Different gazes

How can I tell a difference between a friendly gaze, attraction or sexual interest (or other)? I’m new to all of this and there’s a woman at a cafe who’s been winking and quite intensely gazing at me. I’m flattered by the attention she’s giving me, and at the same time feel a bit uncomfortable because I’m not looking for anything romantic or sexual right now. I wouldn’t mind a friendly conversation, I guess. I’m also aware that I’ve been looking at women more after I gave myself a permission to do that after many years of feeling shame about it. So while I’ve been enjoying that I sometimes I worry I may have welcomed romantic or sexual interest by doing that. I don’t know how I would feel is she approached me, and I probs wouldn’t approach her given her initial interest seems a bit more on the sexy side.

 

Thanks. It helps to hear I’m not the only one not knowing what a woman is thinking or how she’s looking. I feel something similar - excited and vulnerable when meeting someone’s gaze. I do feel that I appear more open - after I came out I’ve been feeling a confidence growing around people which is new to me. I’m also going through a divorce and have depressive thoughts around that so I’m not feeling very energetic/sexy at the moment. Where I’m at is like a curious observing mode… I feel this woman’s quite upfront and energetic like a force of nature really so I fear we wouldn’t ”meet in the middle” for the time being… Those qualities tho piqued my interest initially. What’s maybe slightly off-putting is that she’s a bit of a flirt with everyone… That doesn’t mean we couldn’t become great friends I guess…

It’s been a good while since I’ve made a friend and never made a queer friend before irl. I’m feeling a bit scared. Any suggestions how I could strike up a friendly conversation especially around with these winks and gazes?

 

Thank you. Reading this helped me reflect on my present needs. I would like to have a friend to have some (non-sexual) fun with and who understands some of the challenges of coming out. To get a better sense about who she is, I might just go and say hello to her in a friendly way. I hope you don’t mind me asking also about what you think makes a gaze or a look flirtatious? Any thoughts? Mainly because I don’t want to do it to anybody without knowing. I don’t really smile a lot in general these days because I don’t want to give the wrong signals. But what if I’m just feeling happy and kind and want to smile? Am I just overthinking this? Obviously I am a novice *Sigh

 

It’s been nearly four weeks and once or twice a week we arrive and eat lunch at the same time!

I do feel more confident in my own skin these days, but when I catch her looking at me I look back at her without smiling. I probably look like a pretty expressionless/serious character to be honest as I feel a bit overwhelmed she’s looking at me. Don’t feel fully relaxed so not smiling… Good point about little waving. I’m not sure I feel comfy doing it with her because of not wanting to return the flirt. But I’ve added it to my future repertoire

This is exciting! Thanks for writing it out in detail. I want to do this one day (if I’ve the guts). I probably won’t do this with her because it’s more than I would do with a potential friend. I’ll save it for someone in the future when I’m feeling flirty

 

Thank you. You wrote so clearly and I started to get a picture in my mind about the differences between someone being happy and being flirty. I wish someone would’ve taught this type of thing at school. I’ve struggled with reading people, making friends and don’t think I have actually ever flirted. No wonder. I was gay since I was a young girl but didn’t have those different interactions and always felt confused and like an outsider. No wonder everything felt a bit upside down. Sorry I sidetracked there a bit, just your post made me start to wonder about my growing up, what I learned or didn’t get to learn. Thank u <3

 

Reflecting back on what happens when I see this woman… I’m definitely feeling nervous/awkward when I feel she’s glancing at me. I then sometimes look ”back”, and find she’s still looking at me either very intensely and serious or she gives a big smile, or winks. Whatever different thing she does, my response is always ”just looking” haha I’m feeling so nervous, until I can’t take the intensity of it and then I look down. Then I feel a bit embarassed cos I feel I should’ve/could’ve known how to respond to it somehow ”better” but hey, I’m really just being me in the moment

 

I like this suggestion it’s sassy! might actually try this

 

Thank you. Knowing me, I’ll most likely en out, but I like to play the scenario out in my head

 

I mustered the courage to talk to her today. I turned to look at her in the queue and said a friendly hello and smiled… She then looked at me briefly without smiling and turned away. I came out from the cafe went to a park and started sobbing. I couldn’t understand why I was so affected. I guess at some point I must’ve developed feelings towards her without realising. She had been flirting a lot, I had been knowingly unavailable. I still developed feelings towards her. Now I feel like a teenager… The cafe’s next door from me it’s a bit hard to forget this… I guess it would’ve been hard for this to end in any other way as there had been no real progression to our journey of glances… I feel a bit foolish… Nevertheless I’m glad I tried to approach and now hopefully am much wiser about how I conduct myself with others…