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Friendly encouragement/advice?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by SariahMichelle, Dec 11, 2021.

  1. SariahMichelle

    Regular Member

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    Location:
    NC,USA
    Gender:
    Female (trans*)
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
    Out Status:
    A few people
    So I need some... Motivation to help come out as trans to my family (it's literally just my grandmother). I recently had to move back in after a very bad 2yr relationship, and I'm pretty sure she has found some of my clothes and makeup. I say that because my padded bra went missing and she left remover wipes by my room one night lmao. She probably just thinks I'm crossdressing or something, but she really isn't the type to support LGBTQ+ issues or rights. I don't want to tarnish what little of a relationship we have left, but it's quite upsetting locking my self away in my room so I can feel comfortable and be myself.
    Thank you!
    Sariah- she/her.
     
  2. Y2B

    Y2B
    Full Member

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    Location:
    East Europe
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    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    First i would try to find out how much she don't like people like us. Is it deep enough so she could reject you? You said she found some items of yours; did she talk about that with you?
     
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  3. quebec

    Moderator Full Member

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    Gay
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    Some people
    I don't know if you want to find a way to live with your grandmother without coming out to her or if you think that you should/need to come out to her. If it's the latter then I sometimes suggest that a letter or email (in this case a letter :old_smile: ) may be a better option than a face-to-face confrontation that can turn bad quickly. Here are two sample letters that you could edit to fit your circumstances if you feel like a letter would work for you.
    .....David :gay_pride_flag:

    Letter 1
    Dear [parent],
    This letter is a bit difficult for me to write, but I feel that it is important for me to write it. There is something I have been carrying inside of myself for some time now, and I now feel ready to come to you with it.
    I am transgender. Specifically, I identify as [insert gender identity here], which means that I [insert either the proper definition of your gender, or the most easily understood explanation for your gender identity that you feel they will understand (i.e. “I feel like a girl on the inside.”)].
    I know this may be a bit difficult to understand at first, and it may be very new to you, but it is something I have known for some time. I trust you with this information about who I am, and I would like if in return that you start calling me by my chosen name, which is [if applicable, here], and using my pronouns, which are [here].
    I plan to [insert aspects of social transition you plan to pursue here, such as changes to your presentation. If you plan to pursue a medical transition in the near future, such as hormone replacement therapy or surgery, you may mention this here, too.] This is to help me feel more at home in my body as well as the world, and it’s a feeling I hope that you can understand.
    I’m still your child, with the same likes and dislikes – I’ll just be living more authentically as the true me. And I know that you may have some slip-ups calling me [Name] or using [pronouns] at first, and that is okay. I would just like to know that you are trying your best to learn, understand, and support me. If you do slip-up, you do not have to make a big deal out of it. Correcting yourself is enough for me to see that you care about and respect who I am.
    If you have questions, I want to talk about them and help answer them. I also understand you may want to speak with other parents of trans children to learn more. There are plenty of resources for parents and families in person and online, and I am happy to show you some of them.
    Thank you for your understanding and your support,
    [Your name]


    Letter 2
    Dear Friends and Family,
    For months, I have wrestled how best to address speculation concerning a major change in my life. To most of you, this will come as a shock. It is not my intent. However, there really is no other way to convey what I’m dealt with, why I sought help, and what has taken place. It has taken many rewrites, prayer, thought, knowing what I’m about to share, will be controversial for some and difficult for most to digest. However, I felt it was needed in order to close out this chapter not leaving you speculating.
    From the outside looking in, I suspect one would have thought I lived the good life. In many ways I did. However, in many others, this was not the case. They say, never judge a book by its cover. Well, in my case, you were just seeing the cover. Inside was something much different. Much like a tsunami coming ashore without warning, so too was my life, shattering dreams, hopes, promises and expectations. No one knew the internal struggle, nor the pain I have lived with most of my life, including my own family. Deep inside, I was hurting but could not tell anyone out of fear of rejection.
    In short, my brain does not; has not; nor ever will; identify with my anatomical sex assigned at birth. The diagnosis is “Gender Dysphoria.” Unlike most medical conditions, you can’t see what I have. Ultrasounds cannot measure it, MRI’s cannot scan it, and blood work cannot identify it. Confirmation of diagnosis is through relief of symptoms found though medical intervention. Just like most diseases or birth defects, there is no clear cause.
    They say the hardest step in fixing a problem is admitting you have one. I had one, but I couldn’t face it. Time and time again, throughout my life I tried to run from it, but it wasn’t going away. Since early childhood, I tried to mirror my behavior like that of my father and other male role models, thinking my actions would ultimately program my thinking. It was a false assumption, but for a child I knew no better.
    This carried over into adult life as well, thinking if I just overcome the next hurdle; sooner or later, my brain would be normal. I prayed it away, suppressed it, joined accountability groups but nothing changed. My brain could not relate to men, yet I kept going through the motions, playing a role so that I could be accepted. Over time, it has taken a toll on me to the point I was beginning to check out on life.
    I spent a considerable amount of time studying “Gender Dysphoria,” seeking answers to what I was living with. Endocrinologists, psychologists and other experts in these fields gave me insight as to why I was suffering. In short, I was told this was biological in nature, and nothing could be done to change it.
    Popular belief outside of the medical community holds that people with “Gender Dysphoria” are “Gender Confused.” This is far from the truth. No one would choose to undergo a drastic change, being “Confused.” We are born with it and is inherent with us from our earliest recollection.
    Within weeks of beginning hormone drugs, the anxiety I lived with most of my adult life began to fade. Never before, had I felt such comfort. The need to focus on concentrating was no longer there. The war going on inside my brain was subsiding to the point of tranquility. No amount of therapy, suppression or mind altering games, could provide such a relief.
    To you, my friends and family who are reading the news for the first time, I am sorry if this has hurt you in any way. It was never my intent. You are receiving this letter because you have impacted my life in some way, and I will forever be indebted to you. Although my heart and desire is to remain your friend, I recognize to some this may not be the case. I am okay with that. However, I want you to know, you will always have a special place in my heart and I will treasure the memories.
    (Your Name)
     
    #3 quebec, Dec 13, 2021
    Last edited: Dec 13, 2021
    TinyWerewolf, BiGemini87 and Rayland like this.
  4. SariahMichelle

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Dec 11, 2021
    Messages:
    4
    Likes Received:
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    Location:
    NC,USA
    Gender:
    Female (trans*)
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Wow thank you for the great suggestion! I was contemplating making a pamphlet of sorts my grandmother could look through (maybe put it in with her mail/newspaper one day? ). In the past few days over the holidays I have been more open with her; wearing clothes and the like. She didn't react well at first and keeps asking me if I'm "gay". Lately she seems to be more questioning than flat out abrasiveness, but not actually asking the right questions. It's complicated but it makes for a good laugh once in a while, have to be somewhat lighthearted about it .