A while ago, I posted on EC some thoughts about being confused about my sexuality. Well, it has now been two months since the Olympic men's swimming events, but my concern has only deepened since then. During the past two months, I've started grad school, joined some new groups on campus, and met a lot of interesting new people. My life is so much fuller now that I've opened my mind to a lot of things. However, part of that opening up has involved taking a hard look at inconvenient truths. Here are some things about myself and my desires that I can say for certain: -I feel a "spark" (accompanied by a rush of blood to my asshole area) when I see, or think about, an attractive man. This has been the case a long way back and is fairly consistent, although not 100%. -For a long time, this was something taboo, a place my mind did not go. When I did go there, I felt overpowering disgust at the thought of doing anything (even making eye contact) with another man. I didn't get hard-ons from it either. -My sexual fantasies have been predominantly about women. However, they have always been weak and muddled. Often, I imagined a vagina getting penetrated (and what the woman was feeling) but I was not the one doing the penetrating. -I feel no desire for "pretty boys" or "twinks". The "spark" only is kindled by strong, powerfully built men. Right now, I do get aroused by big muscles and thinking about what they could do to me. Let me leave it at that. -I have never looked at gay porn, but when in public, I do check out the men I see, without thinking about it. -There is still much internal resistance to all this which keeps bubbling to the surface. This resistance, along with my absolute terror of getting caught, has prevented me from acting on this. I'd like to know if other people here on EC have had similar thoughts, or advice.