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feeling guilty for my opinion on my dad because of his diagnosis

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by mavericksterr, Dec 5, 2022.

  1. mavericksterr

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    okay so my dad makes me extremely uncomfortable. i have ptsd and he sets it off. he’s abusive to everybody around him and makes my home life a living hell. i feel unsafe around him, but have nowhere to go. well, we found out that his behavior is because of bpd, and that he’s cycling really really bad. part of me feels guilty for hating him, but part of me doesn’t care; he’s hurt me and my family countless times and i’m fucking tired of it. i don’t know what to think or do. i feel so lost.
     
  2. BiGemini87

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    Hello, @mavericksterr. First of all, I'm sorry you're going through this; as a survivor of childhood abuse, I know how deeply it can take root, and how hard it is to overcome (much less when you're still in the thick of it). Second of all, your empathy is understandable: it's admirable that you've taken this time to try to understand why he is the way he is. That said, you have nothing to feel guilty about, because you're right--regardless of his mental health diagnosis, there is absolutely no justification for your father being abusive towards you/your family. Having BPD doesn't give him a hall-pass to be horrible to others; as the adult between the two of you, it is his job to seek professional help and work through his issues in a healthy, productive manner. It very much sounds to me like he didn't bother, and in all likelihood justified his actions as something to the effect of, "This is just the way I am".

    You are under no obligation to forgive him for past/present behaviour. If he wants to make amends, then the heavy-lifting is up to him, and it has to be genuine remorse without expectation from anyone he's hurt.

    If you ever need to talk/wish to go more in-depth into your story in a safe, private way, please feel free to reach out to either myself or another advisor. We're here to help in whatever way we can.
     
  3. bsg75apollo

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    Living with someone who has bipolar disorder is difficult to say the least. My ex-wife has bipolar disorder and i dealt the death blow to th marriage. It is exceedingly difficult to tell where the BPD ends and their actual personality begins and even if there is such a point. I don't know if I have any advice, but at the least I can say is, I get it.
     
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  4. Aeolia

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    things happened and you got hurt, you shouldn't be carrying any additional burden. you need to heal and look out for yourself first and foremost. guilt is not something you should be feeling. if hating him helps you feel better, then please do hate him as much as you want.

    whether it was his disorder doing the bad things or not, you don't owe him forgiveness or care.
    if he has BPD (whether you meant Borderline Personality or Bipolar), he needs professional help. if he does seek help, then maybe there is a future in which you don't hate him. (and I don't mean being cool with him, I just mean not hating.)
    if he does not, then I think you should try to find a safe way to be independent as quickly as you can.

    and if you can, seek help as well.
     
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  5. Tightrope

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    It's too bad that this is going on. Can someone outside of the situation help or will that trigger more anger? Abusers don't want to be confronted that therapy is in order for their wrongdoings and they don't want to be in therapy because I don't think they want to change. They'd lose power.

    Other psychological problems and diagnoses are commonly more known to present for therapy.

    Is being on your own or living in a supportive environment too early for you or just not something you can afford right now? I do fairly well living on my own. I prefer it.

    Forgiveness is tricky. It can be a temporary bandage and then a "hall pass" to do it all over again. I've seen this with abusive people. Then, instead of forgiving after you've forgiven many times, you have to walk away.

    I feel for you. I deal with depression, but I'm unipolar - regular mood or down mood. Everyone who I know who acknowledges depression seems to be unipolar. Within the last few years, I met the first bipolar person I know - a woman who is just a friend. It's mostly the manic phase that causes the problems, when they are out of control, say things they shouldn't, and are delusional and what should make sense doesn't. I eventually walked out of the friendship. She was too high maintenance, even as a friend, and I won't ride that roller coaster. I feel that I'm fairly considerate: if I'm in a down cycle, I also tend to be out of sight and not weighing people down.
     
  6. Tightrope

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    This, in bold, is important. I was thinking the same thing. I've seen BPD be the acronym for Borderline Personality Disorder. I don't know what it is for bipolar. Major depressive disorder is MDD.

    Another pair where they could seem close is Antisocial Personality Disorder and Avoidant Personality Disorder, but they're not. Antisocial is APD, but Avoidant seems to be abbreviated as AvPD. APD is far from not being sociable. It's one of the harder ones to work with and has some of the worst symptoms and outcomes.
     
  7. Incoming

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    This is a *very* understandable, and common, response to your situation. As children we can't help but feel guilt - but resentment and hatred can also be justified. (I know because I've been there!)

    Any adult struggling with a diagnosed illness merits compassion and empathy. But as adults, they also bear responsibility for seeking treatment, and for *protecting others* from the consequences of their illness.

    You have every right to avoid him - and to send message that his behavior leaves you little choice.

    When you're feeling strong enough, you might also remind him to seek help, for the sake of everyone involved.