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Deepening concern about my sexuality, advice?

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by SNatus, Sep 28, 2012.

  1. SNatus

    SNatus Guest

    A while ago, I posted on EC some thoughts about being confused about my sexuality. Well, it has now been two months since the Olympic men's swimming events, but my concern has only deepened since then.

    During the past two months, I've started grad school, joined some new groups on campus, and met a lot of interesting new people. My life is so much fuller now that I've opened my mind to a lot of things. However, part of that opening up has involved taking a hard look at inconvenient truths. Here are some things about myself and my desires that I can say for certain:

    -I feel a "spark" (accompanied by a rush of blood to my asshole area) when I see, or think about, an attractive man. This has been the case a long way back and is fairly consistent, although not 100%.
    -For a long time, this was something taboo, a place my mind did not go. When I did go there, I felt overpowering disgust at the thought of doing anything (even making eye contact) with another man. I didn't get hard-ons from it either.
    -My sexual fantasies have been predominantly about women. However, they have always been weak and muddled. Often, I imagined a vagina getting penetrated (and what the woman was feeling) but I was not the one doing the penetrating.
    -I feel no desire for "pretty boys" or "twinks". The "spark" only is kindled by strong, powerfully built men. Right now, I do get aroused by big muscles and thinking about what they could do to me. Let me leave it at that.
    -I have never looked at gay porn, but when in public, I do check out the men I see, without thinking about it.
    -There is still much internal resistance to all this which keeps bubbling to the surface. This resistance, along with my absolute terror of getting caught, has prevented me from acting on this.

    I'd like to know if other people here on EC have had similar thoughts, or advice.
     
    #1 SNatus, Sep 28, 2012
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 28, 2012
  2. Ticklish Fish

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    Well... I don't know how men's swimming is relevant to this?

    but I have to ask, do you want to hold hands/date/spend time with a man in a personal, emotion level?

    Or do just acknowledge the physical/emotional attractiveness of other men?

    I mean, biologically speaking, everyone have some secondary sex characteristics about them. the question is more of would you act on it.
     
  3. Lance

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    I'm not seeing very much that would lead me to believe that you're anything but gay. It sounds like you're at least becoming a little more comfortable and accepting of the fact that you are most likely gay, which is great and you should try to continue on that path. :slight_smile:

    I'm kind of embarrassed to admit, but I totally understand what you mean about the "spark" and blood rush to the rear, lol. I never gave it much thought, but I felt it was kind of weird and maybe uncommon. I'm glad to see someone else who's experienced it. :lol: :redface:
     
  4. SNatus

    SNatus Guest

    In response to the above poster, watching Phelps, Lochte et al. swimming last summer brought these issues to the forefront of my thoughts, and they have stayed there ever since. As for whether I would like to date/share an emotional connection with another man, I'm not sure about that. I've got a good bit of resistance to intimacy, and am still a ways away from saying that I am definitely gay. (There are plenty of straight guys who'd make an exception for Lochte, right?)
     
  5. justinf

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    Well.. I'm not so sure about that :grin:

    But in all seriousness, one suggestion I'd make is look at some gay porn. You mention you haven't done that yet, and I wonder why not.
    I know when I started thinking about the possibility of being not entirely straight, and thinking about men as possible sexual attractions, I'd allowed myself to sort of think that way (although not completely), but I was petrified to watch gay porn. The thought of it just freaked the hell out of me, and I think deep down I knew it might make things inevitably clear for me. Which, when I picked up the courage to actually watch it, it did :slight_smile:
    Watching the porn had quite a strong reaction, and it definitely made things undeniable for me to a certain degree, and kind of forced me to look at myself in honesty. I know it's scary, but it might do the same for you, and I promise you that will help you in the long run -- finding something out about yourself always does.

    I think the sexual attraction is more important right now than the emotional attraction. It's hard enough admitting there's some sort of sexual attraction, let alone having to admit an emotional attraction. I've found that that usually comes second.

    For what it's worth, I have to agree with Lance in that it seems you're most likely more gay than straight or even bisexual.

    Hope that was at all helpful.
     
  6. Lewis

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    You're probably gay or bisexual, but it's nothing you should be concerned about. There's a lot more detrimental things that could happen to you. Try look at the positives, you're alive and you only get one shot at life, so live it how you want to - don't deny something that is completely natural.

    I must say though, I've never had blood rush to my anus.