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Downward emotional spiral :(

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by MaybeBoy, Dec 23, 2020.

  1. MaybeBoy

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    I finally talked to my therapist about questioning my gender and how I don’t think I’m a girl and don’t know exactly what I am. I’m regretting it now. I’m regretting saying anything to anybody. I want to turn off my brain and not think about this anymore. I want to ignore it until it goes away, like the last time, and the time before that.

    I’ve lived as a woman for 30+ years. Why not suck it up and keep it that way? It would be easier in some ways, and I already accepted I’d probably never be “happy” in life before I ever started questioning my gender. I could probably get by with being mostly ok-ish like I have been since starting therapy a few years ago.

    I just want to forget all of this. Delete the picrew I made of my boy self and forget the warm glow of happiness I felt. Erase everything, including other people’s memories, about me questioning what I am.

    I’m too tired, too anxious, my therapist is away until the new year now, and my closest friend (who is non-binary) has been incommunicado for WEEKS now! I feel completely alone right now and want to cry but as usual I’m too fucked up to even do that.

    I’m gonna try to chill out and go to sleep, but if anyone has any words of support or encouragement or anything for me to come back to tomorrow I’d really appreciate it. I don’t know where else to turn right now.
     
  2. QuietPeace

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    It is really scary to start living against the stereotypes that we are programmed to stay in. The holiday season can be especially difficult as the few people we have as a support system can often be busy with their obligations. Just remember that this time does not last forever. Soon you can see your therapist again and most likely your close friend will be back in touch. The situation in the world right now just makes it more difficult.

    The thing is, however difficult it might be to start living as your authentic self. It is far easier once to get things going than it ever would be to continue pretending to be someone you are not.
    Concentrate on things like this
    The feeling of being acknowledged as who you actually are is even better once people start doing so in real life. I know that I was miserable the entire time that I pretended to be what society and my family wanted. Living as my true self is so freeing.

    Suppressing who you are does not actually make it go away and it just gets more and more difficult as time goes on. Let yourself be you and you can be happy.
     
  3. MaybeBoy

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    Maybe it’s just my mental state at the moment, but pretending does seem like it would be easier? The confusion of figuring myself out is hard, but being open about whatever truth I might find would be even harder. I live in a small town, I manage a store, people know me and people who don’t still see me around. Becoming my true self, whatever that would look like, while feeling like I’m under a microscope for so many people seems way worse than going about life as I have been. That’s not even factoring in my family, most of which I don’t care what they think of me, but others are very important to me. Sure, these feeling will probably keep coming back and it will suck, but then I’d just be dealing with my own bullshit rather than everyone else’s. I’ve always been a private person and having something so personal out in the open? I don’t think I’m strong enough for that.

    Idk, it’s hard to see a positive outcome no matter what I do.
     
  4. Phoenix92

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    Something that helped me in beginning my transition was doing Drag. That and having it be something of a “game” when Frankie would ‘visit’ for the night. Whenever she did, even if she stayed the night, she’d be gone by morning. Both of these allowed me to explore my femininity without having that permanence of making a decision attached to it.

    perhaps something like that, where you let yourself be some one else for a short while, to revert when you feel like it. It allows you to explore yourself without having to drastically change yourself.
     
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  5. QuietPeace

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    It is entirely up to you of course. You might be able to pull it off, but will you be happy that way? Living your life for other people is an empty life in my experience.

    My own personal experience was that yes it seems easier. In fact I allowed myself to be put through conversion "therapy" to convince me that I was male. I was able to keep the mask on for between two and three years at which point I could not keep it up. I told my wife that I had to go back on hormones. A few years later I had a complete breakdown from the stress of life pretending to be someone who I am not. I have been disabled ever since.

    After my wife's death I finally gave in and went back to living my authentic self. I was living in a town that had 110 people at the time. The people who were generally conservative but who knew me as a decent person actually accepted me. I only started having trouble when I moved to a larger city (over half a million people) when I could no longer keep up the house. For me living as my authentic self has been very freeing, though I have ended up homeless and I have had to wander quite a lot. It was still better than wearing a mask and costume every day.
     
  6. JessNC

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    All I will say is that the option of continuing to live in my pre-awareness box has definitely seemed like the easiest path to me. I expect it is very common for those "coming out" or crossing boundaries that make us different. I will also say that exploring the desire to put things back into the closet, so to speak, with my therapist has been helpful. Where things go and how you do so are up to you. And taking the time you need to grow and possibly change is something you deserve to do.
     
  7. MaybeBoy

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    First of all, thank you all for your kindness. I hope you’ve had the best holiday possible in this weird ass year.

    And you’re all probably right that living for other people isn’t the way to go. Maybe I’ll see it that way eventually. Maybe right now I’m just in the denial/bargaining phase of accepting myself. I just don’t wanna stress about being accepted or not. Or if I’ll ever find someone who will love me, because I’m already half convinced I never will anyway. Sorry I’m being such a downer btw. I’ve been trying to turn my thoughts around but I’m not having much luck. Also the dysphoria I was feeling so strongly has faded a lot so now I’m once again wondering if I’m faking it or making everything up?

    I’ll give this a try! It’s low pressure enough that it shouldn’t stress me out and sounds like it might be a fun way to get to know myself as fast or slow as I want. Thank you for the suggestion!
     
  8. MaybeBoy

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    I think I’m finally turning my mental state around. Spent some time reflecting on some things last night and I’m feeling a little clearer. I know feminine terms like daughter, sister, ect. don’t sit well with me. Some even made me gag when I thought about it, oddly enough. On the other hand male terms like son, brother, ect. gave me that warm feeling in my chest, or were at least neutral. And when I looked in the mirror today I saw a boy looking back at me and it felt comfortable. I even went for a walk as “dude” me and my self talk was surprisingly positive when normally I struggle with being kind to myself. It was pretty freeing.

    The urge to come out to my mom is strong again, like it always is when I’m feeling confident and good, but I’m still holding myself back from that. It’s hard because when I’m in this place I feel excited and just want to jump in with both feet, but I’m trying to just focus on me and my feelings right now without bringing anyone else into it.

    I felt like it was important to put all this out here for future me, because I’m sure there will be other downward spirals ahead while I go through this process. Thank you all again for being here and talking me through this rough patch.
     
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