Cycle of Confusion

Its a difficult one, I've said many times I am probably more attracted or I feel more attracted to women. And yet I am with a man. My stated preference doesn't match my revealed preference.

 

i think many experience a surge of hope when they accept their (different) sexuality. But the reality of it is, human intimacy is not 'raindrops on roses" or "whiskers on kittens" for anyone. It's... complicated. i think even more so for those of us who are not wired with the heteronormative default setting. Heteros have pretty much always run the show, for thousands of years.
Discovering and accepting our self also involves a process of learning all the stuff that we've internalized that simply does not aline with reality and trying to learn how to incorporate all that need/desire/realization into relationship.

 

Its better now than it has ever been. At the beginning it was really good, but I think it was more the novelty of being with a man that knew what he was doing for the first time. After a while, I wouldn't say it got stale, because I've always wanted him but it did get repetitive. In the way that straight sex is usually a progression from kissing/foreplay/oral and ends with PIV, but with women its kinda just back and forth without a script and without a clear end, until you've both had enough. And I'm more used to being a giver, and I wasn't getting much opportunity for that with him. He's a "she comes first" kinda guy - which I've no complaints about, but I definitely needed more than just someone getting me off and then getting himself off with my body. I needed a bit more back and forth, a bit more control on my side. We talked about, changed things up a bit and its much better now. He didn't have a clue that I wanted anything more than an orgasm or two.

 

Sorry I missed this when you posted it. I never felt gay or queer or different, however you want to put it. Growing up, teenage years, I was very into boys as much as any other straight girl. Had a couple of boyfriends at 16 and enjoyed doing all the 'couple stuff'. I was attracted to my boyfriend, he was good looking, good body, I never questioned my sexuality at that point. Never even looked at another girl/woman sexually that I can remember. The only dissappointment was sex, but I still wanted it. I just wanted it to be good. But I didn't know how to make that happen, I don't think anyone does at that age. It didn't help that my first boyfriend was not really interested in making it good for me. Then, things just happened one time with a friend. We had a very fun, light-hearted, lots of banter, occasionally flirty relationship. We were sharing a bed, we'd been drinking, she was into women, I didn't know. We were close and I liked her a lot, but platonically. She was older than me and she was a very sexual person, I was just kinda moving in that direction. My guard was down, she made a move and I just went with it, too lost in the moment to be nervous. Even after the first time it happened, it hadn't flipped a switch in me. I didn't start looking at women or finding them attractive. Not even her. But I was totally at ease with her and enjoyed what we did. It happened a few times more. The nerves came later, doing it sober, undressing her and properly looking at her body, not just fumbling in the dark. That felt a little weird, she was attractive but her body didn't turn me on. It was more her as a person, the chemistry, the way she looked at me, the way it felt when she touched me, and she was a great kisser. The attraction to women in general came after that, a lot more gradually, but it got very strong and still is. I still don't really know how to explain it. Sexuality is a funny thing. I think with me it feels slightly connected to but mostly separate from romance.

 

This was lovely to read, thank you

 

i think you did a great job "explain[ing] it." The LGBQT+ community is replete with similar stories. People that do not discover or experience a same sex attraction until late in life even. Is it lurking around inside and just buried? Is it new? Who knows?

i spent the larger part of myself fighting being gay. i can remember the names of all my boyhood crushes back to age 7. But i also had a few girl crushes as well, and i can remember their names as well. Retrospectively, i know none of my girl crushes ever had sexual desire associated. And when puberty hit and i was experiencing the constant masturbation phase it seems most boys go through, none of my fantasies were ever of females. On the other side of that drive was my religious/cultural conditioning that had me convinced being gay was "sick" and "sinful."

i cannot begin to relate the decades of torture i put myself through trying to not be gay, to change. Reversing the thought process: if one can become gay, or bi, or change their sexual orientation from straight, it would seem the opposite might be true as well? But so called therapies to change orientation to straight have been largely rejected by the mental health profession, even debunked. So, i lean in the direction that those of us with different from hetero orientation at least have the makings for it floating around inside us.

To this day, i still experience new sexual components in myself. A few years ago, a Dom Man regressed me and it was one of the most profound sexual encounters i've ever had. i say "regressed," but when i analyze the experience, i think what He did was see something that was already in me and He knew how to bring it to the surface. I.e., i don't so much think He took me backwards ("regressed") but brought something present to the surface and exposed it.

i think what often qualifies or gets labeled as a "kink," is really often just an individual expression of need/desire that falls outside the 'norm,' and that again, the primary repressor/supressor is cultural/social stigma against such things.

 

I understand fighting it. I spent years fighting feelings of being bi. At the same time they secretly excited me. It was just recently that I accepted they are real. The funny thing is in the past I may get the urges but after a while they would pass or after masturbating they would go away. Now though they are constant. The interesting part is now it feels good to realize they don't go away.

 

For me this was the final step in once and for all eliminating the last traces of compulsory heterosexuality. I think we are inundated with hetero brain washing from birth so it makes it difficult to finally cut that cord and be able to switch our focus to men. It does make some time but eventually you make that transition and notice all those hot guys.

 

Your experience with fantasy is very interesting. I have the problem that I cannot get turned on without a fantasy. It finally prompted me to find a sex therapist who I am seeing now. I should have done it long ago. I told her I am having great difficulty not using a fantasy. She tells me I must use no fantasy or at least use a lesbian one in order to enjoy sex with a woman. She knows I no longer want to have sex with men but oddly my go-to fantasy is about hetero sex. You would think that a person would be free to fantasize about anything you want when you are with a partner but apparently that is not true. If I can't change I will have the same problem you mentioned with your wife - even when I am with my preferred sex - another woman! I was very interested in your statement that the woman sensed something was wrong. It is strange to me that I would have to think of hetero intercourse when I am with a woman. This is about as strange as it gets.

 

Straight men are often put off by the presence of a man in porn, they dislike the male genitalia etc. Hence they prefer to watch two women doing the sex act.

 

My fantasies (used in masturbation) are always about hetero sex scenarios and the actual act of intercourse. In real life, that is not what interests me. So what the meaning of it is, I don't know. Some part of me is straight? My therapist knows all this and has not made any comment on the meaning, needs, etc. shown by the fantasies. She has told me though I have to stop using them! Meanwhile I asked my husband just yesterday about fantasies and he says he always uses fantasies when masturbating - his are hetero of course because he is straight. Have you ever tried to masturbate without fantasy? Let me tell you it is hard - enough to turn you off sex for life. (just kidding) Even to change your fantasy is incredibly hard. I am going to see her today actually and I will tell her this is not working. Maybe it's something I have to keep working on.
Porn and fantasy are not the same thing - I don't get turned on by any type of porn but have always used fantasy. I just wish I could respond sexually more than I do. I have the desire but nothing happens. That's why I am seeing a sex therapist. She doesn't give me her opinion on this though. In the worst case scenario, I may have to give up on sexual intimacy. It is possible to have a romantic relationship without sex but this is bizarre because I consider myself a sexual person.

 

I am only attracted to women sexually. I would say I like men but not sexually. The fantasied might be lesbian after all the "star" of them is a woman and I have read that fantasies like mine are common with lesbians, no one understands why.
You are right - she has told me that I have to change the way I masturbate and that is incredibly hard especially since I don't even have the desire to do it most of the time. She has told me to think of it as pleasant homework but it doesn't feel that way. I have only managed to change one part of it and it doesn't feel like I am accomplishing much . How is this going to help me with a partner? She has also told me that I should try not to have any negative thoughts about my experiences. I told her I don't want to stop being unhappy about my problems because that would be ignoring the root cause of it. After three sessions I have stopped seeing her. We left on good terms. I am still working on my "homework" but most of the time don't feel like it. I feel like I am losing my sex drive, actually. We are living in a crazy world. It just gets stranger and stranger.