I’ll try to only give relevant information but just know the story is much more complex. I have a very flexible personality, I can get along (or appear to others) with anybody. My personality (maybe that’s the wrong word for it) is just so weak so it has always been really hard to find myself. I’ve done a ton of thinking- and I realized that when I came out of the closet... to myself... I thought I had to change. I thought I had to be someone who I was not, I thought I had to like something that I don’t. I thought I had to like and date a stereotypical gay guy. I think this is what led me to my husband. I didn’t realize I could be myself and wait to find a guy that was perfect for me. The day after I left my very first relationship, I met my husband at 23. I had only been on one first date before this and I dated that guy for almost three years. Now here I was falling in love with the very next guy I met. Four months later we got married. The marriage was motivated by money. I was in the military at the time, and you get paid a lot more if you’re married. Closer to the marriage we realized we couldn’t do it for money and it had to be for real; so we got married in 2015, this was 4 months after we met! Even to this day, we get along SO well. We don’t fight, we have a ton in common, and we are just on the same page with a lot of topics. However, in 2017 I noticed my happiness was dwindling. My husband joined the navy and he was at school and deployments for the next four years. He was gone a ton and for long periods. I would say 50% of the time he was away…if not a higher percentage. I think this delayed marriage trouble, constant separation. So what’s the problem? I don’t feel like myself with my husband. I feel boring, muted, and apathetic. Over time my attraction to my husband has dwindled with my happiness. His lack of masculinity bothers me more and more. It feels like I have ZERO attraction to him. I don’t want him to touch me. Imagine someone at work touching you in a sensitive area, you might pull away or feel gross. I feel this way with my husband. I’m not ragging on anyone, this is just my preference. I don’t like feminine or flamboyant guys. There is nothing wrong with that, I have friends that I would describe as that and I love them. But for me, I like a masculine guy. I feel embarrassed around him. I don’t talk about him with friends or people at work. I feel done with him even though he has done nothing wrong. I am the one who changed. The problem is that I don’t think he has these feelings at ALL, he seems happy and fine. I feel like I’m not in love with him; but I care about him, and I don’t want to hurt him. A year ago we met a guy and got into a type of 3 way relationship. This guy (let’s call him Ryan) is much older than us but he is masculine, and the exact body type I am madly attracted to, and has a more compatible personality to me, I feel comfortable being myself around him. I have my reservations about Ryan, but he allowed me to realize there are guys out there who are what I’m looking for. It is possible to feel like yourself. This led me to question my marriage. I feel bad for wanting to leave my marriage…. All the people I will hurt. I just can’t live a sad life just to make other people happy. Next month Ryan is moving, and in 3 months I’m moving away for school. My husband will stay home and I will drive home to visit every month. I’m not happy and I feel done. I don’t want to fix it because I feel like our marriage has flawed foundations. I feel like this news will hit my husband like a freight train. He will not see it coming. I just don’t know what to do, or how to do it.
Alright, please only take this as advice and don't make a decision just based on my words but... Everything you describe sounds to me like you should absolutely leave this marriage. You say that you have zero attraction to your husband. That it feels gross when he touches you. I have been in a very similar situation. I wasn't married but in a long time relationship of a couple of years and I had no attraction to this partner and I didn't want to be touched by them. I also struggled to leave because I didn't want to make them unhappy and, like your husband, they had no clue about my true feelings. Long story short, leaving this partner (after months or even years of debating) was the best decision of my life. My only regret is that I didn't do it sooner. Yes, it hurt them but at least I was honest with them (at last) and both of us could then find somebody else who would truly want and love us. You are only making yourself miserable. And it isn't fair to your husband either because you aren't honest with him. Both you and your partner deserve to be happy and someone who you feel attracted to and to feel wanted by them. And honestly, it would surprise me if your husband didn't at least feel a little like something is off when you don't want to be touched by him. A couple of months after ending mentioned relationship, I found my current partner who is the first person ever, really, that I feel deeply attracted to and we have been very very happy together. What's more, the attraction is mutual. To think that I wouldn't have met him if I had stayed in this previous relationship just to tell a lie to my ex to not hurt them.... Words cannot express the agony I feel just thinking about this.
Ask yourself this: would you still feel conflicted about leaving if you were not married to him? Marriage is a wonderful thing, but it can over complicate what would otherwise be a regular break up. Divorce at the end of the day, though, is still basically a regular break up. I am not saying you should leave him, I am just encouraging you to take the complications of being married out of the equation for a second to see if that would sway your decision either way.
Well put. I’d leave in a heartbeat. I know deep down inside that’s the truth. Our two homes we have loans on, all of our stuff, and our dog who I love more than my husband are the things that complicate it. however I think once he comes to terms with the situation we will both be civil and be able to separate and split stuff and rent out our condo. I’d love to take our dog but I’m going to school to be a pilot and my husband is the only person I trust with our dog. I may have to part ways with them both.
thanks for the heartfelt response. I agree. It’s going to hurt but I think it’ll be the best decision I could ever make. It’s just so hard because our marriage isn’t filled with fighting and anger. It’s just me coexisting with someone. I need love.
No I won’t, he’s moving away. Far from both of us. I love to think that one day me and Ryan could have a future. Or at least attempt one.
I was also good friends with the person I mentioned in that previous relationship and I think that was also part of the reason it was hard for me to leave. We got along really well but at the end of the day there's more to a relationship than being friends. Like love and passion. I wish you all the best for the future and that you are able to separate from your husband peacefully. It's never easy but so worthwhile in the long run. Good luck!
I made another post about this, id appreciate your input https://forum.emptyclosets.com/index.php?threads/the-hole-in-the-soul.486677/ Im thinking maybe I am the problem, perhaps it comes from a lack of self love? I thought I loved myself until I read symptoms of lack of self love.
