Don't want to be gay

I know you don't feel that you owe her an explanation to tell her you're gay but please consider how hurt her feelings will be if something should happen. I don't think it's right to have this woman believe everything is great and happy and then she find out.

It's your choice in the end, but if something should happen and she finds out you are fully aware and think that just going through the motions will work, then she has every single right to be mad and angry.

This is your life and these posters can only give you the best advice through a computer. At the end of the day, you are going to have to face yourself sooner or later. I'm talking from experience here and trust me, it will come back to bite you. I hurt a lot of good people by doing this. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.

 

This isn't just about DAXIII. He is on his own journey and, in my opinion, is not ready to receive advice from us. I've continued to post in this thread because I think it is one of the most important topics here on EC. In just a few days, this thread has been read almost 1,500 times. There are so many people who are members and non-members and they are coming here looking for help. Many of them identify with OPs issue with non-acceptance. "I don't want to be gay" is one of the central issues that surround the struggle to accept our sexuality and a barrier to coming out of the closet. Ultimately, this site is dedicated to helping people through those struggles. So, no, it's not a waste of time to continue working with DAXIII on this issue.

To DAXIII: I truly hope you find what you are looking for in life and I wish you well.

To those 1,500 people out there and more to come: The struggle for self-acceptance is more than just the words "I'm gay" or "I'm bi", etc. Self-acceptance also includes each part of that sentence. I am gay. That middle word has meaning too. It's a form of the verb "to be." To say "I am gay" is to express that it is a state of being. It is not a choice and cannot be changed. Once you are able to accept that you were born this way, you never had a choice and you never will have a choice, you cannot change it, and attempts to change it will not work, then you will realize that "want" is completely irrelevant. Wanting to be gay or not wanting to be gay is irrelevant once you truly accept "I am gay."

Fear, shame, self-loathing and self-hatred are the hallmarks of the LGBTQ+ struggle. Self-acceptance is the way out. Literally.

ride:

 

I totally agree with Imgay47. I have posted a number of times here hoping that DAXIII will begin to accept that becoming straight should never be the goal of someone who is gay. Many of us who are gay, or bi, at some time in our lives felt the way that DAXIII does. It seemed impossible that self acceptance could lead to happiness. Almost insurmountable for some of us. How can we be happy when we are so broken?

Well, we do find happiness in acceptance. We realize those attractions are GOOD because they do provide happiness when we allow them to.

Some of us learn the hard way that trying to live a straight life, not be gay, or not accept our gay attractions as bisexuals, will eventually lead to dissatisfaction and pain to ourselves, our spouses and our children. There is no way to change your sexuality...there just isn't. And, once you accept your sexuality, you will find that you will wonder why you ever thought you wanted to change.

 

Great posts from both Imgay47 and Nickw - I still hold out some hope that DAXIII will accept himself and start working to build a life he can enjoy and be happy with but it is unlikely at this point.

To those who might be reading this and feeling similar to DAXIII just remember - it is a hard process but as long as you hate yourself you will hate the world. Once you accept yourself and are happy just being yourself, you will be to enjoy life and your relationships with other people.

 

Extremely well put Imgay47! I concur entirely!

This thread really stopped being about the OP by the end of the first page. However the input and discussion from numerous EC users is and will remain a valuable resource here for those struggling with their internalized homophobia and acceptance of being LGBTQ!

 

Oh dear. Your desperation to believe this is just heartbreaking. This post is the equivalent of putting your fingers in your ears and chanting "na na na na, I can't hear you."

When you hate yourself, it colors everything you see and do.

 

DAXIII

It is becoming obvious that you are in a defensive position here. I don't think anyone has anything but your best interests at heart. So, I will leave it at that.

Your last comment about suicide as a way out of being gay is particularly disturbing. I hope you don't really mean that. I would highly recommend that you get some therapy. When I was struggling with coming out to my wife the only sort of therapist that my analytical mind could tolerate was one who was quite versed in philosophical theories. You may find that you could relate well to someone like that who can help you understand yourself in a less touchy-feely way and more the scientific/theoretical approach. You may, actually, find it quite rewarding and educational.

Best of luck.

 

My proof is that the day you find true acceptance, it won't lead to your suicide. Your acceptance would necessarily negate any desire to commit suicide. You see? Your self-hatred colors your worldview and makes you blind to the most obvious facts. If you really did find true acceptance of being gay, you would then be at peace with it. If you were at peace with it, you would no longer think about committing suicide.

This is the first time you've pulled the "Better dead than gay" argument out. We've seen that one here lots of times. The trouble with that argument for you is that you are already out to yourself. You already identify as gay, and you haven't killed yourself.

You don't see all of this thread as bargaining? I don't want to be gay. I want to be straight. I can choose to be straight. I can have a "normal" life. I'd rather be dead than gay. Unless someone proves my sexuality to me, it isn't real. I will succeed where others have failed. I'm not a failure. I'm not gay. I am gay, but I don't want to be. And around and around it goes. This is classic bargaining.

It's ok for this to be a struggle, DAX. It's a struggle for all of us.

 

Perhaps I am dreaming, DAXIII. Perhaps not. That isn't for you to judge. You can't know MY reality any more that you claim everyone else on this site can know yours. But what I do KNOW is that I am content and happy with who I am, while you repeatedly complain to us that you are not.

Have a wonderful gay (I mean "day")!

 

Oh, I beg to differ greatly, Mr. DAXIII. Understanding your sexuality means that you are clear about who you are. Accepting your sexuality means that you are finally o.k. with it. Personally, it took me two years to go from an understanding of my bisexuality to an actual acceptance of that sexuality - at age 25, which, coincidentally, is your current calendar age.

Of course acceptance is permanence. What else would it be? Your perverse desire to deny your own nature is the 'thing' everyone here has been trying to help you to understand which is blocking you from moving forward with your life.

Perhaps. Perhaps. Maybe, just perhaps? You might step down from your high horse of automatic denial and unacceptance (ooops, I just offended you, so you will shut off the rest of my argument, no doubt) and actually LISTEN to what the EC people here have said. I'm sure you must know the difference between 'hearing' and 'listening.' But it seems like you have been 'hearing' everything that has been said on this thread so far, yet 'listening' to none of it.

'Nuff said.

Regardless, I wish you only the best in your life and hope that you can find peace with yourself since you are clearly an intelligent individual and could potentially contribute to our society if you so chose.

 

Thanks QR for that important point. DAXIII, coming out to yourself is not acceptance. Many people think that because they finally admitted that they were gay, that meant they had reached acceptance. That's not true.

Acceptance requires you to be ok with it. Otherwise, you haven't really reached acceptance. That's why I still think you're attempting to bargain your way out of this. It's just obvious to us here posting to you. Here's a good definition I found:

Acceptance in human psychology is a person's assent to the reality of a situation, recognizing a process or condition (often a negative or uncomfortable situation) without attempting to change it or protest it. The concept is close in meaning to 'acquiescence', derived from the Latin 'acquiēscere' (to find rest in).
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Just like QR, it took me two full years between coming out to myself and accepting myself. It's not like a light switch, though. It happens in increments. Ups and downs, back and forth. It's can be a long struggle. No one who has been posting to you in this gigantic thread thinks you need to hurry up, or make some life-altering decision on a whim. Just the opposite, in fact.

 

* DAXIII with fingers in ears going lalalalala*

You just proved my point, my man. You aren't listening to anyone here. Acceptance ABSOLUTELY means you're o.k. with it. Clearly you are only at the understanding level. Nothing wrong with that, except if you actually think that you are at the 'acceptance' level. Which you clearly aren't.

So, what is it with you now playing the suicide card within that last few posts? No one here has denigrated you as a human being. If anything, the wonderful people on this thread have only tried to reinforce a sense of self-worth to you -which you have consistently denied.

My man, you seem to be in a state of deep depression and for something like that you need outside help. A therapist. When we enter such a deep state of depression, we need outside intervention and I would fervently urge you to seek that help. Regardless of whether such 'help' has been a positive experience for you in the past or not. Just as each of us are individuals, each therapist is also unique, so one bad experience does not negate future, potentially positive experiences with a new therapist.

Again, I only wish the best for you.

 

O.K., dude. You can play all the games you want to play. That's your right as a human being. I, and everyone else on this website, absolutely respect that. No one here is trying to live your life for you, just trying to assist you along the way. That's assuming you want assistance. And we assume that from the simple fact that you posted this thread on EC. (Yah, yah, yah, "I wanted to hear something different." Sing another tune, man, or stop interacting with your own thread if we are so annoyingly predictable.)

What everyone here has said is that you have other choices, which you consistently deny. But they speak truth, whether you choose to listen or not.

Therapists are humans. If you don't connect with one, find another one. Their job is to connect with you at a personal level, but everyone is an individual and many people that I know have gone through multiple therapists before finding someone who connected with them. That's reality.

Also the point of therapy - much like this website - is to help you to help yourself. If you are closed-minded, no one can help you. That is another FACT for you!


We heard you when you said acceptance doesn't mean being 'o.k.' with being gay, but what you are not listening to is reality. Look up the simple definition of acceptance. What you have is an understand of your sexuality. Based on what you said on this thread, you definitely don't ACCEPT your sexuality. You are repulsed by it. The people here have been trying to help you overcome that, but you don't WANT to listen.

Acceptance of yourself is NOT defeat. Acceptance is WINNING! You can move on with your life and begin to overcome your self-hate. What exactly is wrong with that idea? Besides the fact that you may be so closed-minded that you can't accept that simple idea?

Please explain to me how accepting who you really are can be called 'defeat.' The fact that you don't like what that means doesn't make it less real or a negative in the longrun. Your sexuality is not a terminal illness. No one ever died because of their sexuality. (And, yes I know that people have been KILLED and ABUSED because of their sexuality, but that's a completely different issue.)

So, finally, we come to your suicide option. What, exactly does that solve? Enough people here on this site have engaged your irrational discourse to show you that they care about you and they don't even know about you personally. I have complimented you on your intelligence and you potential for being a great person and contributing to society.

I guess what you are telling me is that because you are having such a hard time accepting your own sexuality and you've had only negative experience in the Gay community so far (which is understandable, since even I don't care for much of the mainstream Gay community), that you are willing to just give up at the young age of 25 and tell the world to 'Fuck Off'? What exactly will that prove to anyone?

For those of us who have struggled in the LGBTQ community for so many years just to come to the level of acceptance that we are at today, it has been a life-long effort. If you want to do something worthwhile, then let us help you accept yourself and live your life the way that you are comfortable living it. That is a simple positive that you can contribute beyond anything else that you may add to this world.

If you instead choose just to live a miserable existence thinking that everyone and everything in this terrible world is against you, then there is nothing I can do to actually change that beyond my words. And you, of course are always free to live that miserable existence. But wouldn't you rather make an effort to live a happy life and try to contribute like most of us do? (And, no I'm not talking about mindless masses, I'm talking about willful individuals who live happy lives be they heterosexual, homosexual, bisexual or other.)

Just my thoughts.