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Feeling trapped: why is life so bloody hell for us?

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by Warrior999, Jan 7, 2022.

  1. Warrior999

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    I have made a few posts about my background, but to those who do not know it, let me start again. I was born in a Muslim family in a South Asian country, and have lived a very difficult life since childhood due to struggles with my sexuality and also long-term depression and anxiety. I came out to my mother on 2015, and then she told my father, and overtime I came out to my cousin, another person, and a few of my family members know through my parents. Despite coming from a deeply religious and conservative Muslim family, they have been quite tolerant of it (they may not personally like it, but at least they were not abusive, and allowed me to live life like I want). I went abroad (Canada) in 2018 and stayed there for nearly 3 years. That said, my sexuality is the “elephant in the room”: they generally avoid this discussion, and people around my social circle aren’t very kind to it. My sister has also been pretty homophobic in the past.

    Anyway, life in Canada was so much better. I joined rainbow rallies, participated in pride parades, and though I am still in the closet to most people here, I did manage to live the life I wanted. Just seeing those rainbow flags plastered all over the walls and streets, going to gay bars and simply being in such a LGBT-friendly country was like a dream come true.

    I got a Master’s, also started a degree and was in the process of getting a PR. Everything was going well. Until suddenly, out of nowhere, I had a panic attack, followed by 2 months of severe depression. I could barely move or go out of my bed. I was having a panic attack every single day. I got suicidal and had to leave my job. There was no other way but to come back to my home country, which I did.

    I’ve been back to my home country for about 4 months now, and my health is a lot better. I have VISA, Work Permit and everything and I can go back to Canada anytime now. However, a few considerations:

    - What if my health deteriorates again? What if I go through those terrible depressive episodes and panic attacks? Not a chance in hell I can survive in Canada with that. That alone makes me terrified to go.

    - With the way Omicron is increasing, they might close the border again. It’s now or never. Yet going right away is scary – I would have liked to stay here a few more months but it seems they might close the border again.

    - My mother is sick and I hate to leave her.

    But I hate this country. People are so homophobic. Literally went to a get-together and some of my ‘friends’ were cracking gay jokes. I can’t even go to a public place as people keep asking me about girlfriend/wife.

    But my prospects in Canada seems pretty grim. With my declining mental health, I am scared to go there. And with Omicron spreading like wildfire, I don’t even know if I can make it. But no chance in hell I will stay in this country forever.

    If only society wasn’t so homophobic, if only I was born in a better society where this issue was socially acceptable. And it’s not just me. I do have contact with some LGBT groups in my country, and they are facing constant death threats and whatnot… why is life so bloody hell for us LGBT people?

    I feel trapped, but don’t see a way out.
     
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  2. quebec

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    Warrior.....I am so sorry for what you have been through. It all sounds very difficult. I have had to deal with depression in the past and I know how bad that can be. I've only had one panic attack in my life and it was really horrible...I can't imagine what it must be like to have them so often. So from me to you ***HUGS*** If you haven't arranged to see a therapist, I hope that you do so. That would probably work best for you in Canada. I really hate to suggest that you leave your family, but I think your best chance for a bright future is in Canada. If you can work with a therapist to get the depression and panic attacks under control, then there are so many more opportunities for you in Canada. Finding a therapist was one of the best decisions that I ever made. He helped me so much to overcome my depression. I had deep shame, guilt and depression linked to rejecting my sexuality. When I finally accepted that I am and always have been gay, I started on the road to recovery. Connecting with a good therapist that worked with the LGBTQIA+ Community was the next step and I can say now that the last six years or so have been some of the best in my life. Also...our LGBTQIA+ Family is so much more accepted in Canada than in almost all parts of Asia. Please think about this and get back to us with how you feel about it! :old_smile:
    .....David :gay_pride_flag:
     
    #2 quebec, Jan 7, 2022
    Last edited: Feb 13, 2022
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  3. Warrior999

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    Hi Quebec. Like I said in another thread, I have read many of your posts, and your life story seems deeply tragic but at the same time inspiring to me. I have real respect for you and I hope to talk with you sometime.

    I will definitely go back to Canada. There is no question or doubt about it in my mind. I mean my work permit/visa is valid for more than 2 years now so going back is not an issue. In fact I am trying for PR.

    But I wanted to stay here in my home country for a few more months, get better and then go. problem is ... with the way Omicron is spreading, I am suspicious they will close the borders again. It's still open so it's better for me to go immediately but I am at a loss. What if I get back into that depressive state again???

    If not for Omicron, I would have stayed here a bit longer and then go. But Omicron is making it difficult. I want to go but ...afraid.
     
  4. quebec

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    Warrior.....Thank you for your kind words. We all have things in our lives that are difficult, however, those are the very things that shape and form us into the kind of person that we are. If everything in my life...and for that matter in your life...were happy and easy, we would never be able to handle the difficult times that come to us. I did lose my Tim in a way that nearly destroyed me. And when I remembered him I was again devastated. With the help of Empty Closets and the therapist that I've been speaking of I was able to overcome that and can now look back at my time with Tim with happiness. And in the meantime I have been blessed with three wonderful sons, three beautiful daughters-in-law and eight incredible grandchildren. Was it a fair trade? I don't know and can never know, but I am as I said blessed. Will you have more panic attacks if you move to Canada? Hard to know. Are you willing to risk not being able to return against that possibility? Do you think that you can connect with a Doctor and/or a therapist to help you with all of this if you move back to Canada? Would you have the panic attacks anyway if you stay where you are and can you find a therapist where you are who would help you with LGBTQIA+ situations? You need to answer those questions as well as you can and then make your choice. I would say that, with the covid situation as it is, that you need to be very serious with yourself and make those choices as soon as you can. I'm not you, and I can not make those choices for you...but I really do think that your land of opportunity and health is Canada...as soon as you can. I say that purely out of concern for your health...both physical and mental. But the choice is yours. Please keep us updated on how all of this goes! :old_smile: Remember, you are a part of our LGBTQIA+ Family, and we do care!
    .....David :gay_pride_flag:
     
  5. Warrior999

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    I don't know about Tim. Maybe we can talk in private, if you'd prefer that.
    Yeah I am making arrangements to go there, like looking for accommodation etc. I'll post first thing in Empty Closet once I reach there, and put up a diary/journal blogging my gay life there hahah.
     
  6. quebec

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    Warrior.....I'm glad to hear that you are returning to Canada! :old_big_grin: My reference to Tim was to my boyfriend/FWB/lover/soulmate who died many years ago. Somehow I thought you knew the story. It was a very black time in my life. We can continue to talk about this or anything else that you'd like to discus, either here or as a Private Message. You can always send a Private Message to a Staff Member. I'm looking forward to that first post from Canada!! :old_smile: In the meantime...you can still send messages from where you are and we will be here for you!
    .....David :gay_pride_flag:
     
  7. Warrior999

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    Ok, I will PM - better to talk about these issues privately.

    I am making arrangements to go. I just got my accomodation (house i.e. rented a room). Talked with the landlord, and got it for February. Plus I already got VISA + Work Permit. Now I will try to come by February - or highest mid February.

    Thanks <3
     
  8. bingostring

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    Did you work out where the panic attacks came from/ what caused them?
    If you can understand them / accept them you may find you can deal with them with less fear and stop them controlling whether you return to Canada or not
    Your overall “best place to be” seems to be Canada where you can build a new life
     
    #8 bingostring, Jan 10, 2022
    Last edited: Jan 10, 2022
  9. DragonChaser

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    I do not mean to exacerbate your feelings of frustration, but I share them myself. When I think of our brothers, sisters, and other siblings around the world who face physical harm, ridicule, and even death on a daily basis, I just get angry, scared, and sad.

    And I empathize with your fears about relapse. I have them too. I suffer similar mental illness. The important thing to do is to stick to the regimen. Take your medication as prescribed by your doctors, find a therapist who can work with and relate to you, get a support network in place, and don't be afraid to talk.

    If you've come this far, I believe you can make it. I hope everything turns out for the best. If something goes wrong, you've always got people who understand you in us. :hugging:
     
  10. calmac

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    I was born in Canada and know from experience that we have great resources for panic and depression (and just about everything else). Moving anywhere is stressful but coming from another culture and country would amplify it. I moved to Toronto many years ago and burst into tears when I got off the plane as it was so different than the Canadian city that I was from. I admire your bravery to make such a significant change.

    Panic and depression is treatable and manageable - I have both and have managed well my entire life.
     
  11. Warrior999

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    So moving from one city/province to another caused so much grief/stress? Just imagine shifting country !!! But first time I moved, everything went so smoothly. From settling to getting a Master's to adjusting. Now I only have panic and stress thinking of it. My flight is just one week away. I am beyond stressed. But I will take the chance - last time I went, I was just as stressed and maybe things will change for the better.
     
  12. Warrior999

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    My flight is in a few days. I am nervous, anxious, scared but strangely excited all at the same time.
     
  13. Warrior999

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    I have reached Canada (Toronto) safely without any problems. I had to test again at the airport and will have to quarantine until I test negative. So I will be staying inside until I get my results. After that, I will start exploring my gay life. First place I will visit: Church Street. I have been there like 3 years ago... can't wait to go there again.
     
  14. Warrior999

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    I will update my progress on exploring my gay side in Canada here...or make a blog on it.
     
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  15. Warrior999

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    Just wanted to update: it's been 3 months in Canada now. Got a job in a bank, working for it and everything going well. Haven't been able to explore my gay side that much due to being busy and stuffs, but well ... there's a hell lot of time. :slight_smile: Thank you everyone who encouraged me to go there.
     
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  16. bsg75apollo

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    @Warrior999 I just wanted to point out something. Your screen name is Warrior999. You chose it for a reason, you are a warrior. Tough, fearsome, and ready to defend yourself against all challenges.
     
    #16 bsg75apollo, May 24, 2022
    Last edited: May 24, 2022
  17. PrettyBoyBlue

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    Great to read your update; I hope you were able to lock in whatever mental healthcare you decided you needed, if any.

    Looked at some of your photos last week, very cool to see. I'm not a city person right now, but it reminded me of my time in Boston during Pride.
     
  18. Warrior999

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    Aww thank you. I chose this username back in 2010 or so when I was deep in the closet, and had very little friends or support system to fight through this. But though I did not have the courage to face society, I still had the courage to face my inner self (something most gay guy would be unable to do in a place like where I came from). Hence I kept the name warrior. This is my moniker in many (gay) forums out there.

    Thanks for the reminder. :slight_smile:
     
  19. Warrior999

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    Thanks! Pride is next month and my office is planning something big for it and I am so excited :slight_smile:
     
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