Don't want to be gay

"To accept it would be defeat, because I would have to face reality"

I think that is possibly the most honest thing you have said on this post DAXIII.

You seem to be keen on people providing you with reasons for everything but you don't interrogate your own disgust and hatred at being gay. Why do you think it is so disgusting? If it really is such a visceral gut reaction then it fails to have any reason or justification behind it. This entire post and all the side discussions boil down to the fact that you know you are gay, that you hate the fact you are gay and want to change it and the fact that you cannot change it. What you can change is your hatred of being gay - that is the only thing you can change and the only way you will be happy.

I know acceptance is a scary prospect because it commits you to a something that you currently feel is wrong but once you get to the other side of that process you will be able to enjoy your life and the people in it. Your life will only get better if you work towards that. From where you are now it seems like acceptance would a defeat but you have no idea how happy and comfortable you could be with yourself once you give up this self-loathing. The It Gets Better Project didn't lie to you but you have to want to make things better and you have to work towards. All anyone else can do is support you in doing that. Quantamreality and Imgay47 have both given you some great advice about acceptance - but if you won't take our advice or your therapists or anyone else's then no one can help you. If you want to live a happy life then you need to move towards acceptance and we will help with that but until you are ready for that your life is not going to change, you are not going to be any happier or more comfortable with yourself and being gay will remain a source of internal conflict for you. I really hope you try to move forward because nothing else will enable you to enjoy your life.

 

For me this is one of the stand out things.

You say when you accept being gay it will be like death because you still won't be ok with it but that isn't acceptance that resignation as you have highlighted above. You have already resigned yourself to the fact you can fundamentally change the fact you are gay but you are just working on covering it up and not letting it out. That can never be called acceptance.

 

Hey DAXIII,

You’re familiar with the grieving process, aren’t you? There are 5 steps to the grieving process. First comes Denial: in this case, “no, I’m not gay.” Next comes Anger: “I hate this and I hate myself! Why can’t I just be ‘normal’ like most other people? Why ME!?!” Then comes Bargaining: “So, maybe I’m gay, but then again maybe I’m bisexual. But, no I’m certain I’m gay. Or maybe I can change my sexuality and be heterosexual, after all.” After that comes Depression: “I want to be ‘normal.’ I wish I was heterosexual. This sucks and I don’t think I could ever really live life as a homosexual. I know I can’t face my parents. I don’t even want to face society. I’m just going to hide somewhere until it goes away. Why did I have to be the victim of this cruel joke?” Until, finally, there is Acceptance: “Hmm… Maybe this isn’t as bad as I thought. Maybe I can accept my homosexuality, my same-sex attractions. And you, know what? My sexuality is just a part of who I am, but it doesn’t define who I am. I am going to be the person I was born to be and I will do amazing things with my life!” The steps don’t always occur for any given person in that order and people sometimes go back and forth among the steps.

You would currently seem to be alternating between the Anger. Bargaining, and Denial steps. Perhaps you’re stuck in a loop?

So you want to change your sexuality. I assume you are researching that other than just here on EC. The people on your thread here have all told you that it can’t be changed. What other resources have you found so far that give you a reason to believe that there is a process or a pill or whatever out there that can change you from homosexual to heterosexual? How are you going to "fix it"?

 

I'll throw you a line DAXII. I too, don't want to be gay. I can only liken the feeling I get to the sudden thought most of us get when we realise that one day we will die. Life will be going great, then my thoughts come back to my sexuality.
I accept - no sorry - I understand that I am gay, and if I could choose to be gay and live for eighty years, or be straight but only live for twenty, then honestly speaking, I'd take the latter.

I want a heterosexual life, but to live one would be one of a lie. It wouldn't be fair to any potential wife. So I'm stuck. Sometimes I'm ok with it, but often I'm miserable. It won't happen for me - ever.

I will fight the corner of anyone throughout the LGBT+ spectrum though and have the upmost respect for those that are comfortable with their sexuality, and/or have fulfilling lives.

People on this forum are there to help you. I hope you find your answers.

��

 

I don't know any such thing. I'd be interested in seeing your evidence for that.

But, if you'll stop being deflective and obstinate, how about actually responding to my questions?

 

"Life doesn't get better after acceptance."

You haven't accepted it so you wouldn't know.

 

So you are going to try Christian ex-gay therapy?

I'm not a Christian so what the Bible or Christian thinking says doesn't concern me but if you are then is your hatred of being gay based on your religious beliefs?

 

Did you actually read that article DAXIII? The people that wrote it say that they don't support efforts to change a person's sexual orientation and then the article merely discusses whether or no ex-gay therapies are harmful. Their conclusion to that is that, while they don't think ex-gay therapies are harmful, there is no reason to believe that they actually work, either.

 

No I know that but you said if you accepted it because you'd exhausted all other possible options but I'm saying that isn't acceptance it's resignation.

---------- Post added 3rd Nov 2016 at 09:22 PM ----------

Ok so which one is it, you have or you haven't?

 

I really do hope that the site visitors, now 1,878 for this thread alone, are able to see this thread for what it is - a desperate attempt to avoid the reality of sexual orientation.

This isn't going to go away. It will only get stronger.

ride:

 

Actually, I read the whole thing, including the Summary which ends:
"The idea that “ex-gay ministries” are the relevant way forward for gay or same-sex attracted Christians is therefore not supported by the hard evidence."

What select pieces or parts were you reading?

 

I know you tend avoid answering questions but did you look for a Christian group because you are or were Christian?

 

If you aren't a Christian then why are you looking at a Christian ex-gay website - their whole approach will be predicated on a belief in god, a belief you don't hold. Surely you should be looking for a secular approach?

 

Apparently so. I was quoting from the Summary of the entire article.

Would you mind quoting the select place that you are referring to that says reparative therapy actually works?