hi!! First off, excuse my english. Haven't practiced at all during quarantine. Second, this might be extremely long, and i'm sorry. I'm just a little bit desperate to understand what's going on. My name is Nico, and i'm going through Hell™ with the gender shenanigans. I told my psychologist about it last week, and will continue to talk about it or the foreseeable future, but i've been trying to get more opinions on the matter all over the internet (real life hates me), so that I know i'm not just faking it, or extremely confused. I first realized that I was a boy something around last week, or the one before. Yes, it does not sound promising. The past nine months, i've been going by agender and using neutral pronouns, because the notion of being female does not appeal to me in any way, and I feel it as a burden, but I couldn't quite put my finger on what I was, not even after I realized that neutral pronouns weren't much of my thing. It didn't work out, as you see; my dysphoria basically peaked during the last weeks, to the point that I started to think about what I should do about it. My first thought, because i'm an idiot, was s*lf h*rm, so that i would focus on another kind of pain. My second thought was that I am an idiot, and to throw away anything that made me uncomfortable, which led to me thinking about what makes me uncomfortable. Well, for starters, boobs. They don't feel like they're mine. I've been perceiving them as some kind of hormonal mess, some disorder that's just making me seem like a woman, and I sincerely thought all girls felt like that. A few conversations indicated that no, girls usually don't think like that. Nor do they feel like their boobs could be easily detached, since they shouldn't be there. Who knows. Then, clothing. And my hair. And my voice. And how short I am compared to other people (guys). The list went on. Once I noticed the pattern, I started to fix these things that bothered me. I have no way to get a binder (nor do I own any sport bras), so that's where all my dysphoria is right now. But I did throw almost all my clothes away, and cut my hair, and am now practicing to lower my voice, while also referring to myself as a boy (online and to myself). And it worked wonders! I feel so much better. But, as you know, the paranoia stays with me wherever the fuck I go, because, even if I can recognize indicators of my gender being male scattered around my adolescence, there's a lot of stuff that doesn't match a normal diagnosis. Like how I didn't have any trouble about this before. The first time I questioned it, I was fifteen, and simply ignored it for almost two years. As if it was just a trivial thing from your normal sunday evening! Can people do that?? I have no idea, but it doesn't feel like it could be ignored so easily. Then there's the gender roles. Y'know, how professionals say that you can tell if a kid is trans by their preferences, and stuff like that. It so happens that, even if I don't wanna wear a dress because of the Dysphoria™, I still love dresses to death. Still watch barbie movies, fucking love glitter and whatnot. Can't help it, and it makes me insecure. While we're at the stereotypes, it could be because I like boys the most. No idea. But now, the biggest issue is the reproductive organs part. I mind the breasts because they're misleading, but can't really think about down there. I don't feel as bothered; yes, it feels wrong, but I can live with it, as long as no one reminds me... but, what if that's the true indicator of me actually being a girl?? If it all centers around sexual organs, is lacking sexual attraction a true reason to not feel that uneasy?? I! Don't! Know! Anyways, sorry for the long read. Hope I'm not bothering people; if I am, I'm truly sorry. I just want to know myself and don't know how.
Welcome, this is a safe place and many people here are able to help. I am not available for practical advice, but I am supportive—Mom stuff.s I am reassured you are already working with a professional. That person can do so much for you, you are smart to use that support!!
Please don't name call yourself. You are having trouble and it is ok to have trouble, but to beat yourself up about it does not help Please do not "edit" out things that might be triggering. It is better to just add a CN so that if people want to they can skip it, if you start misspelling it that makes it so that people cannot hide it. Also just to say self harm should not be a problem it is descriptions of actual self harm that is the trouble. In that case use a CNescription of self harm. The things that you mention do point to dysphoria and it does seem as it if could be real. Often we try to minimize things to explain it away. This is what you seem to be doing here. Yes, it is possible to stuff things down at least for a time. You say "easily ignored" but I doubt that it was actually easy even though you were able to accomplish it. Garbage. I am a woman and I like fixing things a stereo-typically masculine pursuit. I am also good at math. These things do not make me not a women. Men can like and wear dresses (my BF a cis man does though rarely just for fun). Your organs are not what determine your gender. Not every trans man or woman medically transitions and of the ones who do medically transition some only take hormones and do not have surgeries. What matters is how you will best live life. If spending the rest of your life presenting in accordance with stereotypes of your birth assignment and living opposite that is the only way that you can really be comfortable then do so. Though I do say that if you can live within how you are expected to according to your birth assignment then that is probably best. Living as a transitioned person is not easy.
