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Help - trying to connect the dots

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Elle993, Oct 1, 2018.

  1. Elle993

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    You hear people talk about realizing they were gay as an adult and then looking back and connecting the dots. In realizing I might be a lesbian I was reflecting on my past and I feel like there are plenty of aha moments but maybe I’m just making it work to support how I’m feeling now. Anyway, hoping I can share my past to see if anyone feels like these sound like aha moments to you. As a young child I always got along with the boys, out in the dirt, skateboards, marbles, likedwatching He-man and thunder cats and definitely no barbies or wearing dresses for this girl. My best friend in K-2nd was a boy then we moved and my best friend from 3rd-6th was also a boy. I had some friends that were girls. I remember when they were obsessed and hot for the hot boy bands at the time I knew I didn’t feel for any of them like they did. I didn’t get it. I also liked styling my bangs the way the boys did theirs. This was the 80s so picture feathered to one side. For Halloween I dressed up as axI rose from Guns N’ Roses in 4th or 5th grade. In high school my best friend was a girl and we are still best friends to this day. I remember when she had huge crushes on boys and would try to find them in the hallway and obsess about them and I never felt that over a guy. I realize now that I had what I thought were friend crushes on girls. My first job out of college, there was a coworker that I thought about a lot and I would try to eat lunch at the same time or take break etc.. basically acting like my friend did with her boy crushes... only I didn’t realize it at the time and though I just wanted to be her friend. After college I also worked as a server and there was another server who I was instantly attracted to and she was a lesbian. I felt a true crush with attraction toward her but didn’t know what to do with these feelings. I found myself always checking the schedule to see if we had shifts together and trying to look nice on the days I knew she would be there etc. Then I met my now husband and pushed all those confusing feelings to the side.


    The other piece is my experience with men. I have been with several men (10) but had a difficult time being intimate with most of them. I only felt ok being with 3 of them. My first one who was also my first love at 18. He was super sensitive and sweet and gave me a lot of affection but with that sensitivity was also super jealous and it was a long distance relationship and ended after 1.5 yeas. There are several guys who I got along with well and was fine kissing them but when we started to have sex It felt wrong. I had sex maybe 1-3 times with those guys before ending it confused because I thought I liked them but something felt off. The other two guys that I had longer relationships with who I did crush on I feel like maybe it was because they were cocky, confident and maybe a touch of disrespect toward me making me want them (working on that self esteem stuff now).


    Married for 13 years now and the last year I can’t seem to push these feelings away anymore. It’s non stop and I think I want to tell my husband but also worry it’s just all in my head.
     
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  2. Forlong

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    I had crushes on girls as far back as age 5 but I didn’t know what that meant at the time. My brother was my best friend until 3rd grade I wanted to do everything he did. Like pee outside lol and hangout with girls. I would get so jealous of all the things he could do and I wasn’t allowed. My mom didn’t allow me to spend the night at other people houses cause she was afraid boys would be there. She just didn’t know I could careless about boys.I had friends at school but I couldn’t hangout after school . My life was very strict and I was pretty sheltered. So I hung out with my older sisters until 6th grade. A girl my age moved into the apartment we lived at the time. We became best friends so her and I hung out a lot. One day she kissed me at the time didn’t know what gay or lesbian was. I knew the word dyke and it was always used in a derogatory way. I knew from very young age from family it was not accepted. So when she kissed me I was shocked and scared. She promised she wouldn’t do it again. But the next time I kissed her and we eventually started making out all the time. Not long after we got found out and they separated us, she moved away never saw her again. I didn’t have anymore same sex experiences my mom made sure of that. I still wasn’t allowed around boys and now that included girls too. I had a secret boyfriend when I was 17 he was popular and I thought cute at the time. One night we were making out he started stripping me before I knew what was happening. I got scared and tensed up he barely penetrated me but that didn’t stop him he kept going until he finished. Worst moment of my life I didn’t try again until 23. The next guy was nice but he was a player lied about having a another girlfriend. I had a total of (8) guys I’ve been with including my husband but all except my husband I never enjoyed being with. So now I just curious about how my life would have turned out if I was allowed to explore my sexuality. I love my kids unconditionally and I still love my husband just differently now. I completely understand what you’re going through those guys from my pass treated me so horribly that I think he shape my life. I latched onto my husband because he was so sweet to me in the beginning but now we barely talk. He’s emotionally distance it’s hard for me to connect to him I’ve tried. So sorry if I took over your thread with this long post. :slight_smile:
     
  3. Elle993

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    Thanks for sharing. That’s tough about some of your experiences. The furthest I ever went with a girl was having a huge crush and fantasizing about them. But it’s happened multiple times but still it’s confusing to know how legitimate these feelings are without any true experience.
     
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  4. Forlong

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    I imagine it is confusing, and I’m sorry you’re having to go through this, at this moment in your life. Does it make you feel like a young teenager all over again? Starting over trying to figure yourself out.
     
  5. Peterpangirl

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    Imagine you are an elderly woman looking back on life. When you picture never acting on this feelings towards women how does it make you feel?
     
  6. SoulSearch

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    Someone told me straight women don’t sit around wondering if they’re gay. So, that right there is a good clue. I really didn’t have a lot of aha moments - I had intense friendships with girls, but nothing more. I’ve akways had a general attraction to women, but I thought I just admired them or aspired to look like them. Several years ago I had my first blatantly sexual feelings toward a friend. She was very straight and eventually I got over it. Last year I fell hard and fast for a woman and those feelings haven’t faded. I had sex with her and it was wonderful, and I still find myself not quite trusting my feelings. It’s kind of like the movie Groundhog Day —I start questioning and then I think about the pleasure I got being with Her and I think, oh, hell yes, I am very very gay. I have this revelation over and over. I start wondering why my marriage to my husband isn’t enough and then I realize again — oh, yes, I’m a lesbian. It’s odd how even with hard evidence it’s hard to trust our own feelings. Sounds like you have plenty to back you up. My unsolicited advice: figure out what you want to do with your marriage before you meet a woman you want to be with. Being in love with a woman while married to a man is not anything I’d recommend. It’s hard for all of us. Also, therapy.
     
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  7. Elle993

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    Thank you - this is very helpful. It’s funny because one of the things that crossed my mind is if straight girls wonder if they are gay and maybe I fall in that category... but deep down I think I know the truth... I just have a hard time trusting what I feel. I got my husband to start going to couples counseling a few months ago so we could work on better communicating with each other and work on building our connection. In my mind I was unhappy in our marriage and he thought we were happily married until we started therapy and I started to talk about some of the challenges I have with him. I have not told him about questioning my sexual orientation but think it’s time. I don’t have a desire to be intimate with him anymore and I know he deserves to know why. I start to feel confident and clear headed and ready and excited to move forward with accepting that maybe I am gay and should tell him and then moments later I panic that I am making the wrong decision and could ruin our family. I plan on talking to my personal therapist this week about building the confidence to initiate this conversation with my husband. I prefer not to get involved with anyone behind his back which is another reason I should talk with him because I am finding myself noticing more and more women attractive lately so I don’t think these feelings are going to stop.
     
  8. Elle993

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    Yep - there would be regret. Sometimes I think I should wait until the kids are older but then that makes me sad to think of possible missed opportunities for happiness. I know others have questioned this on other threads... putting kids first or living an authentic life. I think this post was due to last minute jitters. I’m starting to feel more and more that I will need to talk with my husband and the reality of this happening soon is making me question and doubt my feelings. But I need to trust what I feel even if there is no actual experience to validate it.
     
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  9. SoulSearch

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    It’s a hard hard thing to have to tell someone who you love. I kept waiting for “the right time” and then ended up hysterically crying after he tried to initiate sex. It was bad timing - we had to get up and get our son to school, but I couldn’t hold it off any longer. I told him I was attracted to women. I think it did make him feel a bit better knowing that it wasn’t really about him. A few weeks later I told him I had feelings for my friend. The worst conversation came later when I told him I want to separate to date her. Still in limbo, but I think it’s slightly easier.

    You’ll figure it out. Eventually you’ll decide how to move forward. Therapy has been really helpful for me and I hope you’ll find support there too.
     
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  10. silverhalo

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    Hey, your story is very like mine except I never met a man. I totally get the whole thinking you just wanted to be friends with someone. I always thought I just wanted a female best friend until I realised I was gay and then I realised actually I wanted a girlfriend.
    It's really tough coming out without the excess baggage of husband and kids. If you can I think it will help to be open and honest with him, I mean sure it doesn't mean it will all go smoothly but at least you won't be hiding the secret. I think you have gotten to the edge of the point of no return, when I was first about to come out I found this to be one of the hardest things, before that it had just been in my head and online but to step over that line and make it in real life can be tough, I had a couple of failed attempts before I managed it. Whilst non of us can tell you for sure you are gay, the things you are saying certainly point that way and for you to have gotten this far I think it's unlikely you are wrong. As for you kids, what they need most are 2 happy parents living truthfully and if you are living in an unhappy situation I don't think they can have that, I'm not saying it will be easy but kids are so intuitive, I think they can sense that they is something not right underneath however well we try and cover it up.
     
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  11. Elle993

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    Thank you. I needed to hear this. A year ago I thought there was no way I would ever tell my husband about these feelings but now...a year later it feels unbearable keeping it in knowing it’s a one layer to why we have distance between us now. I am now envisioning conversations with him about it and the reality is this is making me second guess my feeling and posting threads like this just to make sure ... hey maybe I’m completely wrong. Like you said getting close to the line. I have a tendency to question everything so of course I would be doing it with this as well. I’m so ready to be on the other side of this and feel the relief from it... I’m confident the conversation will happen and just hoping I have the courage to do it sooner before the relationship crumbles more.
     
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  12. Biguy45

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    Good luck
     
  13. silverhalo

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    I always think that's the thing with coming out whether it is to husband or families or friend or whoever. When I first joined EC and people where asking about when to come out. People always used to say 'you will know when the time is right'. I used to read it and think, no way, I'll never be ready. Then gradually over time, things changed and eventually the scales tipped and my fear of coming out became less than my need and desire to be honest and out to someone and I did it.
    You will get there, it's ok to have doubts it doesn't mean you are wrong. :slight_smile:
     
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