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Feel that I must be gay

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Rupert30, Nov 7, 2021.

  1. Rupert30

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    Hey, I’ve posted on here before about my struggles with my sexuality. I have been told I need to see a therapist and deal with my other underlying mental issues - which I get. I do need to do that - I just have done it so much that I really don’t feel like it can help with this particular issue.

    I started dating someone, a woman (I’m a male) and the love I feel for her at times is super intense. But now closing in on a year in the relationship - I’m beginning to doubt that I’m really into women. Frankly, I struggle to stay sexually attracted to women I become super intimate with. I can get there but it never feels the same as when I watch porn. Or even my fantasies - which I do try to not watch porn and fantasize. But it’s always about another girl than the one I’m with. I don’t know how to fix this within me mentally. She is very attractive, but I just feel like it could be better sexually.

    Anyway that is a different thing. My idea is all of these hang ups must have something to do with the fact that I’m gay deep down. The only issue I have with being gay is that my mind I feel like has roadblocks or something that don’t allow me to be as gay as I should be. Like why would it be nagging at me so much if it’s not true though? Why do I wonder about it at all? I read some of the things on here and see how people just completely have their life transformed. I’m getting older now, I’m tired of my life being so mentally taxing, so depressive, I want that happiness you all describe. I just want to enjoy life on a moment to moment basis and take in all the little things and enjoy things. But it feels impossible due to the blocks in my brain. Specifically my weird inability to be gay.

    Like on one hand I don’t want to lose my relationship. I think the sexual part is just in lull and can get better - but what if there is an even better thing I just naturally get after accepting fully that I’m gay? What if that’s all I need to do and my life transforms? Sometimes when I’m in bed at night I just try to accept that I’m gay and it feels amazing, like I feel super relaxed and like I can sleep which I usually can’t do. The problem is it is only the concept of being “gay” it isn’t the actual attraction to men. I almost feel like I’d be freer sexually with women too if that makes sense? But yeah I for some reason can’t get into the mental imagery of sex with a man or gay porn. Like I try to do it, but it’s just not getting me anywhere. And I don’t know what to do about it. I’ve told others I was gay for a year (no one believed) and myself in the mirror everyday. None of it did anything.

    Are there any exercises or techniques or actions I can take to fully accept and get past whatever issue this is, like if it’s deeply ingrained internal homophobia or compulsive heterosexuality? How do you reprogram yourself. I don’t want my relationship to end but I am willing to let it go for the both of us if I’m ultimately being a false version of myself. But then I wonder if that’s real or if my brain is tricking me cus I couldn’t even do this single for five years. Anyway let me know
     
  2. BiGemini87

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    Hello, @Rupert30 I'm no expert, but this sounds a bit like OCD to me. You have no actual attraction to men, but the idea of being gay calms you down? It's a nice thought, really, but I'm just not seeing any evidence of you being gay when there's no attraction involved. As to your intimacy issues with your current partner, I think porn has likely given you some...high, unrealistic expectations, and you likely are just going through a lull with her right now. It could be a mix of various things too, like a lack of compatibility between you, or perhaps she's subconsciously picking up on your ambivalence.

    Whatever the case, I do think therapy would be of more help than you realize, provided you find the right therapist. I recommend taking a hiatus from porn too, and see if that changes anything. :slight_smile:
     
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  3. Obliteratrix47

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    Hm... Your situation seems to be confusing. We don't know about your history about your sex life, but if you could provide us with it, maybe we'll try to understand your struggles. You're not gay because you said that you are not attracted to men. It might be best to talk to a sex therapist to discuss about your sexuality issues.
     
  4. Unsure77

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    If you’re not super attracted to women and you’re also not naturally attracted to men, is it possible you’re on the asexual spectrum? I’m with everyone else on it not sounding like you’re gay. You don’t have to (and actually can’t) coax yourself into sexual feelings you don’t naturally have. You can’t make yourself attracted to men if you aren’t already. Any more than a gay person can talk themselves into being attracted to the opposite sex.

    I also agree that therapy sounds like a good option to help you think it through. But it kinda sounds like you’re either straight and need relationship help or you’re some variety of asexual maybe (if you’re not super attracted to women at all).
     
  5. Chip

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    Rupert,

    As has been stated to you at least a dozen times in more than a dozen threads, this is an OCD issue. You aren't going to be able to get any clarity on anything until you address and properly resolve the OCD. In your case, given how much the OCD is impacting your life, it is highly likely that you need medication to manage it, at least until you can get into good therapy that actually actively works on the OCD issues.

    It's unlikely you are asexual (at least, in the widely accepted meaning of the term) from what you describe. It's a lot more likely that there's either trauma or some other early childhood issues that are interfering with your ability to connect to your emotional self, and that is also tied in with the OCD. This, in turn, is going to impact how you relate to others, how you see others, how you experience your sexual self.

    Please, please stop posting basically the same thing over and over and find a therapist and a psychiatrist and get immediate help for the OCD. You deserve to have a much better life than what you are currently experiencing.
     
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  6. quebec

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    Rupert.....I have to echo what Chip said. You are dealing with OCD and the only way to get past that is medication and work with a therapist. I know how that works as I have OCD. I was losing my battle with OCD until I connected with a great therapist and he directed me to an equally great nurse practitioner. She helped by starting me on a medication regimen. It took several months to find the right medication and the right dosage, but we got there. That combined with the work I was doing with my therapist made an enormous difference in my life. My OCD has not disappeared, but it has decreased to the point that I can sometimes go several days without having it rear it's ugly head! :old_smile: And then it's relatively minor in comparison to what it used to be. OCD can derail your entire life...please don't brush this off! Make arrangements to see a professional as soon as possible. Their help can change your life!
    .....David :gay_pride_flag:
     
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  7. Rupert30

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    I am taking fluvoxamine, it helps slightly but doesn’t fix it. I don’t know where or how to tackle everything else - I don’t know what type of therapist I should see. Sorry I don’t mean to bother people, thank you for the advice
     
  8. justaguyinsf

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    Maybe you need a higher dose or a different medication. I have found Zoloft to be helpful with OCD symptoms, although mine aren't as bad as you describe. I think everyone has doubts, fantasies, questions, and so forth about their sexuality and relationships, so what you're experiencing sounds normal in content but extreme in taking hold of your mind. You might want to work on being aware of your thought processes and accepting the intrusive and compulsive thoughts/feelings without reacting to them mentally ... just observe them with an attitude of curious non-judgement. I've found this to be helpful when I get into an anxiety/OCD mental groove; the obsessions weaken and just pass by eventually. I think there are therapists who help people learn this skill.
     
    #8 justaguyinsf, Nov 8, 2021
    Last edited: Nov 8, 2021
  9. SevnButton

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    From my limited knowledge, my understanding is that different medications work differently for different people. So if you're using a medication that only sort of works, it might be useful to try some others. But of course, only under the supervision and guidance of a qualified professional. Good luck and best wishes!
     
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  10. Chip

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    SevnButton is absolutely correct. The thing about psychotropic medications that is substantially different than other types of medications, such as antibiotics, is that psychotropic medications have an enormous non-specific effect which is the variation in how the medication works between one person and another. So two people might have nearly identical symptoms with OCD... but one medication might completely alleviate symptoms in one, and do nothing in another. And that's why, in spite of all we know, to a large extent, prescribing meds is as much an artform, and sometimes trial and error, as it is science.

    And it does often take 3 or 5 different medication and dosage changes, sometimes using more than one drug, to get the ideal balance.

    The key is not to give up, but also to be reasonably persistent with your doctor and ask for changes to be made if the drug isn't serving it's purpose. There are few drugs I can think of where you don't have a really good idea if iit's going to work by about the 6 week mark. You have to give it about that long to see a change, but if you don't... it's time to pester for an adjustment of dosage or medication switch.


    As to what kind of therapist to see... you definitely want someone who has a strong level of specialty or expertise in OCD. Everything else is secondary to getting that effectively managed.
     
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  11. Rupert30

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    Thanks for the responses. An update: I have been reading some of the threads here more and am relating to the gay husbands experience. And recently I was able to jerk off and orgasm to the thought of sucking a dick and calling myself a slut. Usually when I jerk off on my own I imagine a scenario that I’m voyueristically viewing, usually with a girl I know sucking my dick and specifically her facial expressions and ravenous look in eyes - two times now though I have straight up imagined myself in gay scenarios - or at least involving dicks. One time being gangbanged by dicks basically and acting like the girls in porn - the next as I said. Each time I felt an intense feeling of fear but also excitement right before I orgasmed. This makes it at least 4 times I’ve fantasized specifically about a gay scenario and orgasmed in my life. Now cut to my current relationship - I am living with my GF of a year. The sex is fine - I don’t feel horny for her that much. I feel horny for random women but not necessarily her - feels like I almost know her too well? I dunno. But I’m down to have sex and I do I get into it - problem is I have been having trouble reaching orgasm lately due to my medication (both on my own and with her) and I’ve quit porn. I’ve researched and seen that I have many of the qualities of being disassociated - like there is past sexual trauma or something. Because I get bored of sex with a single person after a while. Or a having a single experience. I dunno. So I want to go to an edmr therapist to like get over whatever thing is stuck in my head about this. Truthfully I just want to stop thinking about it, I want to live in the present and stop worrying so much, stop feeling the anxiety and fear so much. Stop feeling depressed and like I’m not alive in some way. Like I just want to be happy and normal like many other people are why can I not be this? I want to just rip the band aid off if being gay or transgender is the answer but I need to know how to get there.
     
  12. Rupert30

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    I also want to add: I don’t drink or use drugs anymore and I find it hard to completely “let go” during sex with an actual person. There is a shame around if I go “too far” or say the wrong thing and get rejected that I feel is trauma related or something perhaps
     
  13. justaguyinsf

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    I can relate your having a rich inner fantasy life that doesn't really correspond to what your life looks like on the outside. I can also relate to the this casing anxiety, fear, and depression. I doubt therapy is going to make your fantasies go away. I think what you need to do is accept and find peace with the duality of your inner and outer lives, which would seem to involve simply not fighting against your fantasies so much and also letting your gf in on what's going on to the extent you think it would be helpful or received well. It sounds like you have a pretty good relationship with your gf, and you can make this work out with her.
     
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  14. Rupert30

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    The problem with the fantasies and working them out with her is I feel they would be degrading in a way, or turn her off, because they kinda require her participation to act a certain way or go to this perverted realm that I don’t know if she is capable of doing. And it feels like I dunno like she would be doing it “for” me or not into it really. She may be I dunno - I just feel like I’ve really only been with one girl who was into it and when we turned the lights off I got REALLY into vocalizing stuff, taboo-esque and she was clearly into that. Like having her call me daddy (this is only fantasy obviously) etc - she ran off with it but it’s hard to find someone who naturally is like that.
     
  15. justaguyinsf

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    Just thinking about your situation a bit ... you might decide how important or necessary it is for you to live out your sexual fantasies. Can you get off without acting them out and maybe keeping them only in your mind? It seems to me (as a layman) that you have same-sex fetishes but you're basically straight, which may be a a more useful way to think about your sexuality struggles rather than as gay vs. straight. I think fetishes are pretty common and those who have them (including myself) have to negotiate with themselves, and maybe their partners also, the extent to which those fetishes must and can be lived out, whether together or alone.
     
    #15 justaguyinsf, Dec 17, 2021
    Last edited: Dec 17, 2021
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  16. Chip

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    So there's a complex set of interactions here, each of which is worth looking at

    First, you say you "have been able" to masturbate to orgasm thinking about guys or blowjobs or what have you in various scenarios. But the important question isn't "can you masturbate to orgasm with _______". but "Is masturbating to __________ more arousing and exciting (and usually, bringing you to orgasm more quickly) than masturbating and fantasizing about women?

    Second, the boredom and dissociative experiences are likely some form of trauma. However, in spite of what some EMDR therapists might tell you, EMDR, while incredibly powerful and useful, is not, by itself, an instant cure for trauma. What it does is break the emotion from the memory. But perceptions and experiences and beliefs aren't erased by EMDR, and this requires therapy.

    Also, keep in mind that the sort of trauma that causes these things is not necessarily sexual trauma or physical trauma; it can be emotional and, as Gabor Mate says, it can be either something bad that happened, or something good that didn't happen (i.e., you did not get the attention, bonding, and love you needed, or your needs were not met, something like that.)

    So it's important to look at these things. Trauma is also associated, btw, with OCD, so here we have even more indication that these pieces probably fit together pretty well to describe your situation.
     
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  17. out2019

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    Question: can trauma filled or negative experiences bring some people to orgasm quicker? Or is the trauma usually related to the situation-for example imagining being 'caught' in public having sex but the sex of partner ?
     
  18. Rupert30

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    in terms of can they bring me to orgasm “quicker” or are they more “exciting” relatively - it really depends. Sometimes they are their own form of quick and exciting - but I wouldn’t say they are “more” so necessarily each time. Sometimes it feels like I’m getting off on the taboo nature of it, when it feels like a newer experience? I dunno I can’t tell, sometimes it feels like I can’t get there at all when I try. Like I went thru a phase with porn where I got off to transgender porn quickly and then it sort of lost its luster after a while. The main common thread is usually that the female person involved is acting extremely sexually depraved? And often it involves seeing them suck on something whether it be a dildo, or a dick or otherwise. But it’s similar if they are solo masturbating and making a certain facial expression… I dunno how to explain it.

    I definitely experienced multiple “traumatic” things in my life. I know there was emotional neglect, many needs were not met, some stuff I guess could be considered sexual trauma that involved both sexes, I had a psychotic break in my teens and drug use issue, saw someone die from a fall when I was a kid, had social problems a traumatic brain injury - so I’m aware there is a lot of baggage that I have been working on overcoming. So maybe EDMR could at least start me in the right direction with some of those things? I just feel like I’ve talked all this to death I don’t know what else I can say to work through it
     
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