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How do I come as transgender to my transphobic family :(

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by salem2, Nov 16, 2022.

  1. salem2

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    never used this site before, found it on YouTube and decided to try it out. Anywho, I’m 14 and been a closeted trans for almost 2 years but my family is very homophobic and transphobic.:frowning2: Any time the word transgender, gay, or lgbtq is brought up, my parents become extremely toxic and rude. They begin criticizing the entire community and it starts a whole argument that lasts for a day straight. Whenever I try to have my own opinion about something or bring something up about my mental health, my mother will take away my phone and other devices because she thinks the internet is the problem. I brought up depression to my mother before and my phone was immediately taken away from me because she thought I was being “brainwashed” by the internet into thinking I was messed up. Not only is that the problem but my parents are very strict. They’re so strict to the point that I’m not even allowed to go to school. I have to get homeschooled because my parents think that I’ll be shown explicit content? My mother said these exact words, “No your not going to that hell hole. They’re probably gonna tell you to vote for Biden and get the Covid-19 vaccine.” I can’t have any sorts of social media, my YouTube and Google just got taken away from me for no reason 2 weeks ago. 1 month ago I told my cousin that I was trans, and thankfully he supported. I specifically told him to not tell ANYONE, and he promised he wouldn’t. Not even 2 days later he told my transphobic boyfriend that I was trans. (I was secretly talking to my boyfriend at the time in secret because my parents don’t let me date people) so he was texting me a lot asking if it was a joke or not. I eventually just told him I wasn’t trans and told him that I didn’t know what my cousin was talking about. I didn’t want to start any drama between me and my boyfriend because we already have a toxic relationship. I told my dad about what happened, and he continued to pressure me about telling him the secret I’ve been hiding for the past 2 years. (the secret is that I’m trans) and the next day I told him I was trans. His response was: “it must be a confusing time for you.” That’s not what I wanted to hear. I wanted to hear him say he supported me and asked for my new name and pronouns, but nope. We had a car ride the next day and we talked about me being trans. He said “I don’t think your trans. Your probably just confused right now. Don’t even think about trying to get hormone chargers or surgery’s. I’m gonna act like nothing happened, ok?” I wanted to start crying at that point. I don’t wanna live my life as something I don’t wanna be, especially not my teenage years. I have no social interaction, and my mental health is horrible. I’m not allowed to see a therapist because according to my mom they “brainwash” you. Don’t really know what to even do with my life anymore. My cousin was the only one I had left in life but he sabotaged my trust. If somebody could give me advice on coming out and being myself it would help alot :frowning2:
     
  2. chicodeoro

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    Quite frankly Salem I don't think you should come out to your family at this present juncture. From what you've written, you're not going to get the support and love you need from them. So save yourself a whole load of grief - don't bother.

    You need to find allies whom you can trust. Do you have any friends you can be yourself around? Or anyone else you can confide in?

    Your family are controlling verging on abusive and your first priority has to be surviving the next few years until you can be free.

    Sending out peace and good vibes to you,

    Beth x
     
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  3. Jakebusman

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    By the way it sounds home is not a safe space to come out
     
  4. HopiSophi

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    How do I understand that
     
  5. Bludzee

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    Do you know anyone that can support you if your parents kick you out ?
     
  6. Aspen

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    I’m sorry. I wish I could give you all the right words to say to show your parents how terrible and abusive and toxic their attitudes are. But my mother is like this, and those words don’t exist. When someone’s belief system is this deeply entrenched, and they can defeat any argument with “that’s just propaganda,” and they believe that anyone who holds other beliefs is being brainwashed, then nothing is going to change their mind. I’m 29 years old and my mom doesn’t know I’ve been voting Democrat for eight years because she thinks being a liberal is a mental disorder.

    I hope, since you were able to find a secret boyfriend, that you’re able to meet people and make friends that you can be yourself with. Please remember that this isn’t forever. I'm here if you ever need to talk.
     
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  7. salem2

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    Unfortunately no, I’m not allowed to leave my house or have any communication with anybody online anymore :’)
     
  8. salem2

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    nope. it’s not just my parents it’s my ENTIRE family, on both my mom and dads side.
     
  9. quebec

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    Salem....As other posters have said there just isn't any magic wand that you can wave and have all of these problems disappear. You've got 4-5 years to survive before you are legally an adult and can make your own choices in life. While it's going to be difficult, the best path for you right know is to make as few waves with your parents as possible. The more they detect any kind of LGBT activity from you, the more restrictive they will become. You life is tough now, if you don't want it to turn into a living hell, then you need to go seriously stealth. That's a really difficult thing to have to do...and 4-5 years will seem like forever right now, but compare it to the next 60 or 70 years that you will be able to live as you want to live and it doesn't seem quite as bad. One thing that happens in a situation like this all too often is another person comes along and seems to accept you for who you are and is willing to "take you out" of this unbearable situation. Be very, very careful about this! Don't trade that 60 or 70 years of freedom to choose your own path for a "quick exit" from the unbearable family situation which just leads to another bad situation! :old_frown: It will be difficult to hold on until you are an adult, but when you get there...your life is your own! Honestly that can be a bit scary too, but you will be older and better able to make decisions then. In the meantime stay with us here on Empty Closets as much as you can. I'm not normally in favor of going behind your parents back, but in this situation if you are using any kind of electronic device that your parents might have access to...please be sure to delete the history and avoid leaving any evidence that you have been talking to anybody about LGBT issues. Just simple safety steps.
    .....David :gay_pride_flag:
     
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  10. chicodeoro

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    I wish I could help or say something that would magically transform your situation, Salem. But Quebec is right - you've just got to play the long game, the waiting game.

    One day, some day, your life will change. Remember that before you many many LGTBQ+ people have had to go through similar periods of living in stealth, inside the closet for their own safety. Sometimes for years, sometimes for decades. Myself, it'll be nearly three years of living in and out of the closet, keeping my secret from my stepson. Without going too much into my own situation, if I were to be outed too early I could lose my house and everything.

    You are not alone. Stay with us here on EC but as Quebec said, be careful if your parents are monitoring you.

    Big hugs,

    Beth x
     
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  11. BocciBee

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    ^^^ This is important to listen to. It'll be difficult but your safety has to come first, it's the best way of getting out of there and be able to live your life openly. I would also suggest that once you're old enough to you should get a job and start saving money to move out. Give your parents an excuse like "I'm trying to learn to be responsible with money for when I'm an adult."

    One day you'll be out of there and you'll be free. I've seen it before, and I know you'll be able to as well. We're all here for you. Good luck, stay strong, we're proud of you.
     
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  12. PJ208

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    Agree. Doesn't sound like it's the best move to come out to the family when they clearly won't be able to grasp it. Need to be in a much more safe situation.
     
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