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Falling in love with your best friend

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by Kalake, Jan 21, 2021.

  1. Kalake

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    Last April, my best friend and I came out to each other. I've had a massive crush on her for the past two years, but the past year my feelings have been pretty strong. Usually I can get over someone in a few months, but after multiple times of trying to get over this girl, I have failed. She used to like another girl, but has told me that she no longer does. Over the past few months, I've thought about telling her about my feelings but I'm really nervous that she doesn't reciprocate the same feelings. I know it wouldn't change our friendship if she didn't feel the same way, but it would definitely destroy me. I've had tiny crushes here and there, but I've never felt this way about anyone in my life. She's on my mind when I wake up, when I go to sleep, when I'm sad, when I'm happy. I worry about her all the time and would do anything in my ability to make her happy. I guess you could call me a simp, but I would honestly drop everything for her. I've heard people say that best friend's can't date as it never works out. If it came down to it, I would rather keep our friendship stable than to date, and ruin it. What do you guys think I should do? I know I should really be making this decision, but I'm kind of lost in the whole situation. I really don't want to mess it up.
     
  2. LostInDaydreams

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    These scenarios are always tough - you either say nothing and never know how they feel, or you say something and risk ruining the friendship. As you say, it’s has to be your decision.

    This stood out to me:
    Would you say that you have a balanced friendship? That she supports you, shows interest and gives you time as much as you do for her? That you worry about her all the time seems a little unusual, unless her home life is somehow dangerous or unstable. If your friendship isn’t balanced now, then there’s the risk that you’ll be the one that’s putting all the effort in to any relationship.
     
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  3. QuietPeace

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    First I want to echo what Lostindaydreams said about a relationship developing from what you have possibly being one sided and I would like to point somethings out that might support that.

    This is a serious red flag. NEEDING a relationship or for someone to feel a certain way towards you opens you up to being abused, even if she would never be that way it is not healthy for you to have this need. It would probably be best for you to get into therapy and get into a healthy space within your own life, where you do not need someone else first. Someone not reciprocating your interest can feel hurtful but it should never destroy us (this from someone who has been in such a position multiple times).

    It can work out. My current relationship started as a friendship which just kept growing closer.

    On the other hand, I had a friend who I really thought was flirting with me. When I asked her out she freaked and it messed up our friendship. We did not speak for almost a year and she avoided me, even going to the length of avoiding group activities that we had both participated in for years. We still barely talk now.

    So it can go either way, but as I said above before you even consider getting together with her or anyone you need to get into a healthy head space yourself.
     
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  4. silverhalo

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    Hey the above poster have raised some really balanced points that need to be considered before making any kind of decision. It could just be the way you wrote the post or it could be that there is serious inblance in your friendship.
    Ultimately only you can make the decision on what to do as you have to live with whatever comes after it. When you came out to each other was there any hint of any mutual feelings?
     
  5. mlansing

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    I believe that if something is fragile, let it break. With regards to this situation, if telling her you have feelings would ruin the friendship, then let it ruin the friendship. I told a good friend of mine I had feelings and he did not feel the same way but we are still good friends to this day and my feelings have since subsided. Life is too short to worry about what ifs. If your friendship is a healthy and mature one, I think it can survive an expression of deeper feelings (and there’s always a chance they feel the same way :wink:
     
    #5 mlansing, Jan 23, 2021
    Last edited: Jan 23, 2021
  6. K80outloud

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    I agree with QuietPeace. I'm currently in the process of leaving a 20 year marriage to a man. My sexuality is part of the reason, but I definitely started dating and married him because I needed him. We met when I was 21 and he was 29. Looking back, I needed him in order to feel ok with myself. It was a painful place to be, but I didn't know that at the time. It was challenging and scary to get to know me and develop strong boundaries. Once I did though, life was easier. Boundaries, contrary to what it sounds like, actually allowed me to be more open with people because I know where they end and I begin. I know what kind of behavior (other's and mine!) and relationship is acceptable to me and what's not. And, as heartbreaking as it is, I'm now able to leave a 20 year marriage with two teen daughters and begin living authentically without feeling devastated. It took me years of drug and alcohol addiction, detoxes and relapses, therapy, and recovery to get to where I am now.

    I've seen friends declare their love and live happily married, and I've seen unrequited love end friendships. It can go either way, and only you can decide to share your feelings for her. But, if you are strong within yourself first, then you know inside that you'll be ok regardless of her response.