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Don't want to be gay

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by DAXIII, Oct 26, 2016.

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  1. DAXIII

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    It's exactly what it says. I'm tired of it all. I honestly wish I was born straight. I don't really want to mix too many words in regards to it, but this is a part of me that I do not accept and want gone. Isn't there anything one can do?
     
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  2. Lora

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    Why can't you accept this part of you? This being gay is just among the many parts that make you a whole person. Self acceptance is what you need. If you reach this stage, the rest will not matter.
     
    #2 Lora, Oct 26, 2016
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  3. DAXIII

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    Because so far everything having to do with it hasn't been good. I don't even like sex with men yet I find myself wanting it still.

    I wanted to fall in love with a woman but I'm stuck with men.
     
  4. Justletgo

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    I understand. But trust me. You can't repress who you are. You'll end up more and more conflicted. I recommend a therapist. Therapy has helped me tremendously. I wish j had an easier way. For you and me, both. But facing the truth is the only way for both of us to be healthy.
     
  5. DAXIII

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    How can it possibly be who I am if I dislike it so much? How can it be so when having sex with men feels wrong and I want to fall in love with women?
     
  6. Justletgo

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    Maybe because of societal norms. We were taught from birth that we should be attracted to women. To want to date them. To marry them and breed with them. It's all we knew. Now we are looking at ourselves from our own perspective. Not what society says we should be. Its s hard pill to swallow. I'm still struggling with it.
     
  7. johndeere3020

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    DAXIII, If anyone here had a choice, would they choose to be gay? I've struggled for a very long time myself with the words that you wrote and I can tell you that you must find a way to be ok with who you are.
     
  8. DAXIII

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    But who says that is what we have to be (ourselves)? Even among others we act within what is acceptable. Also I say how can I accept something that I don't enjoy, that seems like a curse than anything else? It doesn't feel right and yet I want it.

    It's so frustrating that while I admire women I cannot feel for them the same things I feel for men. I ask why. I didn't ask to be this way. I don't get why people act like it's so great.

    There is little chance I will be ok. Finding out I was this way was absolutely horrifying. As if I couldn't be more different from everyone else I had to tack something else on the list to make life more complicated.
     
  9. Barbatus

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    Hi DAXIII,

    I think the others here have made a good point about acceptance - basically acceptance is the only way you will be able to feel comfortable with yourself. If you aren't aiming for self-acceptance then what are you looking for? You cannot change whether you are gay or not.

    However, what you say about not liking sex with men - which implies that you have had sex with men - may be because you haven't accepted being gay, it could be that because of how you feel about being gay that you cannot enjoy it. On the other hand, you may just not like sex, not everyone does, and it can be difficult without an understanding partner to find out what (if any) kind of sex you like. Some people for example are exclusively tops because that's what they enjoy. Have you had sex with women? If so what did that feel like?

    As for why be ourselves - what else can we be? Most people are happy being gay not because they are gay per se but because they are happy living their lives in a way that they find fulfilling. If you aren't going to accept being gay then no one can make you - but you surely realise that you would have to spend you life repressing a major part of yourself and living in a way that denies you romantic fulfillment. Why do you have such a strong view against homosexuality?

    I'm sorry if some of my points come across as a bit harsh but you have to realise that you cannot change whether or not you are gay and, while you can live a life denying you are gay, you will only be happy if you accept yourself as you are.
     
  10. DAXIII

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    No I cannot be happy accepting who I am, because that would be having to recognize the cancer inside of me. It would be admitting defeat. I would rather be dead than have to continue living like this.
    And for the record we aren't ourselves. It's impossible for us to really know ourselves because we are biased. That said humans put on airs in front of others. No one wants the real you (unless it is socially acceptable).

    But as I said before, how can that possibly be me if I dislike it so much.
     
  11. Barbatus

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    Hi DaxIII,

    Why do you say it isn't yourself? You admit that these are your feelings and your attractions so in what sense are they not you? The fact that you don't like sex with men? I would surprised if enjoyed given your expressed revulsion at being gay. How can you enjoy something when you view in such negative terms?

    Why do you view being gay with such negativity?

    I'm really not sure what you are looking for here. People here are looking to resolve problems - either learning to move towards self-acceptance or dealing with problems related to other people. No one here is going to tell that being gay is wrong or bad, people here will only try support you in accepting that you are gay. If you aren't looking for that what are you looking for? Advice on how to live without acting on your feelings? How would that make you any happier now? You cannot change whether you are gay or not so if you are not trying to accept it what are you trying to do?
     
  12. SystemGlitch

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    I dislike the fact that I'm shy, the fact that I have feminine behaviours, the fact that I get angry very easily. Doesn't stop it being who I am.

    Being gay isn't a bad thing, it isn't "cancer", it's just a state of being. There are many many people in the world who like the same sex, it doesn't make them a bad person and it isn't a bad thing. The fact of the matter is, it's something that you can't change... and the sooner you realise that, the sooner you'll come to accept it and understand it. No one WANTS to be gay, it's much harder to be gay than be straight. But it is possible to be happy being gay.

    I would really honestly do as people earlier in the thread suggested and go see a therapist. They can't make you "not gay" but they can help with the emotions you're feeling. When people discover they are gay they tend to go through the stages of grief - from the sounds of it, you're somewhere in the denial/bargaining area right now. A therapist can help you get through these stages and come out on the other side as someone who is happy with themself, and happy with life.

    If you really want to, then you don't need to "be" gay. You can hide it, you can find a woman that you guess is okay and that you want to marry and have kids with. But I really don't think that will make you happy... If anything I think it'd feel worse, because you'd always have the "secret" of being gay inside you. The only way that you can be happy is to accept that you are gay and that you aren't interested in women. There's no point lusting after something that isn't going to happen, it honestly only causes pain.
     
  13. DAXIII

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    I said I want to cut it out. Finding out that I was this way has been awful. Even my experiences with other guys hasn't been good. To community isn't accepting, the anonymous sex and the pressure to have it is pretty much everywhere, body image, even having to act a certain way and be for "the cause". I hate every living minute of it. Not to mention the though of being with a guy just seems so viscerally wrong to me. And yet I still think about it. Also when it comes to sex there is a difference between it feeling good and feeling right. Feeling good is just physical stimulation, anyone can do that.

    I view it in such a way because my time as one has been terrible.

    ---------- Post added 27th Oct 2016 at 12:58 PM ----------

    It's also like people who say that they want to quit smoking because that's not who they are. The same can be said for people who choose not to identify with their home country or race, because it's not who they are.

    To me this is a cancer. As of right now, by saying I don't want it, the desires seem to have gone away. I don't really feel anything towards women, but at least towards men it's fading.
     
  14. guitar

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    As someone who struggled with the negative aspects of being gay for years, I can understand where the OP is coming from. In highschool and my early 20s, I did everything possible to push down being gay. As one gay friend of mine says, "being gay kind of sucks." And there are absolutely draw backs with our sexuality that straight people don't face. They don't have to come out, they can have kids a million times easier (barring health issues with fertility), they don't face social stigmas and hate-filled people who would fire them or discriminate against them in some way. The sleepless nights of whether someone will like you or not if you come out to them.

    So yeah, there are totally reasons one would not want to be gay. I get it. I fought against who I was for a decade as a result.

    But you know what? There are some wonderful parts of being gay too. For one thing, to a lot of people, the tribulations gay people face commands a certain respect from most of our allies. For another, after coming out, a lot of us grow so much stronger and secure in who we are as people. Not just in my sexuality, but because I've had to build up a thick skin to say "I am who I am, and I don't care who knows it." gave me a lot of strength and confidence in other areas of my life.

    Plus, if you're attracted to men and not women, no amount of wishing will make you attracted to women. What really helped pushed me through and get used to being gay, was having gay friends. As I started to meet more gay people and having boyfriends, that opened up a whole other world where I could see that, yes, there are really sucky aspects of LGBT culture, but there are amazing aspects too. People who look out for each other. Plus coming out opened me up to so many friends. They say I'm far less stressed now and much more pleasant to be around. I can chase what/who I really desire and don't have to ashamed for being who I am, and loving who I love.

    In some of your posts, it sounds like you're very uncomfortable with being gay. How much exposure have you had with gay culture? Gay media? Gay people? It definitely takes some getting used to - there's a whole different world out there, and it's one I'm still getting used to.

    I would HIGHLY recommend you check out a couple of LGBT movies, books, or TV shows to get your feet wet. Half of the feeling of not wanting to be gay literally comes from being ignorant about gay culture and the like. One thing I would absolutely recommend you start with is a documentary called Brainwash: Gay/Straight. It's on Youtube, Vimeo, etc. That discusses a lot of the science and so forth involved in being gay. Beyond that, if you want more recommendations I can recommend a ton of movies, documentaries, books - fiction and real, etc.
     
    #14 guitar, Oct 27, 2016
    Last edited: Oct 27, 2016
  15. silverhalo

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    I'm really sorry you feel this way. I'm not sure there is anything anyone here can say to you that will change your opinion or get to see things in a different way because at least at the moment you are not open to that.
    As others have said being gay can be crap and I don't think anyone would chose it but you don't get the choice. You can chose not to act on the urges and the urges may come and go but they will still be there.
    Viewing your sexuality as a cancer means I am not surprised you haven't enjoyed the sex you have had, if you have the opinion that is wrong then you are always going to have guilt and hostility towards it.

    I know you probably think that non of us understand where you are coming from or how bad you feel but believe me between us we do, many of us have been where you are right now and come through the other side. I know you think that isn't what you want but I really urge you to stick around and just chat to some of the members here and listen to their stories. Being gay doesn't have to be about casual hook ups and stereotypes.
     
  16. DAXIII

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    I dislike it when people say they know where I am coming from, because they don't. They don't view it as a cancer. Something that you want to cut out. The hate of being attracted to guys when you want to be with women.

    People can say they understand, but I know that to be a lie. I can say I understand, but I know that's just the correct thing to say, not the true thing to say.

    ---------- Post added 27th Oct 2016 at 02:49 PM ----------

    I would have to say that you are wrong about the wonderful parts about it. Every gay guy I have met wants to make you into their version of gay. I found more tolerance among my conservative relatives then the gay community. People don't respect your decisions and want to make you do things. They don't look it for you unless you are actually attractive, and even then it's not a guarantee. As I said, they are awful.

    As for the strength, I don't view it as such. There is no strength or honor in a pointless struggle that is self inflicted. That gays struggle isn't a badge of honor, is pathetic. A fight to just be ALLOWED to live like the rest of the world. It's not a fight, it's a tantrum being thrown by a kid when they want to be treated like an adult and they won't stop until the parents give them what they want. Breaking through into space, climbing a mountain, surviving after being stranded. Those are struggles that show strength. But fighting just to be like everyone else, it just seems so weak and sad. Bear in mind that you are asking permission to be like others, that isn't fighting.

    Even though I can't rip it out, I do take joy somewhat every time the community has a setback or bad event.
     
  17. Lora

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    We all have demons in our head, ei?

    Imagine some or a lot of people who view that masturbation is a kind of evil thing that they don't like doing but wanting it...craving for it and doing it. And after each time they masturbated and came, after, they realised what they've done, they would beat themselves and call God to forgive them because it's all wrong and dirty. Afterall, the bible says, 'the body is the temple of the Lord.' So, every time they lust, every time they succumbed to masturbation, they think they violate the temple of the Lord and by doing so, they hurt the Lord.

    So, DAXIII, this gay thing. You view this as the demon in your head? Is that right?
     
  18. DAXIII

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    Metaphorically speaking you could say that. I also have a similar stance towards masturbation. It's like my body reacts when I don't do it, so it's less of a choice to do it and more of a compulsion.
     
  19. Creativemind

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    Maybe hook-ups just aren't for you. Have you only had sex in a hook-up? You might find that sex with a boyfriend is more pleasing for you if you're that kind of person. Being gay doesn't have to be about promiscuity. We live in a hook-up culture in general, so straight women are also facing similar issues with men. Men in general are very visual creatures and judge more on appearance. Straight women and gay men have noted to have more self-esteem problems when it comes to trying to attract someone.

    Of course, your lack of enjoyment might come from having self homophobia. I would suggest therapy, but sometimes that doesn't help. I had therapists with heterosexist beliefs in the past and they just made my lack of acceptance for myself even worse. I gained more acceptance through the LGBT community.

    Of course the LGBT community has It's bad sides too, like you said. I agree that people in the community can force others to be only one way or another.

    I sympathize deeply with your problems. I have felt like you my whole life, although I never wished to be straight. I think I just wished to be asexual to not deal with relationships or sex on either side.
     
    #19 Creativemind, Oct 27, 2016
    Last edited: Oct 27, 2016
  20. SystemGlitch

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    I don't personally understand about hating your sexuality because I've never had an issue with mine. I can understand it in relation to how I've felt about my gender, though. I hated myself and I hated what I "wanted" to be (even though there is no 'want' to it, it's just how I am) and for a couple of months I tried desperately to change it because I thought I'd give anything to be "normal". I pretended it didn't exist or that I was making it up, but I only ended up making myself hurt more. So, I can at least relate to it.

    So was campaigning and arguing for black rights also pathetic and weak? The right to not be treated like an animal due to the color of your skin, and to be treated like a human instead? Because that's all gay people want - to be treated like a human. How is that a tantrum, to want basic decency and respect? Should everyone gay just lie down and let themselves be beaten and killed for something they can't control? I'm pretty sure if everyone started to attack you and mock you because of your hair color or because you liked the taste of tomatoes, you'd argue back that your hair and your taste doesn't make you a lesser person. It's strong to stand up for yourself and who you are, not weak.

    And that is simply petty.
     
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