Guy hitting on me and I'm turned on? Still need help! SOO CONFUSED!

Hello.

You are gay. You are in denial.
The only reason you are confused at the moment is because you have been socially conditioned to expect to have a wife and everything when you are older. I saw in an earlier thread that you said you aren't emotionally attracted to men... this is also likely because you have been socially conditioned and it will change when you begin to accept yourself.

Keep coming to this forum - its very helpful.

 

Ok, lets just step back for a second here...

Remember that everyone on here are giving advice based on their own experiences and unique circumstances in their own lives. Talking and discussing things are good as it pretty much confirms that 1) you're not alone 2) that there are others who have gone trough what you're going trough and have come out ok on the other side, 3) you can bounce off ideas and thoughts and get someone else's viewpoint on things, a different perspective is sometimes helpful.

That said, it doesn't mean the advice given should always be taken to heart... remember the advice are from ordinary individuals, some who are young with little life experience, some who are old with lots of life experience and everything in-between, everyone on here is unique. Many who are giving advice also still struggle with their own issues and so the advice would basically be infused with their own opinions based on how those circumstances currently affect the struggles in their own lives.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that no one on here can tell you what you are, only you can do that and you can do that by stepping back and analysing yourself.

I don't know whether you have access to a professional councillor or therapist, but if you do it might be a good idea to go and see one. They could help you figure things out and put things into perspective. Also, if you can go see one do a little bit of research to find the right one that would be able to help you with the issues you need to deal with. I think you could ask one of the admins on here and they would be able to point you in the right direction.

As for figuring things out for yourself, ask yourself, if religion, your parents approval, disappointing others, societies view point on orientation etc... if none of those things mattered, if all of it was neutral and you could just be yourself without being worried about being judged or disappointing anyone.... what would you be?

There's so much pressure on everyone to conform to one thing. We all are brought up with the image that we will one day, like our parents, fall in love with the opposite sex, get married, have kids and that's an image we all want for ourselves because that's what we see around us from the majority of people in our society.

Then there's religion, and what we are told to believe growing up. On top of all of that there's society and how we preserve they'll perceive us... more than anything we all like to fit in and be part of the majority... being rejected is a fear any human being has whether they are straight, gay, bi, trans what ever... we all want to be loved, accepted and liked and thats what life is really all about. We survive by being part of the group, or part of the herd if you want, we are not solitary, we need others in our lives. Think about it, if you lived 300 years ago and your community exiled you and you had to live out in the wilderness on your own, chances are you wouldn't survive... so it's ingrained in us to be part of a group for survival.

Funny thing, when I think back to myself as a kid still in kindergarten, one of my favourite games to play was getting married and playing house... So I'd pick the prettiest girl in my class and have these elaborate weddings... actually I should have known back then that I was gay as I was the Wedding planner... lol

We all have dreams of perfect lives for ourselves, in fact so does our parents and I'm saying "does" because they still have those dreams for us until they are confronted with a different set of truths that they have to deal with. In the end, all they really want for us is to be happy and not get hurt.

You've been saying over and over that you fantasise about guys, that girls don't turn you on, that you check out guys and not really girls... that should tell you something about yourself.

I also read between the lines that you'd like to try out girls, because maybe it will turn out that you like them and that everything else was just confusion and that if you actually experiment and have sex with them that that will magically fix all your thoughts and make you suddenly develop feelings for girls.

In my own experience, I pretty much went trough all of the same thoughts and had the same feelings and for myself, nothing changed after having had sex with girls except maybe being even more confused. You have to remember and keep in mind that your body responds to touch... it has no idea who is doing the touching, it is the same sensation, so mechanically if you are rubbed the right way you will have an orgasm and that orgasm will be pleasurable irrespective of whom did the rubbing. So really it comes down to whom you are attracted to, whom you fall in love with, who stimulates your mind, who you think about all the time.... that is so much more than the act of sex could ever be.

I doubt whether having sex with someone is going to change your sexual orientation, it's not going to do that no matter how much you hope and pray that it would. Take it from someone that been there, done that and got the T-shirt. It's not going to clear things up for you, you need to figure out who you are attached to before you even get close to even considering sex.

I think you need to be honest with yourself and identify what it is that you are attracted to. Once you've identified who you really are you can start working on accepting it.

It would be a fruitless exercise trying to figure out what made you gay as it would be a fruitless exercise trying to figure out what made you straight so if I could give you advice from my own experiences I'd say that its something you shouldn't dwell on too long. Rather spend your time figuring out what your heart tells you, not your mind.

This is a good place to talk about things, its a good place for support and it's a huge step forward on your journey to figuring out who you are and self acceptance. I still think it will be massively beneficial to you if you can see a professional to help you trough all this, in the mean time we are also there to talk to, every bit of support helps right?

PS. Don't be too hard on yourself!!! You don't have to figure things out over night, it takes time, but you'll get there...

 

Everyone loves attention. And if that attention is sexual it will elicit similar sexual responses in your body because being desired creates desire. You waking up at night and getting hard was a result of that counter desire. I'm not sure if it's particularly for guys but maybe you should give it a try though.It will give the best answeer to you..

 

You don't and shouldn't give up on family, friends or God and neither should you be afraid of losing any of those things as from what you've said in your previous post I doubt whether anyone would break ties with you just because of your sexual orientation... This has more to do with you coming to terms with yourself than anyone else coming to terms with who and what you are.

The irony of my own life is that it's been an open secret... Everyone assumed I was gay except me... I was in complete denial and tried to play the straight card and so everyone went along with it not to hurt my feelings... From what you described in your other posts it sounds like every one suspects but are going along with your version not to hurt you... Does that sound feasible?

 

Hi confused,

ah, that waking in the middle of the night highly aroused, and suddenly grinding the bed, kissing the pillow passionately...that happened to me just a few nights ago, and I thoroughly enjoyed it.

I only just came out of denial about my sexuality recently. About a month ago. I had to dump any lingering religious baggage about whether same-sex attraction is 'natural' or not. Well I was feeling attracted to this male image, and that thought crossed my mind, "but it's unnatural!" - but then I thought, "what harm, if any, does sex between two consenting adults of the same sex do to anyone at all? The answer is: zero. It is not harmful, just as hetero sex isn't harmful. It's all just sex. Nothing wrong with it, perfectly natural if that's what you feel.
Where are those feelings coming from? Your own body and mind - which is of Nature! And so the feelings are also from Nature! And even if you did 'choose' to consciously explore it, since there's nothing wrong with it, that's ok too."


It didn't take long before my hesitation began to dissipate and I dived in to a world that, for me, is so much more rich and deep sexually. I am currently alone, but even alone the sexual experiences I've had since accepting myself have been the best of my life. I can't wait to find some guy I can get along with, and trust enough to have sex with.

So if you have some doubts you are not alone. But all I can say is, two guys having sex does not hurt anyone, really. So since there is nothing wrong with it at all, not even a tiny bit, then even if you are actually hetero, it still doesn't matter if you also explore gay sex as well. As Freddie Mercury sang,

"This is your life
don't play hard to get
it's a free world
all you have to do is fall in love
play the game
everybody play the game
of love..."

So long as we don't harm ourselves or any one else in the process, we can do whatever we darn well like in this life. We are free. We only need to realize it.

kind regards
beefree

 

That unfortunately goes with the territory. Also - your response made me remember how INCREDIBLY nervous I was when I first admitted to myself that I am gay. It took a while (like 2-3 YEARS) before I was comfortable socializing with gay men. Some of the guys at a gay men's discussion group were actually taken aback with how repressed I was at the time. They were a lot more free and comfortable, and couldn't understand why I had such a hard time with it. I definitely would have been in no mood to go flirt with a guy in a clothing shop.

So now I'll say something different. Don't just go throw yourself at that guy until you've had more time to sort through your feelings.

 

Let me just save you some time, your pretty fucking gay.

 

Thank you, and well, it felt euphoric. I was sort of high on it for about a week...now, the reality of how I feel is becoming more normal for me, but I still feel a perceptible difference in my overall happiness level - it's up (and that's not the only thing that is 'up' more often nowadays )

Regarding your confusion at present - well I'm not 20 anymore but when I was, I was very inexperienced sexually...I was so shy and awkward back then that I had to go to a hooker for my 'first time' (a woman, as I identified as straight at the time, and for years afterwards...) Not that I did not have any opportunities with ordinary folk, though, just that I either did not know 'what to do', or I didn't even recognize them as an opportunity (oh yeah did I kick myself later on for that). Worst of all was my reaction as a teen, when we were all dancing in a big circle at this party, and this lovely, beautiful, dark eyed guy takes my hand in a certain way, secretly, and man was I a fool...identifying as this 'straight bloke', despite my feelings which I even hid from myself, I rejected him outright...detached my hand...what an idiot. I should rather have looked into his eyes, smiled, and we could have ended up making passionate love somewhere in that big, rambling garden, behind some bushes somewhere...DDAAMMNN! :icon_sad:

If a guy hits on you and you feel turned on, you could just go with that and see where it leads. You can't make yourself gay, you know. If those feelings are there, it could be that that's part of the spectrum of your sexuality. Don't worry that you might not 'actually' be gay, or that experimenting with it might risk 'making' you gay. Not that there would be anything wrong with that in any case, however. When I recently realized that there is nothing, zero, zilch, 'wrong' about same-sex attraction, I also realized that this means that even if you choose it, that's still ok. It's a free world. So long as we don't harm ourselves or anyone else in the process, we can do what we damn well like. So I would say, feel free to experiment if you like, cos no harm can come from it. At worst you will find out that you're not gay or bi after all, and at best, you might have the time of your life I was actually going to say, where is this store and can I go there? Every time you talk about it, and that shop assistant, I get this kind of 'interested' feeling, shall we say (ok just kidding, he's all yours my friend )

beefree

 

That's good, cos really it is best to just get to know someone, get comfortable with being around them, get closer when the time is right, etc. Maybe just take small steps. Learn how to better make 'small talk' with people, find a group or club where folks have an interest in common with you, etc. But for me, the best antidote to shyness and awkwardness was when I consciously started making an effort to stop caring what other people thought about me so much. Not to even think about this anymore. So long as you are not doing anything wrong, so long as you are keeping to your life values, why worry about whether others praise or vilify you? Your confidence should flow from within, because in my experience, if we feel ok about ourselves & accept ourselves, that greater peace of mind and happiness results, and we can then be around other people with less trepidation.

kind regards,
beefree.

 

A few weeks ago, my youngest daughter confided to me that she thought she was probably bisexual. In one of those odd coincidences of life, just the day before I had had my own realization that I was probably bi as well, so after affirming to her that that was perfectly fine and ok, I also confided in her. So she was the first. Then I told my eldest daughter. But things have moved on since then. I keep wondering when I will 'go back' to wanting a girlfriend, but it never arrives...From time to time I take another look at my previous 'most beautiful women in the world' images online, and try to get off on them as I used to, but it just doesn't feel the same anymore. I can appreciate their beauty still, but I can't seem to 'get off' on women anymore. I just keep thinking, "oh when will I meet up with and get involved with a nice femme guy?" So I suspect I might not even be bi, but actually gay. But either way that's fine, I will just see how things progress.

More another time, as I really have to clean my house...it's a damn mess in here...

 

I realize that the following statement may be SO questionable for many people here, but I'll say it anyways.

Your dick is a compass. Look to what it was pointing at (metaphorically), and it will usually indicate your sexuality.