1. Bit about me Uh, I'm 13, and in grade 8. I'm from South Korea but I'm living in Prague because of my father's business. I've been living in Prague since July 2022. I live with both of my parents, my mom who's 41 and my dad who's 43, and my sister who just turned 7. I'm trans(FTM), I use he/him pronouns but they/them is also fine, and I'm pansexual. I've known I was pan since I was 9, and trans when I was 10. South Korea is a bit transphobic+homophobic so I was closeted to everyone except a bisexual cousin(living in USA) and an asexual classmate(who I wasn't even that close with). Even those two people didn't know I was trans. Then I came to Prague, and almost died of cultural shock. The school was so accepting, at least way more accepting than my previous school(where I was shunned and bullied for advocating for trans rights). I made friends, friends who are also part of the community. For the first time in my life, I felt like I was 'me'. 2. Me at school/friends At school, I go by Li, and most people think I'm nonbinary. I'm fine with that as I also like they/them pronouns, but it's actually painful how so many people misgender/deadname me. I mean, I was forced to be 'Lily' at August and 2 months later I said to everyone I know I go by Li because of gender reasons. All the teachers call me Li, and about half of the students do. Some of the students who deadname me quickly correct themselves or I told them personally it's ok, but I'm pretty sure most of them are doing it on purpose. I'm pretty sure why- They laugh when I pass them, they gossip in Czech, the rude questions, etc- But it's not like I directly get bullied, so I just deal with it. They're jerks. Yet everyone except the counselors and my friends misgender me. It's kind of difficult to counter to every single teacher that I use different pronouns- one of my friends helped me come out to my advisor/drama teacher but I can't do that every time-even more, students. That's also part of the reason why I want to come out to my parents before upper school- I want a fresh start as a boy, 'Li', once I turn grade 9. I sort of became the symbol of LGBTQIA+ in the school- I carry pride flags, I wear pride socks, I advocate for the community- Even my Community Project is related to LGBTQIA+. Probably part of the reasons kids alienate and avoid me. I have my friends, so I'm ok with that. 3. My parents I'm not really concerned about my dad. He's always calm, he deals with unexpected news rationally, and he's neutral about LGBTQIA+. I'm pretty sure he'll keep a certain distance from me after I come out but will pretty much treat me as the same. My mom- There are a few reasons I'm worried about my mom. First, I think she might be homophobic/transphobic... I'm not really sure, when I tried to talk about LGBT she sort of changed the subject, and she never showed actual hate towards the community, except sometimes she says stuff sort of... Alienating them, idk the right word. One thing I'm 100% sure is she has a negative attitude towards them, even if not extreme/dramatic. Second, she might never treat me the same, ever again. This might sound dramatic but yes. My mom isn't a person to take drastic measures as kick me out-even if she wanted to my dad would stop her-but it would practically be the same. She might never talk to me, which would be very painful for me since I have spent my past years talking to her every day and really depending on her for emotional support. 4. My future plans/why I want to come out Well, I'm in the last year of middle school, and I really want a fresh start next year in upper school. Just because I started the year looking "feminine" and was half-forced to use the girls' bathroom/locker rooms doesn't mean I'm a girl. I want to start going through medical transitioning, but before that- I really need to cut my hair+buy a nice binder..!! My mom's pretty strict so I can't do those without support/permission/consent of her. I want to really be accepted as a 'boy' next year. I want to join the boys' cross-country team, not the girls'. I want to be called he not she. I don't want to feel trapped anymore. Here are some questions I have: I'm thinking of coming out as pan when I come out as trans, or will that be too much of a shock? Or will it be better to confess my gender and sexuality at the same time? I'm considering between leaving them a letter while I go away on some tournament for a few days or talking to them in person. What would be the better way? I think my mom suspects I'm lesbian/bisexual. How can I build on this, or is it something unrelated? What kind of questions/comments/reactions do you expect from my parents, considering my background/parents? How should I answer those questions? If there's any advice you can give me, I would be so thankful!!
Hi CiTrus, first of all may I congratulate you on your command of written English! You are a rarity - a teenager who can write almost perfectly and the fact that you are doing in a language that isn't your mother tongue is even more impressive. (We all get sorts of kids on here...those who can't write in proper sentences, those who don't know how use a full stop, those who have never heard of the phrase 'paragraph break'. Moan moan whinge moan, people today etc..) Anyway, you seem to have a lot of stuff sorted out in your own head already, which is great (and also impressive). To answer your questions... * Maybe I'm old fashioned but I don't think your parents need to know about your sexuality. I never discussed mine with my mother when I was your age. My own 16 year old stepson has never discussed his with me. Quite frankly, who he fancies or doesn't fancy isn't any of my business. * Given that you write so well, I think a letter is a good idea. It gives the recipient time to consider their response. * See answer one. * I'm purely guessing because your parents are in their early 40s and are obviously seasoned international travellers (and thus more likely to be liberal) but I would think the worst you would get is some (perhaps misplaced) parental concern. They'll probably ask you 'how are you so sure?' And they'll probably ask whether you want to take hormones or have surgery. All this is standard stuff. They will probably think it's just 'a phase'. Because all us parents have seen our kids go through phases, whether it's dinosaurs, Pokemon, unicorns or the Backstreet Boys! There is a certain type of parent who thinks 'this transgender stuff' is just another one of those and thus silently hoping IT ALL GOES AWAY. How should you answer those questions? With the same honesty and care with which you've written your post. Good luck - do let us know how it goes! Beth x
Thank you so much for the considerate response! *I think that's a fair point, and I wouldn't discuss my sexuality unless my parents asked me to. *Yes, I'm currently in the process of drafting a letter. *Yes- I'll think about how to explain to my parents it's not just a 'phase', and that I would be way more happy to live as myself rather than to live up to 'normal standards'. Thank you so much again T.T My English is terrible yet there are people like you who compliment..! CiTrus x
As someone who tutors English to kids your age, I can safely say that your written prose knocks spots off most teenagers' for whom English is their native language. Take the compliment - it's meant sincerely. Hugs, Beth x
I would suggest that you write a letter like Beth said, that way you won't be put on the spot and it is your choice whether or not you wish to see their reactions.
Little Man, you are super intelligent, and close to being fearless ! Don't lose that sense of initiative, because it will take you far. Let's get more concrete. What if your family moves back to Asia sooner than expected ? Business conditions do change and Eastern Europe is under stress; Russia could attack another country, or energy costs could go through the roof. How your parents react to your plans will be influenced by this broader context. They'll also worry about how people back in SK will react - their social networks, your relatives and teachers, conservative Christian neighbors. Sometimes adults put their own interests first, and justify it by saying they're supporting you financially, or that they know more about life than you do. In short, you could start transitioning in a relatively tolerant country, only to be forced back into a society where your options are very limited. Are you ready for those possible repercussions ? Because at the same time, you would be in a notoriously high-pressured academic environment, and coping with the changes that all teenagers' bodies and minds go through. I'm not trying to scare you. But you have to consider worst-case scenarios, because as an expatriate 13 year old you're putting yourself in a * very vulnerable * situation and I'm not sure you have enough social and emotional resources to back you up. Who knows - it could be a good thing for you to transition now, while you have the chance. It might be a point of no return, and give you and your parents the courage to accept whatever challenges might follow that. But none of us know if it will work out that way - so be patient, prepare for setbacks, and don't be afraid to make temporary compromises if the world puts too many barriers in your way. Good luck !
First, thank you for the long, considerate response! The factor hitting our family the hardest is probably the war; If it gets any worse and seeps into other countries near us we might need to move back. Otherwise I am quite sure we will be staying here until I enter college. Yes- People back in SK, that's a big thing. My father doesn't have many social contacts and I believe he would take it easier, but my mother is a whole different story. Her family is very conservative and some of them are Christian. My mother herself is Christian even though she does not attend church- how did I forget mentioning this? I considered for a long time coming out after I become independent from my parents, but the dysphoria I am feeling is very difficult to live with every day. Attending a single class makes me feel stressed out and drained, and it's not because of the academic workload. I have two "worst cases" I am currently considering, one literally the "worst" but quite unlikely, the other being realistically the "worst case". The literally worst case would probably be my mom overreacting and sending me back to South Korea, which is very unlikely but actually possible. In this case I have no other option than to wait until I grow up, while continuously suffering from dysphoria. The most realistic worst case will be my parents constantly shunning me/shutting me down, basically alienating me from the rest of the family. However, I believe in my parents, I know that I have friends and counselors to back me up in a hard situation, so I believe that they would help me along the way. I have been thinking about coming out for over two years, and I think this year would be the right time. Thank you for your thoughtful response!!
