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Help Please - Long term, committed relationship - bisexual questioning

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by Jmai96, Nov 5, 2021.

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  1. Jmai96

    Jmai96
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    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    I've been in a very happy relationship with my partner (M) for close to 6 years and have lived my whole life believing that I am straight - until I met someone who I cannot shake. When I first met her I felt an insane pull towards her and definitely felt something for her. But I retreated from those feelings and now, a year later, they are back.

    She asked me recently if I was gay would I date her, I am not sure in what context (joke or not); but it's opened up all the things I was feeling when I first met her. I struggle with self-confidence and have never really thought of myself as appealing for people to want to date.

    I've never even kissed a girl and I don't know what to do. I feel like I want to tell my partner that I want/need to explore these new feelings but am afraid that it will crush him emotionally. I am also afraid that if I do choose to explore these feelings and want to go back to him after all of it things won't be the same.

    On top of everything else I recently drunk texted her that I thought I might be bisexual but that I really wasn't sure.
     
    #1 Jmai96, Nov 5, 2021
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  2. LostInDaydreams

    LostInDaydreams
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    Hi @Jmai96 and welcome to EC. :slight_smile:

    I’m sorry that you’re feeling confused at the moment. It’s completely understandable given the situation that you’re in.

    It’s not uncommon to question your sexuality relatively later in life. We have members who have questioned their sexuality in their 20s, 30s, 40s, etc., so you’re not alone. I was in my late twenties and in a long term heterosexual relationship when I started questioning my sexuality.

    I think there are two things to consider here; your relationship and your sexuality. I know that it’s hard, but it may help to think about these separately in order to try to unpick what’s going on. For example, are you happy and fulfilled in your current relationship? Who do you picture yourself being with in the future?

    When you feel ready to do so, it may be a good idea to talk to your boyfriend. There’s no rush though, so take time to think things through first if that’s what you need to do. How do you imagine that your boyfriend will react?

    Take care. :slight_smile:
     
    #2 LostInDaydreams, Nov 6, 2021
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  3. BiGemini87

    BiGemini87
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    What @LostInDaydreams said is pretty spot-on: the best way to approach this is to weigh how you feel in your relationship against this new discovery. Your situation isn't an uncommon one, sadly; quite a few bisexual people (myself included) come out well after entering into an established, monogamous relationship. The urge to explore the path untravelled is natural, but whether you can act on it ethically or not varies from person-to-person.

    I recommend taking your time to think on the matter, and if you find these feelings are overwhelming and negatively affecting your day-to-day life, you might need to talk to your partner. Communication is absolutely key in a relationship, as is trust--so if you find yourself not only telling your partner that you're bisexual, but that you have a desire to explore, ensure two things:

    1) That if he's not comfortable with it, you'll accept/respect his feelings, and
    2) That he knows the above.

    As for your friend, how did she react to your text (if she has at all?) I think, until you know for certain what path you're going to take, it might be best to dissuade any flirtatious behaviour from her. It might only make things more complicated in the long run.
     
    #3 BiGemini87, Nov 6, 2021
  4. Jmai96

    Jmai96
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    to answer @LostInDaydreams I think he will be surprised and will definitely need to have some time to think about and digest this new information. It may make him wary of my teammates as I play on a women's rugby team.

    I know this may not be true for everyone but I feel like I will have to explore romantic feelings with a woman to really be able to "figure out" my sexuality. Not necessarily with my friend, as @BiGemini87 said, that can lead to complications.

    And as for how she reacted to my texts she was very understanding and said that we could talk about it whenever I wanted. I almost wish I hadn't told her because I don't really know how I'm supposed to explain my thought process without bringing up to her the whole situation.

    I will definitely take my time over the next few weeks to flush out these feelings and to try and figure out my next move. I think I will probably end up telling my partner how I feel; I just have to decide for myself if I want to explore these feelings or not.
     
    #4 Jmai96, Nov 8, 2021
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  5. Jmai96

    Jmai96
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    “It may make him wary of my teammates as I play on a women's rugby team.”

    I don’t think wary is the word I’m looking for here. But maybe more aware, or something along those lines..
     
    #5 Jmai96, Nov 8, 2021
  6. silverhalo

    silverhalo
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    If you want to talk to her about it I am sure you can find a way without admitting that it is her you have been thinking about. It was her that brought up the bisexuality in the first place but at the same time you dont have to talk to her about it if you dont want to or feel that it is right.
     
    #6 silverhalo, Nov 11, 2021
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