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Do you think my father is a homosexual?

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by I am straight, Aug 17, 2021.

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  1. I am straight

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    I've been a lurker here for 8 years, but I rarely post. I have suspected my father is a closeted homosexual since I was 14 years old. I want to tell you all why I think that my father is a closeted homosexual, and I would like your feedback on whether or not you agree with me.

    My father has never said that he is a homosexual, but my sisters and I believe that my father is a homosexual. I believe that my father is a homosexual based on three pieces of evidence. 1# My father has never shown any sexual interest in any woman whatsoever that I am aware of. My male friends think that my mother is a very physically attractive woman (far more attractive than my homely father or myself), but I strongly believe that the only time he ever had sex with my mother was when he was trying to conceive me and my siblings. My father and my mother sleep in separate bedrooms.

    2# One time I walked into my house from outside when my dad was not expecting me to come home. My dad was watching a show on tv. This show seemed like a Spring Break event show filmed in Panama City, Florida, perhaps on MTV. On the show, there were these lean, muscular naked men on an outdoor stage with whip cream over their genitals. When my dad saw that I (unexpectedly) walked in the room, he ran to the tv to change the channel. I'm 100% certain that my dad only changed the channel because I entered the room, not because he had no interest in watching this show with the naked, muscular men.

    3# My dad is a boxing fan. This sport involves shirtless, lean muscular men boxing each other. That in and of itself does not mean anything. But one time my dad and I were considering going to attend a live professional boxing event. My dad was talking about the benefits of attending. My dad said that the male boxers "are so slim" as if he thought that watching these lean, muscular guys was a benefit of going to watch the live boxing event. The comment that the boxers are so slim was definitely made in the context of the benefits of attending the live boxing event. What straight guy would think that watching "slim guys" would be a benefit of watching boxing?

    The fact that my dad has zero sexual interest in my mom was never discussed in my family until I brought it up when I was about 20 years old. I was with my entire family eating dinner, and I suggested that my mom "should have an affair and get a real boyfriend. Dad wouldn't mind." My dad was not offended at all. My dad laughed and agreed with me. Then I said the same thing when just my sisters and me were alone, and one of my sisters said "I think that dad is gay. It doesn't matter that he married mom." My other sister said she also think my dad is gay.

    When I say that I think my dad is a homosexual, I am just saying that I think that he feels physically attracted to physically attractive men. I don't think that my dad has a sexual relationship with any men. He probably has never had sex with a man in his life.

    Based on all this information, do you agree with me that it is highly likely that my dad is a closeted homosexual?
     
    #1 I am straight, Aug 17, 2021
    Last edited: Aug 17, 2021
  2. I am straight

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    Before I saw my dad watching the tv show with the naked, muscular men when I was 14 years old, I thought that my father was either asexual or that he was an extremely inhibited heterosexual. I knew that my father's relationship with my mom was not within the norm, but it did not occur to me that he might be gay. When I saw my father watching the tv show with the naked, muscular men when I was 14 years old, a lightbulb immediately lit up in my mind, and it just about instantly occurred to me that my father is probably a homosexual.
     
  3. chicodeoro

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    And if he is, so what?
     
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  4. I am straight

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    If he is homosexual, it would not change my relationship with him at all or how I treat him. I'm just asking everyone's opinion on this out of curiosity. Curiosity is a human trait. I am a human.
     
  5. I am straight

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    Before anyone asks me why I don't ask my father himself if he is gay, let me say this: I don't ask my father whether or not he is gay because I don't want to upset him. If my father is gay and wanted to talk about it, he would tell me that he is gay. Since you people don't know me or my father and have never even seen me or my father, it's not like I am outing him by posting this stuff here.
     
  6. quebec

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    I am straight.....Hello and even though you've been a member since 2013...A great big LGBTQIA+ Welcome to Empty Closets! :old_smile: I think that you are most likely correct. He sounds a lot like me. I have three sons and I'm gay. The difference is that I did come out even though it was at the age of 64. If your father is gay he may choose to never come out. For a while I was convinced that I would never come out. It took me a year after I accepted that I was gay before I told one person face-to-face that I was gay (therapist) and even then I thought I would never tell anyone else. It's something that's completely up to him. You and your sisters might get together and discus ways of carefully hinting that being gay isn't a bad thing and it would be OK...that's difficult to do, but possible. Also it's may be that your father is bisexual rather that gay. At any rate, I have to at least agree that he is probably not straight.
    .....David :gay_pride_flag:
     
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  7. I am straight

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    Thanks for sharing your opinion.


    The fact that to my knowledge, my father has never shown a shred of sexual interest in any woman makes me think my dad is homosexual, not bisexual. Of the three pieces of evidence that I have that my father is gay, the fact that my father has never shown any sexual interest in a woman whatsoever is the strongest piece of evidence of all in my opinion.

    My sisters both think that my dad is gay, and they don't even know about the tv show my dad watched with the naked men or about my dad's comment about watching "slim guys" being a benefit of watching a live boxing event.
     
    #7 I am straight, Aug 17, 2021
    Last edited: Aug 17, 2021
  8. out2019

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    Just because someone doesn't have interest in sex doesn't make them gay. For example you father may have some childhood trauma, and many couples sleep apart as they get older because of physical health problems (one is a light sleeper for example).
    Many men are very private about sex - even gay men -so again, there is nothing unusual about a parent not showing sexual behavior in front of their own children.

    Why the interest ? why a name like "I am straight" are sure there is not more to your interest here? I don't mean this offensively but this almost sounds like a 'i have a friend who might be gay' post. :slight_smile:
     
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  9. I'm gay

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    Hi I am straight,

    Confronting, or even hinting at, your dad with your suspicions won't likely yield the result you are looking for. His potential reaction all depends upon his level of self acceptance (of course this is even assuming that he is gay), but understand that if he is gay, he has likely spent his life in denial and shame - he will probably resist any attempt you make to out him. He may fear losing his marriage, the respect of his peers, the loss of his social identity.

    Just like Quebec, I once thought that I would take my secret to the grave with me. Even after reaching self acceptance of being gay it still took me a full two years before I was ready to come out to anyone else.

    I understand your genuine desire to help him, but until he is ready I think your attempts may make things worse and drive him even deeper into the closet. The most I would recommend you doing is signaling your support for LGBTQ people and letting him percolate on that for a while.

    Finally, please stop using "homosexual" and use gay instead.
     
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  10. Chip

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    I'm with Quebec. I think your dad is probably gay. I'm also with I'm Gay in that I think that taking any steps to "help" him would likely cause more harm or discomfort. Assuming your dad is in his 60s, unless he is taking the steps to come to terms, it may simply not be something he is ready for, or may ever be ready for.

    I get that it would be nice to have certainty, but I think you need to let go of your concern for that and simply be OK with not knowing.
     
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  11. QuietPeace

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    A persons sexuality is their own business, no one should ever be outed by anyone nor should they ever be pressured to come out. Your parents have been together for a long time and they at least seem fine with their current relationship. None of the things that you have stated are proof that he is gay (though it does seem that it might be likely as several people have said). If he is then it is up to him to decide if he ever wants to come out, and if he decides not to that is also his business. Why not leave him to his life and concentrate your energy on your own?
     
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  12. PatrickUK

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    First of all, I want to say how sorry I am that you have received some spiky responses in this thread to your question and user name. You don't deserve that. There is nothing remotely offensive in what you asked and I can understand, as a son, how you would like to know. I imagine, on some level, you feel at a distance from your father, as you suspect there to be an elephant in the room that you can't pass.

    I think all of the things taken together might indicate that your father is gay, but I tend to agree that he will only tell you himself if/when he is ready. I suspect your mother may know the truth, but she too doesn't wish to divulge the information, probably because he still loves her and she still loves him. We tend to assume the love has died when there is no hint of physical intimacy or attraction, but the love between them may still exist, albeit in a different way.

    There may be subtle ways of reassuring your father, by talking kindly and sensitively about gay people you know or hear about, or expressing support for things like same sex marriage, but you need to tread carefully so as not to engineer a conversation and spook him. Although most members of the LGBT+ community carry a huge emotional weight and feel burdened by the secret of their sexuality or gender identity, there are some (a very small minority) who never wish to share the reality of who they are. We may not think it healthy, but we also have to respect people's choices and decisions.

    My best advice would be to love your dad for who you know him to be and maybe one day, from that place of mutual love and affection the truth will emerge.

    Thanks for asking the question and lurking around the forum to gain more knowledge and understanding.
     
  13. Ingvermama

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    Hi, I would say just enjoy your Dads company and don’t worry about his sexuality. He’ll come out if he wants or needs to, and if he doesn’t, then it hopefully won’t change your relationship with him.
     
  14. out2019

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    I did not mean this offensively, but I think lurking here for 8 years about someone else's sexuality and having a name like that would be at least cause to ask the question.

    I still don't see any overt proof his father is gay. Not being interested in sex does not mean someone is gay. Watching boxing does not mean someone is gay. I also don't think its odd for parents to not be sexual in front of the their children. My father never cat called or talked about women in front of his children, that doesn't make him gay.
     
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  15. I am straight

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    Regarding my user name, you know how us straight guys are. 99.9% of straight guys cannot even mention that another man is good looking without saying "no homo". If i post on a message board about gay people coming out of the closet, i have to compensate for the strangeness of it by broadcasting that i am straight. If i had it to do over, i would make my user name: the closeted heterosexual----lol

    It is not really merely about my dad not being interested in sex so much as it is about there never being any indications that he finds ANY woman attractive.

    I agree that watching boxing does not mean one is gay. Indeed, boxing is generally a very macho sport. Why didn't you address the point of this? The point about what i said about boxing is that my dad listed the boxers being "so slim" as a benefit of attending live boxing matches.

    There is no smoking gun here that conclusively proves beyond all doubt that my father is gay. I agree. I am not 100% sure that my father is gay. Thats why i made the thread. If i was 100% certain, i would not have created this thread. To ise the standard of proof in criminal law in America, I think that the totality of the evidences proves beyond a reasonable doubt that my father is gay (but not beyond ALL doubt), not that it is a crime to be gay though haha
     
  16. I am straight

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    Your right that a person's sexual orientation is their own business. Thats why i have never told my sisters or anyone else in real life about how my dad was watching the tv show with the naked men, and i have never told my sisters or anyone else about my dad's comment about the boxers being so slim.

    Nobody here knows or has ever seen my dad, so i am not outing him by posting this stuff.
     
  17. I am straight

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    Thats the first time i have seen someone write or heard someone say the word homosexual is offensive.

    If my dad is gay, he probably doesnt come out because he thinks it is nobody else's business and he doesnt want to deal with the stigma.

    I am sure that losing the marriage is not the reason my dad does not come out because it is a 100% sexless marriage anyway. My youngest sister was born in 1983. My mom told me that after my youngest sister was born, my parents did not want to have any more kids. I would be shocked if my parents had sex even one time after 1983.
     
    #17 I am straight, Aug 18, 2021
    Last edited: Aug 18, 2021
  18. I am straight

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    I did not create this thread with the purpose of helping him if he is gay. I would never bring this topic up with my dad.

    I simply created this thread out of curiosity. I was/am curious if other people agree with me that the three pieces of evidence i submitted make it likely that my dad is gay. So far, it seems like most people do agree with me.
     
  19. Shoun

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    Based on what you said it does sound like he's gay and I also think it's wise that you never bring up the topic.
     
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  20. Unsure77

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    So, for what it’s worth, gay men and lesbians tend to be uncomfortable with the word “homosexual” because of the way it’s historically been used. Namely in things like religious contexts (with pastors describing us in negative terms) or during debates about our legal rights or discussions about whether our sexual orientation was a mental condition. It’s basically never used by people who have positive feelings or intent towards our community. It’s almost always because we’re being spoken about as a problem to be solved or an alien thing to be observed and commented on.

    We know you didn’t know. Just know it’s an uncomfortable words for a lot of lgbt people because of who has historically used it and how. I don’t know that it’s a slur. It’s just uncomfortable.

    Good luck with your dad.
     
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