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Don't want to be gay

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by DAXIII, Oct 26, 2016.

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  1. Barbatus

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    So it sounds like it was a group conversation which brings in group dynamics. Normally, in a group I find that there are some dominant people and some quieter people. I try in conversations to make sure that if someone who is quiet or who cannot get a word in and who clearly wants to say something then I tell the others to stop talking and say 'so and so wants to say something'. If there isn't anyone in the group who does that then you need to be a more assertive. Now depending on the group and how well you know them you could say 'shut up and let me say something' or you might find you just have to speak over people to make your point or start speaking at the slightest pause and keep going.

    This group, do you normally hang out with them and how well do you know them? Because that will make a big difference in what you can get away with. If there are a couple of particularly dominant people then you will need to be assertive otherwise they will just railroad you (and anyone else). Are you naturally a quiet person (like shy)?
     
  2. DAXIII

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    We have already established how incorrect that is. It doesn't matter what other people think being gay is like what matters is what I think I like.

    Being gay is NOT repeat NOT who I am. I don't enjoy having sex with men (and I say that from plenty of experience in the matter) and I can't get aroused enough to try it with a woman. I have more admiration and I guess you can call it attraction towards women (although it's not sexual). Not to mention the small dating pool and being sexually attracted to guys and wanting to do something I don't enjoy. I cannot feel good about being trapped into being something I'm not. It like a creature forcing you to do things you don't like. Trapped in a nightmare you can't wake from.

    It's not other people, they don't give a shit. But I do. My life would have been easier if I were straight. I would simplify things, I would probably still be with the few girlfriends I managed to have in my life if I were that way. I knew it eventually wouldn't work because I'm not into them that way.

    ---------- Post added 15th Nov 2016 at 12:51 PM ----------

    I am usually a shy person who doesn't like to speak up too much. I am pretty reserved and don't like to approach people usually
     
  3. Barbatus

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    In that case you need to work on being more confident (which is again something you have to develop). I was quite introverted when I was younger and I had to make myself speak to people and be a part of conversations. After a while you get used to it and become more confident.

    Conversations seem to be a good place to start because you need to be assertive in conversations, you can do so in a socially acceptable way and you can observe a difference over time. Maybe try it with a small group conversation involving three or four people first.

    Otherwise, you could look online at confidence building techniques and give some of them a try.
     
  4. DAXIII

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    I've tried it before but Iit doesn't work. No matter how much I talk to others I can't seem to get over my shyness.
     
  5. Guff

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    I don't "want" to be gay either.
    I also wanna just "cut out" the "gay cancer".
    But we got to look at this logically...
    Regardless of your religion if you even have 1, no matter how you think you got here or where you might go from here, you know 1 thing. The universe gave you literally just 1 thing, it didn't "give you" anything besides yourself. Literally the ONLY thing in this realm of existence you absolutely have to have is yourself.
    Next we need to find postulates of life (Please excuse me for going about this a geometrical way LOL) All you really truly actually know is that you're you. That's number 1
    2 is that you're gonna die someday so by this you know life is limited.
    3 You know how you feel.
    And this has shown you, you like the same gender.

    So now we got you, we know you're gay and we assume you're not immortal.
    You don't "have to" do anything. You don't "have to" follow any religion or do anything anyone says. You don't have to take care of ANYONE or ANYTHING besides yourself. (You can care for other people/things and should but that's beside the point) You gotta take care of you. You know you don't wanna die alone I presume given you said you're gay not asexual. You (like most everyone) want someone to go through this horribly weird and painful thingumajig called life with. You know it's true.
    You never decided in yourself what gender you must be with. Nor did you even "make up" what gender even is. You were taught it, now you need to forget it.
    Why? Because it is emotionally hurting YOU! The ONE! thing in the universe you have to care about. Currently, you're failing at making you happy. And that's okay. I'm failing terribly.
    But that's fine for right now, its fine. You know what you want, you know what you need to do. And that itself is progress. To admit to yourself you're gay is hard as fuck. It just is, I mean seriously LOL
    By doing that, you grew stronger. By allowing yourself to realize you like the same sex you grew a little tougher. And by realizing you don't like the opposite you became even stronger.

    Now all you got to do, is use your new found strength to push forward. Forward in a direction that will make your only responsibility in this life happy, you.


    Sorry this was long and didn't really make sense hope it helped. lol
     
  6. DAXIII

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    Considering that you post missed the mark (you didn't read anything I posted before) I have to dismiss it. You are wrong. I don't like guys. There is a different between being sexually attracted to them and liking them. I want to like women in a sexual and romantic way but I can't, it's just admiration.

    And for what it's worth we are just specks in a sea of space, nothing we do matters (but that's another story).

    Admitting myself to be gay is painful and literally causes me physics harm. It means my want to be with a woman isn't going to happen. I've tried the whole gay thing and hated it. I hate having sex with guys but I can't stop wanting it. It's like being in prison and you can't find the key to get out.
     
  7. Barbatus

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    What you do has meaning for you. Lack of an objective meaning for life does not negate the subjective meanings we make nor does it change the fact that our subjective circumstances (while inter-subjectively constructed) are somewhat under our control.

    Regarding shyness, take a look at the following. They may be helpful in providing tips on how to build confidence and how to see your interactions in a more social context rather than thinking that people are purposely ignoring you. Frankly, it is more likely that they get caught up on what they are saying and don't offer room for other people to speak. If you want to be assertive so you can have your say then work on your shyness. Hopefully, the links below will help.

    Shyness Forum - SocialPhobiaWorld.com

    The Problem with Shyness Forums | Over Shyness
     
  8. DAXIII

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    I have tried this before when my therapist recommended it but it never works. I'm just too odd for people and no one likes my company for very long. And no they are purposely ignoring me and it has happened on several occasions. I start talking and everyone else ignores me.
     
  9. PatrickUK

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    Okay DAX, so this thread has been going on for some time now and it's reached the 11th page with 208 posts from different members (including yourself) in different parts of the world. We've offered support, opinions and the same advice that has worked for many, many people in similar circumstances to you, but to no avail, so I just want to ask if you believe there is any prospect of us (or anyone else) saying something that will change your opinion or give you a different perspective? I'm sure we would all like to believe there is a way forward for you, but suggestions so far have come to naught and you don't seem to have achieved anything in therapy either, so where is all of this going?

    Ultimately, it's your life to live and we can only go so far before we exhaust every effort to help. We want to so much, but we don't seem be getting anywhere.

    In order to focus this thread can I ask what you want from us? How do you think we can help you? As I said above, we really would like to help, but are we getting anywhere?

    I know this may sound challenging, but I just want to get some sort of perspective otherwise we and you will end up going round in circles.
     
  10. DAXIII

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    Because you guys aren't addressing the real problem. IM GAY and I don't WANT TO BE. Your so called support doesn't help the issue I have. Did you ever consider that this is a special case (like there might be others) of someone who is trapped in a method of being that they don't enjoy but can't control? You don't want to help, if you did you would try to force me to accept something that is not only not me but has been nothing but trouble since I discovered it.

    People on here say they understand, but no you don't. You clearly don't know me or what goes on in my head. I've tried the acceptance part already but it failed miserably. It was more like denial, saying it was ok when deep down I knew I wasn't on with it. It didn't matter if the people around me were fine with it, I was not.

    I was hoping to find someone here who understood my perspective but that doesn't seem to be the case. It's just people wanting me to be something I'm not and that I don't like to be.
     
  11. PatrickUK

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    This isn't a special case actually. You are supposing that it is special and rare, when it's not. Many people have experienced these same feelings. Admittedly, they haven't experienced them in precisely the same way as you and to that extent you are right that we don't know what goes on in your head, but this situation and the resulting feelings are far from unique to you (or even a very small minority).

    The crux of the issue is that we are not telling you what you want to hear and we're not going to either, because it would run counter to the ethos of this forum. We are never going to force you, or attempt to force you to be something that you are not - it's just not happening here.

    We do want to help, but you are frustrating and resisting all of our efforts to do so. In many ways this is normal and to be expected, but you need to try to meet us half way. If you don't like what we are saying and you don't want to, fair enough, it's entirely your choice, but we can't do anymore. As it stands we are just going round in circles and getting nowhere.
     
  12. DAXIII

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    Do those people have the experience to back it up? They might have faced societal dislike for being gay, but this is personal. It's based on experience in the community and other aspects. Public dislike of it hasn't been an issue with me. As I said before, the whole world could be fine with it and I won't be. You keep saying it's the same as others but it's not, I know that from having spoken with them.

    You are telling me things that aren't and won't ever help me. Unless you can tell me how to fix it and remove it then this issue will remain. What you are trying to do here is make me be something I'm not and don't want to be. I believe as I said before, calling myself gay causes me physical pain. Every day that I'm like this is agony. I don't want to accept that this is irreversible. There has to be something I can do.
     
  13. Nickw

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    DAX

    Again, I am sorry you feel this way. In the last post you asked if others felt this.


    I felt this way and reading in this forum, especially the later in life threads, this is pretty common. As a young man, I simply refused to accept that I had same sex attractions. I hated this part of me and after any sort of gay sexual activities as a young man I tried to pray this away. I hated to think about what I had done and I hated myself for it. Being bisexual I did find love, enjoy sex with women, get married. But, for a long time I would look in the mirror and hate my attraction to men and wish I could rid myself of it. I, like you, am really not good at denial...I wanted to confront it and rid myself of it. But, I couldn't and I think you are beginning to understand that you cannot either.

    So, what do you do? Let's be practical about this for a second. You can NOT have sex with men. This was what I did. For a number of years, I just didn't have sex...with anybody (male or female) because I didn't want to think about it. Masturbation was a release only and I refused to fantasize to even think about sex. So, it can be done...for awhile. But, I was not happy and it affected my relationships with everybody because I refused to let myself be vulnerable and engage my feelings.

    Please don't do this. We are, deep inside, what we are. I know you hate these sort of statements because there is no proof. But, the proof is that those of us that get beyond what you are feeling, and I felt, discover satisfaction and happiness. There is nothing else to offer besides our experiences.
     
  14. I'm gay

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    This is the crux of the whole thread right here, Dax.

    There is no fixing it, so we can't tell you how to fix it.

    There is no removing it, so we can't tell you how to remove it.

    You don't want to accept that it's irreversible, but it is irreversible.

    You say there has to be something you can do, and there is - accept yourself for who you really are and stop fighting it. You've said that doing that would be defeat and then would kill yourself. How can we possibly combat that?

    We aren't trying to MAKE you do anything, just trying to get you to see that you can either continue to wallow in this or not. It's your choice and always has been.

    You have rejected every single piece of advice given to you. I ran out of advice and stopped posting in this thread a while ago. Barbatus, bless your heart, has continued to try to reach you to no avail. You don't give an inch because conceding even a single idea for you seems like defeat.

    You are better at refusing advice and rejecting our opinions than we are all combined at giving it. You totally win in this thread and seem to have achieved your objective.

    Congratulations.

    By the way, you aren't the only member of EC to refuse all of our help. Many others have done so as well. What you don't see is that your acceptance or non-acceptance doesn't affect me or anyone else here. The only person who this has consequences for is you.

    I'm sorry I wasn't able to reach you. I tried.

    Take care. :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:ride:
     
  15. DAXIII

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    Because I have tried your rhetoric before and it has failed time and again. I can't pretend I am ok with this. I thought I was fine with it before but I'm clearly not. You also profoundly underestimate the level of hatred I have for being this way. It just goes to show you guys have nothing when faced against someone who truly doesn't like it and doesn't consider as something that is who they are.

    You don't know if it can't be fixed or removed because maybe people haven't tried hard enough. Or maybe there is someway around it. But I would rather die than live as this anymore. I could succeeds where others have failed.

    You haven't tried. You just give the same prepared speech I hear from every other place that I have gone to.
     
  16. Really

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    You don't want to be gay? Or sexual in any way? Then don't.

    Take up long distance running or rock climbing. Throw yourself into work. Do things that will exhaust you physically and mentally so you are too tired to think about your sexuality and where there aren't enough hours in the day to do anything about it even if you wanted to.

    From the sounds of it, you are letting this unhappiness dominate your life. Do something else. Even happily gay people have lives outside of their sexuality.
     
  17. EverDeer

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    Sooo, if you're gay as in you admire men and have admiration for men but no sexual interest in men or women, then aren't you just asexual with a romantic/aesthetic preference for men?? In which you wouldn't have to be "trying so hard" to be gay....if you don't want to have sex with someone in a relationship, then don't....there are people out there who will date you but not have sex with you if you'd like and would be willing to put in the energy to search for it.

    Also, I recall you saying quite a bit earlier on (pardon me for skipping around a bit, there's a heavy amount of text in this thread) that you don't value emotional/psychological strength as real strength. So my question is why in the world would you come fighting tooth and nail to wonder what to do about your situation only to blatantly ignore and deny all and any advice given to you? You have two options as I see it: deny or accept. Continue to disregard your emotions as true and valid and continue to deny and put down those who actively trust themselves and share their experiences because their emotionality means nothing to you, or don't. But personally, I don't think it makes much sense as to why you would fight for so long about what you don't want to hear, when you came searching for exactly that. Like you want to be convinced, but you're refusing to trust anyone else's opinion on the matter just to make yourself feel better. I get it, it sucks to feel this bad about yourself, it really does and it doesn't make your life easier. But you're the only one who has a choice over how you're supposed to feel and think about these things. If you truly believe people as a whole are weak and that you are "right" in some aspect, then prove them wrong. Prove you aren't weak and accept these things about yourself that are true and cannot be changed. There are many people who have spent their entire lives denying things and trying to change themselves in ways that their bodies INSTINCTUALLY react to and have only succeeded in dissociating from themselves. But I personally don't believe living as a shell is any life worth living when I can teach myself to be happy as what I already am. You said you want to remove the pain, well here's your answer: removing the "gay" WILL NOT remove your pain. You think it will because your brain is preoccupied with this fact. But you are only in pain because you are trying to deny something that is constantly there and you are trying to dissociate yourself from it. This is same reason that many people, psychologically, turn to things like drugs and alcohol to "cure" their depression. They're trying to change their brain's physical reaction to something so that they can feel like they've removed something that cannot be removed from their brains instead of choosing to deal with it and learning about what will actually make them feel better. Avoid all you want, but your problems will only continue to chase you until you face them head on and learn about them and about yourself and learn how to coexist with this truth within your mind and body.
     
  18. DAXIII

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    I have tried that before but my mind still dwells on it. I'm never "too tired to think".
     
  19. DAXIII

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    Sigh. You guys win. I crack. It's too hard to resist this day and night
     
  20. I'm gay

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    What does that mean?
     
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