Title says it all. Having to jump through hoops to get another lot of anti-depressants. Doctors making it near-impossible. If I hadn't been cutting each tablet in half for the last two weeks to make them go further I'd have run out of any medication. Asked my 'friends' at home if they'd like to celebrate my birthday by going bowling. Just one 'thumbs-up' response. That's all. They never ask me how I am but run to me when they have any problems. I play free therapist to them all. My friend who I live with tells me I can talk to her anytime about what I'm going through but as soon as I do she changes the subject, even if she started the conversation by asking me how I am. I left the LGBTQ+ sports group I used to go to, and now I don't think I can ever go back, even though I'm desperate for connection with other gay people (as friends). I tried connecting with someone there I used to get on well with, but he never aksed how I am, and eventually stopped replying. He didn't even wish me Happy New Year in return. He said he's sure they'd have me back but I'm not sure. I've lived in this city for three years and have made only one friend, who doesn't really care much about me. She has a boyfriend now so we barely see each other, even though we live and work together. No-one at work really cares much about me. All too wrapped up in tueir own problems, which the spend a lot of time telling me about. I get shut down as soon as I start to tentatively mention how I'm feeling. None of them really know me at all. Some of my colleagues have been weird around me since they found out I'm gay too And now I can't see my therapist for another two weeks because of training at work. That'll be over a month since I last spoke to him. I just want connection with people and to feel joy in my days. I am desperate to improve my life, but I can't seem to make headway in any areas. Close to giving up again, honestly. Oh, and who could forget how my energy bills have doubled since last month.
Hey lottaotter, I'm glad to see you're still alive and kickin! I feel for you. That all sounds awful. Move out from those phonies asap, and until then, have you told them how they make you feel?
Let it all out, LottaOtter. January is a sh**** time of year, isn't it? Funnily enough I had a nightmare trying to access my antidepressants this week as well, so I totally hear what you're saying. With other people..I think sometimes it pays not to have high expectations. I have one friend with whom I catch up with occasionally. It can be about 20 minutes of me listening to his (at the moment) minor problems before he finally gets around to asking me how I am. I don't mind. It's just the way he is. He brings something to my life no-one else does. And I've had birthdays when I've managed to get ooh..one or two people out. Everyone else is away, doing something else, 'tired'. You get the picture. Sometimes it's just the way it is. Don't give up. Nice folks are out there. Believe me. It took me a while, maybe one or two years, before I managed to sniff them out down here in London. Persistence always pay off in the end. And remember whatever happens you always have us here too - we think you're fab! Beth
Thank you I was tempted to tell them, but I feel they would just turn it back on me. And I don't know how much of it is just me not sharing or opening up to them. On the other hand, when I feel I have tried to open up, it's met with discomfort. Then again, these are people who can't even talk about who they're dating without acting uncomfortable. Being the 'free therapist' of the group also makes me less able to be open- I feel like I have to be strong for everyone else. But, you're right. I do need to limit my interactions with people who make me feel bad.
I don't know if it makes me feel better or worse that I know people who have similar problems getting prescriptions for things like heart conditions. Maybe it is a lesson in being more assertive; I loathe the idea of having to be 'demanding' but I can see next time I may have to be. Good point; there are other things I value about my friends even though they appear uncaring. I hope I can find people to hang out with. The thing with the running group makes me feel very sad. Kind of grieving the loss of the opportunity I had to try and make connections. I scewed up. I can't decide whether to try and go back and risk being shunned and thus disappointed, or just try to forget about it as it only ever made me feel sad. I just don't know what to do. And I can't get it off my mind. Thank you. I really value the connections I have made on here.
I'm sorry you're still struggling. I know what it's like to think people are your friends only to have them ignore you and treat you like you don't exist because it no longer benefits them to talk to you. Just keep being you and the right people will come along. I keep telling myself that. As painful as the betrayal is, there's nothing I can do about it so the key is to keep moving forwards. Not saying your friends have betrayed you though. Some of them may just not know how to approach talking about mental health etc. But value yourself more than I do please because it's so easy and so unhealthy to get bogged down caring too much what other people think.
You can always go back. I think with all these social interactions you need to work out why you're doing it and what your realistic expectations are of what you're going to get out of it. Are all of these people going to become best mates? No. But if you make one or two genuine connections then that is a start, isn't it? And, of course, you'll improve your fitness. Beth x
Thank you Cinnamoon There is so much advice out there nowadays telling is to 'cut toxic people out' it's so easy to follow that advice and just have a knee-jerk reaction which ends up in me burning bridges. I think a large part of it is my feelings around connecting with others. I think they definitely don't know how to talk about difficult stuff at all. For someone who is never open, any opening up feels like oversharing that a neutral reaction from someone feels like a rejection.
I'm glad you think it could still work out I would like to give it another go at some point. I need to be able to not take it as an excuse to bash myself before I go back. All the people there are into going clubbing and eat, breathe and live LGBTQ all the time. Feeling not educated or posh enough compared to them is tough. And not 'out' enough too. I think I am scared that if I do open up more, they'll find out how I only came out the other year, how I've never had a long-term relationship, been to a gay club, tried drugs, etc. etc. all the other stuff that feels like a social goalpost of how acceptable and cool you are. Thinking about it, the way I felt about the group started to take a turn for the negative when they all were going to Pride, and I wasn't (because I was travelling). I felt ashamed that I'd never been, and was scared to go. I've got to be in a better place mentally before I go back. I'm starting to accept that this was mostly my fault, or at least my thoughts being filtered through the pessimistic lens of mental illness. No-one specifically did anything that proved beyong all doubt that they didn't want me there.
Hey I'm glad you're hanging in there but wish you were feeling better. What is it about that group you want to go back vs other groups you could join? Not a lot of options on Meetup or however one goes about that in your area? I hear you about feeling like you won't fit in and/or they'll judge you. I'm pretty sure it's gotten worse for me as the decades tick by, as a caution, for what it's worth. Somehow we have to stop wanting to be with the "cool" people and find our own coolness haha. You seem like a great guy to me and people there would be lucky to get to know you! There must be some chill, average guys who don't want all the drama and expense of those other guys anyway. Is there a club or start one, something like, Friends of Tom Daley Knitters and other Thread Crafts. That might draw a kind and loving crowd of people and maybe it would go viral and Tom would give a shout out to you all! I'm half joking but also hoping to make you smile a bit I hope. The year is young and so are you, keep your chin up and I'll try too! (my attempt at a short rhyme lol)
