Look, this might be graphic and disgusting, but I don't know how else to write it and I'm desperate. Even though I really enjoy solo sexual experiences (they make me feel good about my body) I have never managed to have an orgasm with a partner, even during mutual masturbation. The best way I can describe it is that my body goes 'blank': it's not a 'numb' feeling, just the lack of feeling altogether. It's like I leave my body in a way- and a few times I have felt like I was floating above my body looking down. This is causing me a huge deal of stress and that's making it worse. Every time I fail to perform I just feel more disappointed. I can get physically aroused easily, and as I mentioned there's no problem when I'm on my own, but with a partner I just CANNOT. I don't feel any sexual attraction, emotional or physical. But then I don't exactly know what those feel like, either. I often lack the confidence to ask a partner to stop. I don't want to be perceived as selfish. What I would love is to just spend a very long time just being held or cuddling, and talking. I know that's pathetic but it's what I'm craving. Guys always say they're OK with that but it's never long before they're trying it on again and I'm failing to live up to expectations. I feel like a broken freak who is messing up the lives of anyone I try to sleep with. I tried a 'grounding exercise' with my current partner this morning (who is very patient, but I don't want him to have to wait long) which involved breathing but honestly it didn't work. I just felt tearful and flightly as usual. Is there any hope for me? I thought about seeing a sex therapist. I had therapy for childhood abuse months ago, and since then masturbation for me has been absolutely fantastic, which is why I got back on the dating scene- though I was cured. Thing is, I don't even know if I was abused sexually as a child. I draw a total blank. It's like there's a 'block' in my mind like a circuit-breaker that's stopping the feelings 'linking up' my body and my brain. I just want to let go. That's the best way I can describe it.
I'm no expert on this, but I wonder if there might be some sort of dissociation going on during moments of sexual intimacy. If you experienced sexual abuse in childhood there is a higher probability of dissociation (I believe) and it may explain why you have a stronger desire to be held and cuddled... to feel warmth, reassurance and tenderness perhaps? You are not a broken freak at all. If you experienced abuse in childhood it can affect how we think about and relate to sexual intimacy, so I would suggest you touch base with the therapist you have already worked with about this. Just a hunch, but I think there might be something going on that you didn't cover in previous sessions.
Thank you. Dissociation is exactly the word I was looking for. It describes what I feel very well. Cuddling on the other hand just feels so 'real' to me. I wonder if I need that feeling of physical realness FIRST before I can feel mental connection. I think. Thank you for not 'diagnosing' me too. A lot of people jump to conclusions that I MUST have been abused as a child. I think I may have been too, but we'll probably never know.
I I should also mention that I did only have one session with the therapist, so I agree it would be worth going again. However, I did see some improvements since last time (huge improvements, for me) so I do trust that therapist.
You are not a freak!!! Like Patrick said, no expert, but I have personally been seeing a therapist and working through EDMR sessions with them. It's very intense and incredibly enlightening. Since you experienced such horrible childhood trauma maybe finding a therapist who specializes in PTSD and utilizes EDMR therapy might help you unlock.
Thank you. I will contact the previous therapist I saw, who works mostly in the Human Givens approach. If she doesn't seem confiendent she can work with my issue I'll see about EMDR.
