Hello, There is something that has been bothering me. And that is coming out to my family. Recently my dad 's health got worse and now I have even more responsibilities and pressure on me. I've been thinking that I want to come out, yet I don't wish to do it at the same time. I feel like, if I tell it causes more worry to my family, but I feel like, if I don't tell, then I will regret my decision, when my parents health gets so bad, that I will loose them and it's inevitable at some point. I don't think they will be here for many years to come, just because of their health. I've been thinking of coming out for a long time and can't seem to bring myselt to tell at all. I feel quilty that I'm hiding such a big secret like this. I feel like I'm living many different lives. My own happiness should matter the most, yet something holds me back.
I'm sorry you have to deal with this, it's not fun, no fair and I wish you didn't get stuck in that situation. I have no idea what to do but wanted to give consolation for what it's worth. I was in a mental crisis probably when I told mine so that sucked and not what I'd wish on anyone. Others here know how to do it somehow so I hope they can give you advice. Hang in there buddy
Thank you. This means a lot. Mostly I wanted to get these thoughts out and I discussed it with my therapist too. I don't think I get thrown out, since I'm needed, but at the same time I fear the opinions and those opinions being bad for my mental health, what is already bad. I already regret that I didn't discover this sooner.
Your post raises important questions. As self-accepting LGBTs, we tend to believe that coming out is always the best choice. That's understandable, because we suffer so much from being silenced and denied. Coming out is important for ourselves and our community. But it's not always that simple. In the rich West, we live in a culture that thrives on exposing everything - telling the world what we ate for breakfast on Instagram or sending nude selfies to people who might, uh, not be interested. We forget that context and timing also matter. Sharing isn't always better. If your parents are struggling with their health, which will also put stress on you, there's no shame in waiting for a better time, or choosing not to tell them at all. At the very least, I think you can hold on a little longer to listen to your heart, and decide what it's telling you.
Thank you. I fully agree with you. It's just there is so much waiting involved, that I'm getting impatient and it's frustrating. There is a lot to loose, but also something to gain.
I know exactly where you're coming from, Rain. In my case it's coming out to my stepson. My aim is to do it this year. After my late partner's/his mother's memorial service? Yes. After his GCSE retake? Don't know... I'm so aware that me coming out is probably the last thing he needs in his life right now. Incoming is right - it's complicated. Hugs, Beth x
Maybe, it's even good to do it after memorial service because other things occupy their mind and your news won't have such a big impact, because there are worse things out there, than someone's gender identity and having a bad reaction to it? This is my thought process about it. But yeah, deciding exactly when to do it is a challenge. Do I wait more, until hopefully their health is better or now, while they need me and can't throw me out? Do I do it after starting hormones, so no one can tell me not to, because I've already started? I really wish to graduate uni with a new name. It is complicated. I wish it wasn't. I hope everything goes well for you to come out to your stepson. Hope you update us on how it goes. Keeping my fingers crossed. Somehow for me it was easier to come out to my friend and medical proffessionals, but family is another thing. Hugs, Rain
Hey Rayland, I think coming out to the important people in your life is a really healthy thing to do, assuming you feel safe in doing so. I'm still figuring out my sexuality but lifting the burden of the secret by telling my family and close friends definitely helped my state of mind a lot. It was fine on the other side of coming out. I just told them I was bi. There's a lot of stress and shame that hangs around when you're closeted that lifts when you let your people in. I've actually talked to my parents quite a lot about it all since coming out. My Mum in particular but I'm glad she knows who I am. I think it's likely that you'll regret not telling them if your time with them runs out. Children aren't a burden on parents. I understand why you wouldn't want to worry them but they'll process it like they have everything else that comes up in life. It sounds like you're really there for your parents and even if times are tough, I'm sure they'll want to be there for you, even if it's not easy. There's a lot to weigh up, I'm sure and I understand your reluctance to risk the stability of your mental health if their responses are challenging to deal with. It could benefit your mental health quite a lot if you can get through it though. Good luck!
Thank you, @Andoni you raise up some really good points and it's very helpful. I will think about it. Maybe it would be easier, if I wouldn't know that my dad is homophobe and just very ignorant, but I hope he will get used to it all and deals with it, like I have dealt with my internalized homophobia/transphobia.
It will likely take him some time to process it all, so you may need to be patient with him for a while, difficult as that may be. If he's facing his own mortality, perhaps he will be able to realise that he loves you and that's the most important thing. My own father is very homophobic. I was actually quite angry at him when I told him. I was angry that he had been able to make me fearful of telling him at all. In telling him, I removed that power from him. In doing so, I essentially took the power that anyone could have over me in that regard. But he and I do love each other and it didn't change anything. I don't imagine he likes that I'm bi or gay. I think he probably separates his love for me from his disdain for homosexuality. Obviously there's another layer to your situation with your gender identity. Perhaps you can tell your parents about one thing or the other first if that's easier. I would probably just get it all out there in one conversation though. You have a better read than anyone else on whether the time is right (or just a necessity based on the situation) and whether it's the best option. With coming out, there's a moment where you have the information in your mind and you know you're about to put it out into the room. Then you just push past that, throw the words out there and the next thing you know, you're in the middle of talking about it. I am sorry to hear that your parents aren't well though. That surely makes the rest of what you're dealing with that much harder.
Hey, I wanted to say thank you for sharing your story. Hearing how it went for others really helps. I'm glad how that didn't change anything. I think the timing for me just isn't right yet, but now I have an idea how I will approach this. I will get on hormones first, they might flip out, but it's my body and my decision and they just gonna have to accept it. I will go with the flow of it all. With sexuality I have already decided not to tell, because it's no one elses business. Besides being polysexual I have loads of choices, with which gender person I might end up with. It will problably work out somehow.
