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How do i know when i should come out?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Jynx07, Feb 9, 2022.

  1. Jynx07

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    im currently 14 going on 15 and ive been pretty confident in my identity as a lesbian for a few years. almost every single person i know has been out for a long time and i just feel like maybe i should. the only problem is my mother has a tendency to tell people that they're too young to know and i dont know how well she'dtake it because she's obsessed with the idea of my marrying a man and having children. every time i feellike i m ay be able to ome out soon she starts pushing getting a boyfriend onto me or says something homophobic that just kind of ruins my motivation to tell her, but im sick of having to hide my identity.
     
  2. BiGemini87

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    Hello, @Jynx07!

    Knowing if and when to come out is an intensely personal decision. There is no right or wrong way to do it--it's all about making sure this is both something you want to do and are ready to do. You said you feel like you should come out; but is this because you want to, or because you feel left out where your friends are concerned? Everyone moves at their own pace, so there's no shame in taking your time.

    But if you really do want to come out, maybe start small with someone you really trust. This could be another family member who won't mention it to you mom, or a close friend. Maybe start with some of your out friends; they seem like the best bet, as people who have been through the process. Maybe have a dialogue with them over how they approached coming out, if any of them had difficulties with their parents, etc.

    Another thing is to make sure you're safe when you come out. This is absolutely paramount when you're a minor/living at home with your parents. If you tell them or they find out in some other manner, is there a risk of abuse, neglect, or being thrown out of your home? If there is a risk, I would say hold off until you have a safety net in place--that is to say, somewhere you can go/someone you can stay with if the worst comes to pass.

    If mistreatment isn't a risk (or nothing more than judgmental remarks), then I'd say prepare yourself for questions, arguments, or misconceptions your mother (and anyone else) might have. You've been comfortable in the knowledge that you're attracted to other girls for long enough to know you aren't straight; your mother might question how you know, in which (frustrating and embarrassing as it might be), you'll probably find yourself explaining crushes you've had. If you've had any experience, you don't necessarily need to tell her, but if she assumes you can't know until you've been with someone, you can point out the fallacy of the statement, as a straight person can know they're straight when still a virgin--so why should anyone of any other orientation be any different?

    This might be difficult, but if you do tell your mother, try to remain as cool and collected as possible. Give her little to no reason to doubt the rationality of your thoughts and feelings.

    I hope this helps. :slight_smile:
     
  3. Jynx07

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    thank you so much! it did help
     
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  4. quebec

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    Jynx07.....Coming out can be wonderful and terrible. Occasionally at the same time! The most important factors in deciding when to come out are:
    *****Come out when YOU are ready. Don't let anyone push you into it if you are not at the place where coming out is right for you.
    *****You might want to consider using a letter WHEN the time comes to tell your parents or friends . Coming out in writing/email means you will not be interrupted or face a barrage of questions that you need to answer immediately, in the heat of the moment. You get time, and they get time too and that counts for a lot. There are some great sample coming out letters here on empty closets that could be a big help to you. Even if you don't eventually use the letter/email, taking the time to think about it and to write one will help you to be sure to say what you need to say and leave out the rest! You can even use it as a kind of script if you do choose to come out verbally to them! :old_smile: Again a big plus to a letter is that you don't have to be present when the letter is read. That can be a very big help as it eliminates the potential face-to-face confrontation that can easily go bad. It gives the person reading the letter some time to think before they talk to you. After all, you've had time to think about your sexuality...giving them some time to think about it too only seems fair! Check the letters out (see below)...they could be a real help!
    *****Also...when you do come out, whether it's tomorrow or a month from now, your parents/friends will probably have questions. Take some time now to think about what those questions might be. Such as; "How do you know you are Lesbian?" or "How long have you felt this way?" etc. The questions themselves will vary a great deal dependent upon your parents/friends...so take that into consideration. If you work up a list of five or so questions with the answers already planned, you will be perceived as a more mature, serious person.
    *****COMING OUT LETTERS: http://emptyclosets.com/home/pages/resources/coming-out-letters.php
    *****Remember...you are a part of our LGBTQ Family and we do care! Keep us updated on how things are going for you!
    .....David :gay_pride_flag: