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How to be tough?

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by tidalpool127, Oct 1, 2021.

  1. tidalpool127

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    Hey EC,

    I'm looking for some advice. I feel like I need to be tougher. I don't meant acting tough like a jerk but rather more resilient. I feel like most of the LGBTQ+ people I know are very resilient. Maybe this is because of the stigmas we face. I faced similar stigmas but unlike my peers I do not feel resilient at all. In fact I feel somewhat emotionally fragile. I often let things others say or do which shouldn't be a big deal become a big deal in my head. I find myself overly emotional a lot of the time, a bit of a crybaby you could say. Where other people rise to the challenge of adversity, I am easily discouraged. Is there something I can do to toughen up?
     
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  2. FireFox

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    I think it will be quite hard to answer because anyone can say, just be tough and don't let people get away with shit but ultimately it will always be easier said than done.

    But don't let people walk all over you, don't be afraid to say 'I don't like that' and so on but I would also like to say to you is please don't loose your emotional side because from my experiences people with more emotion generally have more empathy and humility.

    In the UK there are too many knobheads with about as much empathy as a politician, so please don't loose that trait as it's becoming a rare comodity. :slight_smile:
     
    #2 FireFox, Oct 1, 2021
    Last edited: Oct 1, 2021
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  3. tidalpool127

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    Thanks Firefox. I don't want to be emotionless, but often my emotions burn too hot and overwhelm me. I won't say I'm a people pleaser but I hate confrontation and am very passive. If I do retaliate against someone it is often in a passive-aggresive way, which I know is bad. My husband and friends say that even though I am over 6 feet I do not seem to claim the space I am in. I am just tired of not feeling confident enough in myself to be who I am totally without feeling less than. I also want to not give up as easily when the going gets tough. I want to have more fight in me. I'm supposed to be an Aries, dang it.
     
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  4. FireFox

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    Have you thought about seeing a professional regarding lack of confidence?
     
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  5. tidalpool127

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    Yup, I'm in therapy and we are working on it. I'm working on having a more positive inner monologue right now. It's helping, I just feel like there is a lot to fix.
     
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  6. FireFox

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    Ahh cool, well at least it is a 'in progress' kind of thing :slight_smile:
     
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  7. chicodeoro

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    Hey Tidalpool, how old are you, if I may ask?

    Personally, I think in most cases resilience is simply a quality that we develop as we grow in life. As we get older it's just one of life's lessons we internalise - stick at something if you want to get anywhere, if one person doesn't like you find people who do etc.

    I speak as someone who had to learn it, who didn't have any confidence when she was a child. In my case becoming a parent helped - I ended up saying much the same things to my stepson that my mum said to me when I was the same age (and meant I had to role model it!)

    Beth
     
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  8. tidalpool127

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    Way, way too old to be this weak...I'm 34...I'm okay, I just gotta push myself, can't let the fear win. Letting it win too much.
     
  9. GazesToClouds

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    Heya Tidal, i know you say that you are a bit emotionally fragile and easily discouraged but i dont think that makes you weak. I think its a great asset actually. It shows that you are still only human, i think you are plenty tough. You had the courage to come talk to me about yourself after all, a weak person wouldnt have done that. In my experience "toughness" comes in many shapes and sizes its not one size fits all. Everyone is tough in their own way. Everyone. No exceptions. You are not weak. If you have the courage to take that step to seek help you are much tougher than you yourself might realise. Stay strong buddy <3
     
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  10. QuietPeace

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    Maybe your issue is more about how you view others versus how you view yourself. You are probably stronger than you realize. You indicate that you live in the USA and are out to everyone. That alone takes a certain amount of bravery and resilience. Being someone who feels deeply does not make you weak, in fact for a man to be that way in this highly misogynistic world that tells men that they have to be toxic in order to be considered masculine is in itself great strength.

    You say that you have let fear win, that cannot be true if you are out to everyone. I fled the USA and even though I now live where it is much safer to be out I am not out. Like you I hate confrontation and discourage easily (at least in my own view). I consider myself a very weak person but everyone who gets to know me and hears some of my story tells me that I am the strongest person that they have met.
     
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  11. tidalpool127

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    Thank you, everyone. I'm sorry, I'm just going through it. I..I don't want to air my dirty laundry on the Internet. I must change things about myself or I will lose everything.
     
  12. FireFox

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    We're all ears if you need anyone to talk to :slight_smile:
     
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  13. QuietPeace

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    You do not have to be sorry, helping people is why EC is here.
     
  14. GazesToClouds

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    You dont need to be sorry, we are all here help! <3
     
  15. tidalpool127

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    Okay, thanks again everyone. I know what I have to do. No need to respond, I think I'm mainly writing this for myself. Everything I've been moaning about on here is my own doing, except maybe one thing but I don't need that either. It's time to grow the hell up. Beyond time. Time to stop the whining and crying and be a man, someone my family can count on. Time to stop being an ungrateful brat. What, I don't work my dream job? Boo hoo, most people don't. I already screwed up once by not finishing college, I cannot squander the opportunities I've been given. I have to stop being a lazy, spineless, wet rag of a man who is letting my fear of not being good enough paralyze me to the point of letting everything good I do have crumble. I must try. If I go down, I have to go down fighting. I can't let myself go down curled up in a ball, drowning in self-pity. Time to put one foot in front of the other.
     
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  16. QuietPeace

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    I still think that part of your issue is your view of what it means to be strong or to be a man. Beating yourself up only hurts yourself and is not helpful.

    Men can cry, it would be far better if more men accepted that they are allowed to feel.

    As far as the entire rest of what you said here to me it really points to you needing to get into therapy.
     
  17. LostInDaydreams

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    Hi @tidalpool127,

    I’m sorry to hear that you’re struggling at the moment. It’s ok to be struggling, everyone feels that they are struggling at times, and it takes courage to admit that openly and ask for help.

    Reading your most recent post, I’m inclined to agree with @QuietPeace. You appear to be holding yourself up to stereotypically masculine standards, which are often unrealistic and harmful. Is this something that you have discussed with your therapist?
     
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  18. tidalpool127

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    I have talked to my therapist but her ideas of stopping my negative self-talk are probably good for my health but are too slow. I have to change now or I'm going to lose him. I feel terrible, I've made him out on here to be this bad guy because I have a weird desire. But I think I'm the bad person, real bad. I've been emotionally manipulative, needy, immature, and a huge energy drain on him. Haven't stepped up, not pushing my career forward, not carrying my fair share of the load, stalling and stagnating because I'm afraid I won't ever be smart enough or strong enough to help him with his dreams. I know it is okay to cry, but it's not okay to be an emo sadsack all the time. It's not him, I've been a negative crybaby since before puberty. It is also not okay for one's emotions to be all over the place, going off like a grenade all the time. I just, I have to change. I don't want to be this emotionally unstable man-boy anymore. I just want to be someone who is easy to love. I have to try harder to get my emotions and negativity under control.
     
  19. FireFox

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    Well from my uneducated position, what I can see is that identifying is half the battle. Now are those true, to be honest I don't know and with your feelings I wouldn't be surprised if you're overstating your failings due to being sad but I have known people with some of those issues and they're oblivious to them going around like nothing is wrong. At the end of the day you have identified areas that need improvement and as far as I'm concerned is a big step in itself which I think is worthy of a virtual hug. Keep up the good work, we're all rooting for you :heart:

    Also please don't be so hard on yourself :slight_smile:
     
    #19 FireFox, Oct 5, 2021
    Last edited: Oct 5, 2021
  20. tidalpool127

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    Hey, I just wanted to say that I am in a much better place this week. A lot of crazy stress is gone because I successfully deployed a major project at work. I also have decided to quit smoking weed and have stopped for a week. Not very long I know and I know weed isn't something hard like opioids but I think it effects me in a way that I can no longer do it. I had stopped doing worse things and driniking(except a beer every now and then) a long time ago but continued to smoke. I think it exacerbates some of the issues I have though. Plus, I'm not neurotypical and I think it affects me differently and makes me very stupid. I feel a lot clearer and less moody then I did a week ago. I've also stepped up and have taken over our financial planning to get that off his plate. I'm looking into options for finishing my degree online as well, but I'll have to crunch more numbers to see if we can make that work. Thank you everyone for your kind comments and advice, I don't have a lot of people I can discuss such matters with and this website and its members have been supportive beyond belief.
     
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