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Five Years Later

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Confused54, Aug 6, 2021.

  1. Confused54

    Regular Member

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    Out to everyone
    Back in August 2016 I came out, first to my wife of nearly 35 years and then to other family members and friends. It wasn't an easy time, full of angst and confusion like so many people on this forum. At her suggestion, I had a few sessions with a therapist who helped me work through the confusion and accept my sexuality for what it is.

    We finalized our divorce in late February, 2017 but have continued sharing a household (at her suggestion).

    In April 2017 I met a wonderful man who shares my values, interests, and sexual desires. We decided we were officially boyfriends over a Memorial Day weekend camping trip that spring. He officially joined our household in September 2017, although he'd been spending many nights before that. My ex had expressed interest in having a third roommate, both for company and conversation and to help with expenses. When I suggested my boyfriend be that roommate she agreed, saying, "I like B."

    B and I decided in August 2019 to get married and formalize our relationship. We pulled off a small outdoor wedding in our backyard, in the midst of Covid, in July 2020 so we've just recently celebrated our first anniversary and couldn't be happier.

    The three of us continue to share a household, which is a somewhat uncommon arrangement but is working for us. My ex stated recently that she's thinking of moving across the state to the town where our grandchildren live with their parents. Other than the financial burden of buying out her share of our property (which has nearly doubled in value since we bought it) B and I are supportive of her plan. We're looking forward to having the place to ourselves and not worrying about needing to be somewhat discreet in our love of naturism.

    This forum was tremendously helpful to me as I worked through the coming out process. So, too, were a handful of good friends and a fair number of looser acquaintances. For me, it was important to talk through what I was experiencing in my head. B came out about the same time I did and also divorced his wife. He doesn't have much contact with her at this point and has a father who I've never met because he says gay guys aren't welcome on his property. So while B and I have it very good together, all is not as positive with his family. But my family has welcomed him completely, including my 90+ year old mother-in-law.

    Another connection that has helped both me and B accept and embrace our gay sexuality is the radical faeries. There's a strong faerie community in the Pacific Northwest and we've attended three faerie gatherings with some of the most open, sharing, creative, and eccentric gay men you can imagine. I learned of the faeries from someone I met on ###### who became a friend (as well as a good f**k).

    Bottom line: coming out was hard and it took time to work through all the emotional baggage, questioning, and self-hate. Five years in it turns out to be the best thing I could have done. Many people have commented on how much happier I look and I know I feel much better about myself than I did in the years immediately preceding my coming out. If you're still struggling, which you probably are if you're on this forum, know that it does get better.
     
  2. Chip

    Board Member Admin Team Advisor Full Member

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    Thanks so much for sharing your story, and especially about your nonconventional arrangement. It sounds like a really wonderful and ideal situation for you, and that it has worked out for your former wife as well. I hope you'll stick around and offer input and suggestions to others now and then!
     
  3. CharlieLuca

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    It's really nice to hear your story. :slight_smile:
     
  4. Ingvermama

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    Wow, I would love this arrangement.
     
  5. Choirboy

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    It's kind of amazing to remember all of the churning and emotional misery of the early stages of coming out, and then look at out lives now and realize how far we have come.

    My guy and I went to the local county fair last weekend (my now-20-year-old daughter was getting last year's scholarship because the fair was cancelled due to COVID), We sat with my ex-wife and her mother and as always had an animated and friendly conversation (except that she was working some booth or other as she does every fair and was stressed and crabby, and I said a mental "thank you" that I didn't have to go home with her!). We also ran into my daughter's future in-laws, a couple with a mini-farm who raised sheep and other animals, and had wonderful conversation about our kids' relationship with one another.

    We had parked at our house (still shared ownership, and around Christmas she is leaving town with her boyfriend and we are moving into the place). On the way back we ran into our longtime next door neighbors who were delighted that we would be moving in and realized that we had been together around 7 years and asked if we had gotten married yet, asked about his kids, pets, working from home etc.

    I realized very quickly that my coming out was actually yesterday's news and the neighborhood gossips had moved on top the latest infidelities and surprise babies and drug-addicted family members, and the guy down the street who left his wife and moved in with another guy was ancient history. The people in the neighborhood who remembered me and had actually known me were beyond the surprising events of 2014, and many of those who had been there were replaced by new people for whom we will just be those 2 older guys with all the dogs who are clearly very much in love with each other.

    As you are making the tough decisions, or living through the painful adjustments and frustration and sometimes misery, remember that the time goes by remarkably quickly and will blur and erase the worst of it if you allow it to. If your goal is happiness, not only for yourself but for the people you love, keep that goal in mind and work towards it. There may be people who will stand in your way but in the end they will be the miserable ones, not you,
     
  6. Contented

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    This is such a wonderful uplifting success story. We need more positive stories like this. Thanks for sharing your amazing adventure.
     
  7. meltyblood

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    What a wonderful story. Happy for you! It's also nice to see so called "unconventional" arrangements in households, as I think I'm a part of a relationship that many people would call "unconventional." Glad to see you're happier :]
     
  8. OnTheHighway

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    Congrats on embracing yourself and following your life journey to its next appropriate chapter!