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How Should I Address This

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by DietCoke, Aug 15, 2022.

  1. DietCoke

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    Hello! My name is Ryan. I'm so happy to see this site is still relatively active because I know not where else to ask for advice on this oddly specific situation. I used to be a fairly active member on this site many moons ago. I couldn't remember my password so I made this new account and as per the recomendation I made it unique I think. Anywho I'm looking for a little bit of insight on how to deal with a curent situation. I'm sorry if it comes off jumbled or confusing.


    So a couple of months before the pandemic caused the shutdown (Jan 2020) a friend’s boyfriend’s brother came to visit and he (30m) and I (30m) hit it off. (That's our age now at the time I guess it was 28). I felt there was a connection and he gave me lots of indications he felt the same way. Touching my legs and such and what have you. We kissed the last night he was here but it didn’t go further than that. He did say he’d like to go back to my place but at the time I was living at my parents and it was a bit out of the way from where his brother was so it just wasn’t practical although I would come to regret not taking him back there. But alas a great kiss was as far as it went.

    So I message him after he leaves and in a matter of days we’re texting each other back and forth over fb messenger pretty much constantly. We would occasionally call each other and chat over the phone as well usually for an hour or two. This went on until the shutdown and then if anything the messaging only became more frequent. At this time it was always very flirty and featured a lot of heart emojis and kissy faces and the like.

    Then things start to reopen and where he is from the numbers were a lot lower and it was safer to be out and about so he was going out and doing things a lot while I was still pretty much in lockdown. Then after a little while he met someone. Around I wanna say Feb 2021 but it may have been earlier than that. Now to be clear we never tried to say we were a couple or anything of the sort but we had repeatedly expressed feelings for one another. I always knew eventually he would meet someone and of course he would cause he’s a total catch. What hurt me about it was that he didn’t tell me. I had a feeling because the tone of our conversations shifted dramatically and, from my perspective, suddenly. But it wasn’t confirmed to me until I saw posts of him and the person together on social media. I was, and really still am, deeply hurt by his omission of his relationship with her. It makes me feel like he doesn’t respect me.

    So whatever time goes on and we still chat but as I said the tone had shifted dramatically. I always wondered if I should have said something like “so you got a girlfriend huh?” but figure he’s in another country anyway and we were possibly never gonna see each other again so why should I bother upsetting anything. I left it alone. As things reopened I put myself out there, dated and fucked other guys. When asked what I was doing I always made sure to share with him openly if I was going on a date or such.

    I’m not sure how long he and her were together because even after their breaking up he never mentioned her to me except once when he talked of her as his ex. I had a feeling he had been single again because he started to chat with me more frequently again and was more flirty again (Idk if flirty is the right word but I couldn’t think of a better one).

    So fast forward to about three months ago. Mind you this whole time, over two years now, I have feelings for this man that confuse the hell out of me because I have no idea what I am to him or from his perspective and to what end since he lives in another country. One day we’re talking on the phone for a good while and out of nowhere he asks me to marry him. Out of nowhere for me but it seemed like it was why he wanted to talk. I decline because as much as I care about him I don’t think it’s reasonable to marry someone when you haven’t actually spent a good amount of time together. I didn’t say it but of course the fact that he seemed to keep things from me also made me say no. Didn’t seem necessary to add since not having spent time together is a viable reason.

    So, about a couple weeks after that (last month), I have plans to go and visit my friend (who had moved during the pandemic shutdown). In the week leading up to the visit everyone who is going informs me that he is going to be there. He didn’t tell me until the day before when his plane got there and I believe (and this could be me being paranoid) but I believe he only told me because that’s when he found out I would be there. So I see him and it’s a little awkward in the group setting especially since I hadn’t seen my friends in months and months either. But he’s gonna be staying at his brother’s place for a few months so I invite him to come stay with me for a weekend if he wants.

    This weekend he came to visit. I feel awful. The whole weekend he seemed uncomfortable and totally uninterested in me. I mean he didn’t touch my hand, put his hands on me in anyway, didn’t say anything to me remotely romantic, didn’t even give me a look that indicated he was interested in me in the slightest. I’m currently recovering from an injury so I couldn’t have had sex if I wanted to even and I wasn’t expecting a lot but it really crushed me that this man I care so much about, who only a couple months ago asked me to marry him, is finally alone with me after over two years and he didn’t seem to want to be. Not even a small kiss? Not even touching my hand? Nothing? The whole time he was here it felt like I was sending every signal I know how to and he was watching the clock waiting to leave. Like he was only there out of some sort of pity. I feel so worthless. As I took him to the train I apologized for if I made him uncomfortable and he said I hadn’t and not to worry about it.

    So what do I do now? I don’t know if I should say anything further when he seems to care about me so little anyway. Is it cause I shot down his proposal? Does he have a boyfriend or girlfriend again that he isn’t telling me about again? I feel so pathetic. Obviously after all this time I couldn’t just cut him out like nothing and I wouldn’t want to. How should I address it? Should I even or should I just accept and try to force myself to see him as no more than a friend?
     
  2. Isbjorn

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    It sounds to me like you need to talk to him. Share with him why you turned him down. That, you want to be friends, but don't know how, because you sense this rift between you that wasn't there before. Ask him to talk to you, as to why he asked you to marry him in the first place when you only knew each other via messaging. How you feel or at least felt a connection before and miss that.

    I caution you though, because from what you describe, the proposal sounds like it was a rebound thing and not necessarily the right thing. He may be embarrassed that he asked in the first place, or he may feel rejected, because his rebound was rejected, i.e. double rejection. I think the only thing that will work is communication. I know that is tough, but better than second guessing on both of your parts.

    Just my two cents' worth. Peace!
     
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  3. DietCoke

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    Thank you for your advice! I know the way I lay events out here that took place across more than two years could cause confusion on the timing but there was a significant amount of time (months at least) between when he and that girl broke up and when he asked me to marry him. However, I don’t think his asking me was as much about him wanting to marry me as it was about some other motivation that I don’t maybe have the details on myself, even if in his mind it was about wanting to be with me. What I mean is I don’t think it was a rebound thing but you aren’t wrong that it definitely wasn’t for the right reason.

    At the time that I rejected his proposal though I think I was fairly clear on my reasons not being about him but simply the nature of our relationship. I never considered us as ‘only knowing each other through messaging’ though. I mean I guess that’s mostly accurate but we did meet naturally and in person so I just never thought of it like that.
     
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  4. Andoni

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    I'm with Isbjorn. You need to talk to him. You can't marry someone you can't communicate with. Once you both know the unknown parts of whatever the other is thinking, then you can move forward.

    Maybe he felt rejected by the proposal decline (even though it sounds like 100% the right response) but that's concerning too. It doesn't sound like it was a very healthy, level headed proposal and becoming distant as a response is a bad sign too.

    You guys talk a lot, but marriage is a big thing and from what you describe, you're quite a few steps away from a real proposal with good prospects of actually getting married. You don't live in the same place and I might have missed it but it sounds like you haven't had sex yet. That's not a good place from which to say, "let's get married forever!"

    I think you should talk to him about how the way he treated you made you feel and he needs to tell you what he's thinking and feeling too, even if it's not all roses. Couples need to be able to resolve conflict in healthy ways, so difficult conversations need to be had.

    This could well be your future husband but I think you need to test out the relationship in the real world, where you actually date, spend time together, build a physical relationship etc. It's one thing to talk on the phone to someone miles away frequently but going from that straight to engaged seems like a plan destined to fail. You're both romanticising the idea of a relationship but you don't actually know what that looks like.

    Look out for yourself here too and if he treats you badly, don't gloss over it. He has already treated you badly at least twice. Speak up and if it causes a fight that goes badly, well you know who you're really dealing with.

    His behaviour sounds likely to hurt you if I'm honest but a conversation with him may reveal more than you and therefore we here know. Good luck!
     
  5. DietCoke

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    Whoa future husband. I don't know about that. I think a running issue I have when I talk with others about this is they always ask "well what do you want from this in the end?" or "where do you want this to go?" and I honestly have no answer for that. I know I have feelings for him but I also understand that those feelings might not hold up if we were to spend a lot of time physically together. Maybe I’m being too pragmatic though?

    I guess I should bring it up further but it just feels like I wish we had discussed it in person when I had the chance. Now it just feels so awkward to bring up.
     
  6. Andoni

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    You don't need to know the end point though and it's great that you know that thinking about him as a future husband makes you think twice about the idea.

    You could tell him how you feel about everything, including your feelings for him, tell him thinking of him or anyone as a husband right now is too quick but that you want to try having a relationship with him though because of the deep connection you've built in your conversations and the strong feelings you have for him.

    If you're both on the same page in terms of how you feel about each other after you talk, you could commit to each other as boyfriends and then try to figure out, how to see each other more often and then go from that to living in the same place. Take your time with each step and test the waters slowly in a way that you can see if making major changes to your life/lives is worth doing to maintain a relationship.

    Be honest about how he's hurt you though. See if he's kind in his response and that he takes care of your feelings. If you can work through that, then you can talk about how to be a couple. It's not enough that he's a catch, he has to be a catch that treats you with respect and kindness.

    I've been in this situation and I've seen others here too. I think it's best to be upfront, see if it works out and if not, then you can just move on.

    Don't worry about missing the perfect moment to talk it out when you were together. If you'd rather just leave it now, do that. If you want to see if it can work, pick up the phone and talk about it. It'll go well or it'll go badly but at least you'll know. Closure is good and so are new beginnings. If you talk to him, you'll get one or the other. If your gut says to walk away and leave it be, then just do that.
     
  7. BiGemini87

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    Hello, Ryan. I'm inclined to agree with some of the input you've received already: I think, before you can move forward in any capacity, you need to have an "all cards on the table, no holds barred" conversation with him. Tell him how the omission regarding his ex-girlfriend affected you, how you feel about him only wanting to really talk to you when he's between relationships and above all, that you're not coming from a place of anger or judgment, but a place of wanting to understand his reasons and perspective. Encourage him to walk you through all of his feelings over the course of the past two years, especially the marriage proposal and the awkwardness the last time you saw one another.

    If he isn't willing to have an open, honest conversation with you, there isn't much you can do. But if he is and just needs time to sort out his thoughts, or if you find his reasons are something you can sympathize with, perhaps you two can work something out. Maybe you won't ever be more than friends, maybe you could have something special--but only time and his reaction to you wanting clarification will tell.
     
  8. DietCoke

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    Thank you all for the advice. I’m trying to breach the subject some but I’m scared I’m gonna ruin whatever sort if relationship we do have. For some context I really don’t have anyone. What very few friends I had moved away during the pandemic and most of them hardly ever contact me or respond much when I reach out. He’s pretty much the only person that’s always there for me almost every day, even if he isn’t really there. So it’s really terrifying for me because I’m worried if I make it awkward or say something that makes him think he should cut me out then I won’t have anyone at all. I don’t wanna lose what little I have of human interaction. I know I gotta force myself to go out and socialize and meet new people but it’s really not easy to meet new people when you’re socially inept and alone. I’m just so confused and hurt and trying to cope with the fact that he doesn’t seem to care about me the way I thought he did. I’m too old for all this nonsense. I really thought by now I’d be with someone and chilling on a couch not caring about anything.
     
  9. Isbjorn

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    ** Hugs @UniquePepsi ** Wow, thank you for sharing your vulnerability. So glad you are strong enough to do that and that you feel comfortable enough to do that here.

    You are stronger than you think. You got this!
     
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  10. DietCoke

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    So I brought it up. Yaknow I feel much better! He agreed things were sort of awkward or whatever but assured me that it wasn’t me. He just felt weird to be romantic or whatever because of other stuff he has going on which given what it is is understandable. I’m not gonna say what cause it’s rather personal and not for me to share even with strangers on the internet. He was seemingly happy I brought it up because he also thought it should be discussed but didn’t want to make things uncomfortable which obviously I can understand. Thank you all for the encouragement. I don’t know where things might head or not head but that’s fine by me as long as I know where I’m at now.
     
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  11. Isbjorn

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    Awesome! I am so glad you talked. Communication is easy to preach, but harder to do. Sometimes what we communicate is not great, but not knowing can be even worse. I can see that though the news might not be the greatest, at least you are feeling better about where you stand in any relationship that may or may not happen and by opening this communication up perhaps things won't be as awkward.

    Peace!
     
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