    lottaotter
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    I just feel like such a disgusting worthless piece of shit for not liking him back.

    Gonna have to text him in a bit and have no clue what to say.

    I feel like a bad person. Am I?
     
    #3 lottaotter, Jan 31, 2023
  4. lottaotter

    lottaotter
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    Thank you, that's encouraging.

    I've messaged him now.

    I said:

    Hey (NAME) thanks for two really unique dates. I've really enjoyed getting to know you, but I don't really feel a connection.

    Best of luck,


    Does that sound OK? I'm really overthinking this, I know. I just hate making people upset.
     
    #4 lottaotter, Jan 31, 2023
  5. Cinnamoon

    Cinnamoon
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    No it's best to be honest. What you've written sounds okay. Dating is hard and if someone isn't for you then they're not for you. It's kinder to you both in the long run if everybody's honest with how they feel.
     
    #5 Cinnamoon, Jan 31, 2023
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  6. BiGemini87

    BiGemini87
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    Hey, @lottaotter. I think that text is perfect as is. You are not a PoS for not sharing his feelings, and nor are you being mean by rejecting him. I know it's hard when you're a people-pleaser, but I think this is a frame of mind a lot of people need to work through; rejection isn't mean. Rejection isn't the end of the world, whether we are on the giving or receiving end. It doesn't mean the person being rejected is unloveable, ugly, or awful--it just means there's a lack of compatibility.

    Even if it hurts, honesty is the best policy. All we can do is ensure our honesty is given with kindness; how the recipient takes it from there is up to them.

    I hope he takes it gracefully, and I hope with time, it'll become easier for you to say how you really feel without fear, guilt or shame.
     
    #6 BiGemini87, Feb 2, 2023
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