1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Gay men’s social club

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Gay Brett, Jan 7, 2022.

  1. Gay Brett

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Nov 3, 2021
    Messages:
    122
    Likes Received:
    189
    Location:
    Falmouth
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I am thinking about joining a gay men’s social club in my hometown. They meet weekly for a dinner at different restaurants.

    Doing this will give a chance to make friends with other gay men. Accepting myself as gay later in life has resulted in me not having many friendships with other gay men. Currently my best outlet for being myself in social situations is hanging out with friends who are women who know I like men. But I think having friendships with fellow gays would be nice too.

    I am hesitant and nervous about joining this group because I am not fully out and this may lead to people discovering I’m gay before I tell them myself.

    Would it be better to wait until after I take the step of fully coming out before joining this group and taking part in public social gay activities? There is a good chance I will know guys in this group who I went to school with that could also lead to more people hearing second hand that I’m a homosexual.

    I want to be fully out and live an openly gay life. Having physical relationships with men has given me a joy I never knew I could have and I have no shame in finding men to be gorgeous. In fact I don’t understand why all men don’t see other guys the way straight woman do, but to each their own I guess. So people hearing I gay isn’t a problem. I just wonder if this is a considerate way on my part for the people I’m close to finding out. Not that this would result in a front page story or anything. It’s just I’ve known people for decades and always hid I was gay from them or at least I think I have. Some people I’ve told have reacted by saying, “no kidding. Of course you are.” So maybe I’m over thinking this.

    Anyway if you feel I should enter an openly gay life by first being more direct and honest with those close to me before doing it would be better kindly let me know.

    There are more private support groups I could join that could lead to these friendships but I wish I never hid that I’m gay and being discreet about it holds little appeal to me anymore.

    I think going out to dinner with a bunch of gays would be fun and not caring that people know we are all gay would be a nice chance for me to express some of the gay pride I want to let out. I love that I’m gay and want to be around other men who love being gay too.
     
    CatsAndDogs and Nealg like this.
  2. OnTheHighway

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Oct 9, 2014
    Messages:
    3,932
    Likes Received:
    620
    Location:
    Florida
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Most gay guys understand the need to be discreet if you are not fully out. By some odd chance, if you saw someone you knew or vice versa, why would anyone care one way or another whom you are socializing with. First, it is just a bunch of guys out to dinner. Second, no one where's a sleeve that says "Gay" on it (even if some have effeminate personalities, so what). If someone saw you, you would most likely be the only one that thinks there is a risk.

    Also, you are in Boston. Thats a rather big city. The odds of bumping into people you know are slim.

    If I were in your shoes, I would go for it. The ability to socialize with others, learn from them, make yourself vulnerable, will all go towards helping you fully embrace yourself.
     
    CatsAndDogs and Ipswichfan like this.
  3. Nickw

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Feb 18, 2016
    Messages:
    2,335
    Likes Received:
    1,396
    Location:
    Out West
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
    Out Status:
    Some people
    @Notsureatall

    How we choose to come out is an individual choice. For some, a "grand outing" is something they feel they need to do. For others, a little bit at a time is fine.

    I'm in a tricky situation in that I remain married but hiding out is not something that I want to do. So, my attitude has been to have my gay friends and do what I want to do and if someone "catches" me...so what. I attend Pride, have social outings with gay friends, do gay ski week etc. Yet, I am not "out" to friends and family. I'm sure some know and just don't care.

    So, unless there is someone very close to you that you feel needs to know because YOU want them to know then it is OK to just be yourself.
     
    CatsAndDogs, Nealg and SevnButton like this.
  4. Gay Brett

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Nov 3, 2021
    Messages:
    122
    Likes Received:
    189
    Location:
    Falmouth
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Tha
    Thanks Onthehighway I am thinking about going for it. The town is outside of Boston and small enough where I would both know the people working at the restaurants who would know the reservation is under the gay group’s name and would likely run into other people there I would know while there. But I am gay and am ready to be seen as being this way.

    I have found myself becoming more effeminate now that I no longer pretend to be straight and definitely would not mind other members of this group displaying this behavior in my company. It would actually make it easier to be myself out in public. I know not all gay men are effeminate but I naturally am and have hid this side of me most of my life. I appreciate your encouragement and reinforcing this being no big deal.
     
    CatsAndDogs and Nealg like this.
  5. Gay Brett

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Nov 3, 2021
    Messages:
    122
    Likes Received:
    189
    Location:
    Falmouth
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I am not planning on ever having a grand outing and I think everyone I think needs to know, knows.

    I have been dating men the past two years with the attitude if someone finds out about It I don’t care while not telling anyone except my ex wife and a few female friends. Joining this group at this time is what I want to do. I just think it will bring me closer to coming fully out as a gay man ( which is something I want ) but don’t want to skip steps to doing this.

    I’m glad you are able to remain being married and be with men in a somewhat open way. If you are like me this something we could only hide for so long.
     
    CatsAndDogs, Nealg and out2019 like this.
  6. justaguyinsf

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    May 30, 2016
    Messages:
    594
    Likes Received:
    356
    Location:
    San Francisco, CA
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    A few people
    l think what you're doing is the best way to come out, except for people who would have an actual, personal stake in your sexuality (e.g., a spouse).
     
    Nealg likes this.
  7. bingostring

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Nov 15, 2008
    Messages:
    2,077
    Likes Received:
    107
    Location:
    England
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Some people
    I think entering the group would be a great next step in your life
    and a lot of good can come out of it for you personally

    if you are particularly wary about the first meeting, you could speak to one of the organisers in advance and they could make sure you are looked after

    good luck!!
     
  8. OnTheHighway

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Oct 9, 2014
    Messages:
    3,932
    Likes Received:
    620
    Location:
    Florida
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I ha
    I had a rather similar experience as you when I was embracing my sexuality. And I did attend a social dinner with a large group of gay guys. It was an incredibly liberating experience. At the same time, an incredibly surprising one. I recall having so many stereotypes in my mind as to what it meant to be gay in with this large group many of those stereotypes disappeared. Then I realized there was a lot I needed to learn!
     
    Lyman and Contented like this.
  9. Gay Brett

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Nov 3, 2021
    Messages:
    122
    Likes Received:
    189
    Location:
    Falmouth
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Thanks I will let know how it goes.
     
  10. Gay Brett

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Nov 3, 2021
    Messages:
    122
    Likes Received:
    189
    Location:
    Falmouth
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Thanks I’m going to take this next step :slight_smile:
     
  11. Gay Brett

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Nov 3, 2021
    Messages:
    122
    Likes Received:
    189
    Location:
    Falmouth
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    That liberation is sometime I want. Doing this around people I know I hope will enhance it. It won’t be like I’m making a big statement but rather just engaging in activities that I enjoy. Not everyone has a gay social club in their hometown. I am gay so it kind of feels foolish for me not to want to introduce myself and meet other gay men who live near me. Every step I have taken in accepting my homosexuality has made me a happier person. This group likes expressing gay pride and I want to take part in that. I am still the same person everyone who knows me knows it is just part that person happens to also find men to be attractive and would one day like to maybe have a husband.
     
  12. Contented

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jan 23, 2017
    Messages:
    1,361
    Likes Received:
    2,068
    Location:
    Upstate NY
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    These are very powerful sentences and so very true for those of us who later in life can finally embrace who we really are. I remember feeling the liberation and freedom when I finally admitted to myself I was gay. I felt that same feeling when for the first time I acknowledged to others that I was gay and then again when for the first time the man I was dating referred to me as his boyfriend as we were in a social setting. I felt as if I had finally past the last hurdle in becoming an openly gay man. I was so proud that day the all the hiding, self doubt, reservations and second guessing was over. I was gay and now everyone knew it. Loved the feeling. So I guess my point is join the group, finish the process of coming out so you can live the gay life you desire. This is just another in steps you need to take to fully embrace who you are. For all intents and purposes you are already out as a gay man. Make it “official”.
     
    #12 Contented, Jan 8, 2022
    Last edited: Jan 8, 2022
    CatsAndDogs likes this.
  13. Gay Brett

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Nov 3, 2021
    Messages:
    122
    Likes Received:
    189
    Location:
    Falmouth
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    So awesome that you love the feeling of everyone knowing you are gay! I share this feeling on a small scale with the people who already know I’m gay. Because of this I have never told any of them to keep it a secret as I was very much alright with myself being gay before I told them I had a boyfriend or when I confirmed their suspicions ( this happened with three different women who don’t know each other ) Before I had been with a man I always denied this when asked. It did not happen a lot but once in a while it would. Which in hindsight makes sense because I’ve been gay my whole life even if I didn’t recognize it. But the feeling I got after having sex with a man made me think this is something I can’t deny. So when asked after this the answer quickly changed and the feeling of being honest about it was comforting. In the back of my mind I was thinking how hot men are and of course I’m gay. What guy in his right mind wouldn’t be? Of course I don’t say this out loud. But did say yes with some pride I think. I should say a straight guy has never asked me this though and I do wonder if I would still be as up front about it. I like to think I would.

    I reached out to the group and am going to try and attend their next get together. They also have a social media page on a popular site that would really kick this coming out and living fully open as a gay man into high gear if I join it. To this point nothing on my profile there indicates that I like men. A big part of the liberation I seek is to be able to join this page without a second thought like I would with one that was about the Red Sox.

    By taking this step too I would be freed up to join other gay groups or like and comment on a picture of a cute guy a woman posts that she finds sexy and not have to think about who saw that I did this. For I the platform would have already announced in a way to everyone that knows me there that I am gay.

    But before I do this I will meet with my fellow neighboring gays in person and see how well I fit into this group. Wish me luck. I want to fully embrace who I am even more. The gay life I desire includes being social in public with men who are like me and having the gay men who live near me know I am gay too.
     
    out2019 and Contented like this.
  14. Gay Brett

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Nov 3, 2021
    Messages:
    122
    Likes Received:
    189
    Location:
    Falmouth
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    My search for making new gays friends is going to need to take a different path than spending time in this group. Political activism is a big part of it for them and I have no interest this. To be honest I was hoping to hang out and talk about cute guys instead it felt more more I joined a book club but instead of everyone talking about the same book they read it was a cable news program they all watched.

    To each their own I say but I don’t get that being gay for some means you need to be as equally into politics as you are into men. This assumption that because I liked D that was a big time D too I found strange.

    As much as I don’t really fit in with my straight male friends there is a part where I do. I don’t really know their politics and mutually don’t care what they are. I am sure not all gay social clubs are like this but this one was not a good match for me.

    However, on the bright side I do think this helped me come further out of the closet. Which is where I want to be. I ran into people I knew and when asked who I was there with I told them and said yes I am gay. Doing this felt nice and one of the girls with them winked at me as if she always knew.
     
    CatsAndDogs likes this.
  15. Qrex9871

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jan 28, 2022
    Messages:
    21
    Likes Received:
    22
    Location:
    California
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    Well, good on ya @Notsureatall for taking that step! This group didn’t work out … maybe there are others? I would love to join the Gay Men’s Chorus. Do you think it will be easier to look into other groups now that you have the experience of looking into this one?
     
  16. bingostring

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Nov 15, 2008
    Messages:
    2,077
    Likes Received:
    107
    Location:
    England
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Some people
    Sorry it didn’t work out but good you came to a quick conclusion.
    But don’t give up.
    Search online for other groups.
    Maybe some groups that are further away may be worth the extra effort. (Google Easton Mountain. Not far from you)
    Some special organised weeks or weekend events may be a really good experience
    And just non- gay groups may get you meeting more people and a “bigger net” will catch you some interesting friends
     
    Gay Brett likes this.
  17. Robyn mac

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Oct 14, 2018
    Messages:
    179
    Likes Received:
    131
    Location:
    Long island ,ny
    Gender:
    Other
    Gender Pronoun:
    Other
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Some people
    How about meetup. T hey have many gay groups in Boston.
     
    Gay Brett likes this.
  18. Gay Brett

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Nov 3, 2021
    Messages:
    122
    Likes Received:
    189
    Location:
    Falmouth
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Yes I believe it will. I want my life filled with more gay men in it and I don’t regret going to this get together. It felt good to be out in public being associated as one of them. Of course not everyone there know we were a bunch of gays but it was pretty obvious and i did like that.

    Looking back I think I was always jealous of openly gay men and now it’s exciting to start to become one. The highlight of the night was definitely telling olds friends I went to high school with, that happened to be there too, that I was gay. Before they left one of the girls asked me if I wanted them to keep my being gay private and I almost said yes, but didn’t and told her i was very happy to be coming out of the closet and wish i did it back when we went to school together. I ended it by saying definitely not if you know any cute single guys.

    You should absolutely join that chorus if you want to. I bet that would be super fun.
     
  19. Gay Brett

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Nov 3, 2021
    Messages:
    122
    Likes Received:
    189
    Location:
    Falmouth
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Th
    Thanks I will do that :slight_smile:
     
  20. out2019

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Sep 1, 2018
    Messages:
    883
    Likes Received:
    736
    Location:
    us
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Straight
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Thanks this is really important to remember. Sometimes it's important to look back and remember how awful in the closet and denial was -and the guilt after sexual fantasizing.

    When I first accepted myself, I immediately had this desire to tell some close friends that I was gay. The people I have told I feel so much closer and authentic with, but I also stopped there.
    I thought the best thing to do was just live my life forward and tell people or people would find out on a need to know basis. Its more like walking away from the shell of an old life and creating a new one. But also part of me loves the idea of this feeling - completely freeing!
     
    CatsAndDogs and Gay Brett like this.